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Playing the victim or is it abuse?

Posted by on Jan. 14, 2015 at 9:41 PM
  • 74 Replies
I've come to a crossroads. I've fantasized about kicking dh out. I've thought long and hard because I'm tired of certain things.

Things like coming home from work and being questioned why I am home so late. I'm a server and when we are cut we do our duties and go. There is no set time to get off.

I've had other jobs and all of them I've been accused of cheating.

I get accused when I'm at home because I take too long to text back. I'm accused nearly every day.

He rarely calls me names. Once he called me a cunt because he woke up and I was playing I the phone. He mostly says he knows I'm up to something and I'm not!

I've given up so much. I have no friends and barely talk to my family. I've done a lot of research and many signs of emotional abuse are present.

So this past week he came home and fell asleep. He woke up and asked what we were going to eat. He said he planned on making something...so I let him. Halfway through cooking he came in to ask me a question. I said, "what sweetie?" And he told me not to call him that. Huh??? We ended up talking and he told me that since I was up I should have cooked something. We got into an argument and at some point I said you could get your sorry ass in there and cook. This was out of anger, and wrong on my part. He rarely helps with the kids or household. I was frustrated and said it without thinking. I do everything and felt frustrated he was mad when he says he was doing it.

For four days he wouldn't talk to me. If I tried to touch him he'd pull away. He completely withdrew. He finally said if was because I called him a sorry ass. He was punishing me.

Every time I bring up the accusations against me he says I'm playing the victim. When I say I feel attacked I'm play on the victim. Am I? I'm so confused. I know his behavior upsets me but he says it's because I act a certain way or say certain things.

I'm saving money, behind his back. I'm planning on getting him out but he doesn't know yet. I'm trying to play nice but still get confused and wonder if the problem is not me. Am I wrong?
by on Jan. 14, 2015 at 9:41 PM
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Replies (1-10):
SAHM927
by Bronze Member on Jan. 14, 2015 at 9:44 PM
3 moms liked this
Are you sure he isn't the one cheating?
MamaBear131716
by Platinum Member on Jan. 14, 2015 at 9:55 PM
1 mom liked this
No I'm not. He cheated on his ex but never had sex he says.

Kissed a woman (just a peck he says) when we were engaged. And spoke to a coworker inappropriately which consisted of I have no eggs for your swimmers and it's all the better and asking if she was sweet on him.

Only proof I have.

Quoting SAHM927: Are you sure he isn't the one cheating?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Jan. 14, 2015 at 9:56 PM
this whole post explains why you act the way you act on here.
SAHM927
by Bronze Member on Jan. 14, 2015 at 9:58 PM
1 mom liked this
Accusing you of cheating is a common way for them to deflect what they are doing.

Everything else sounds like emotional abuse. Sounds like you are doing everything correctly to prepare yourself.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Quoting MamaBear131716: No I'm not. He cheated on his ex but never had sex he says.

Kissed a woman (just a peck he says) when we were engaged. And spoke to a coworker inappropriately which consisted of I have no eggs for your swimmers and it's all the better and asking if she was sweet on him.

Only proof I have.

Quoting SAHM927: Are you sure he isn't the one cheating?
MamaBear131716
by Platinum Member on Jan. 14, 2015 at 9:59 PM
I wanted to also say at this point I don't care. If he is...I wish he'd admit it instead of accuse me. We have two sons, I don't want them growing up thinking this is normal.

Quoting SAHM927: Are you sure he isn't the one cheating?
KeepOnTryin
by Melissa on Jan. 14, 2015 at 9:59 PM
I'm glad to hear you are saving money to get out of there. I wish you lots of luck.

And no, you are not playing the victim.

MamaBear131716
by Platinum Member on Jan. 14, 2015 at 9:59 PM
How do I act on here? :(

Quoting Anonymous 1: this whole post explains why you act the way you act on here.
VibeRant
by on Jan. 14, 2015 at 10:01 PM

Usually, the one pointing the finger is actually the one cheating. Sounds like you've been reduced to walking on eggshells around him because of his issues. Will he go to therapy? Or will he just turn his nose up at that option? 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Jan. 14, 2015 at 10:02 PM
You're unhappy at home, you believe you're the victim at home. So you usually treat everyone else as your victim and be nasty or rude to them. This makes you happy because you feel you have just as much power over those you told off as your dh has over you.
Quoting MamaBear131716: How do I act on here? :(
Quoting Anonymous 1: this whole post explains why you act the way you act on here.
MamaBear131716
by Platinum Member on Jan. 14, 2015 at 10:04 PM
That's what I thought but talking to him sometimes confuses me. Im trying to play nice and he does the whole I'm sorry and know I need to change but says I play the victim. It confuses me at times.

Quoting SAHM927: Accusing you of cheating is a common way for them to deflect what they are doing.

Everything else sounds like emotional abuse. Sounds like you are doing everything correctly to prepare yourself.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Quoting MamaBear131716: No I'm not. He cheated on his ex but never had sex he says.

Kissed a woman (just a peck he says) when we were engaged. And spoke to a coworker inappropriately which consisted of I have no eggs for your swimmers and it's all the better and asking if she was sweet on him.

Only proof I have.

Quoting SAHM927: Are you sure he isn't the one cheating?
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