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Yesterday was a rough day (Martin related)

Posted by on Feb. 4, 2015 at 9:08 AM
  • 74 Replies
5 moms liked this
I had a really rough day yesterday. I couldn't get thoughts of Martin out of my head. Lately, my mind has been consumed with my own health and future. I hadn't really been able to allow two such difficult things trouble me at once, but yesterday was different. My own health worries got completely pushed to the side and all thoughts were of Martin.

I had my "big cry" yesterday. I somehow held it off for over 2 months. I've spent the last two months pitifully weeping and sobbing when I would think about him. Yesterday, I parked my van next to his gravesite and let it out. It was the screaming, yelling, guttural wailing, slobbery, nose dripping, pissed off, ugly cry.

Up until now, I've had zero dreams about Martin. It surprised me that something that was weighing on me so heavily wasn't affecting my dreams. I felt guilty. Why wasn't I dreaming of the baby that I loved so much?

Last night, Martin came to me for the first time. He was perfect and beautiful. He was a tiny baby, but not quite newborn. He was kicking his feet and flailing his arms. He had the most thick, shiny black hair. Tons of it. I always thought that if I dreamt of Martin that my brain would picture him as a tiny Raymond, but he wasn't. He was his own little guy.

In my dream, I couldn't touch him or hold him. While looking at him, I realized I was dreaming. I kept telling myself to look harder and closer. Don't forget what he looks like. Don't forget. Look harder.

Then I woke up.

Martin was due 2/7/15. I had hoped he would be born January 16th, but that would have been a little early.

I think the reason I was consumed with thoughts of him and why he came to me for the first time yesterday is because 2/3/15 was his day. The day that was meant to be. His special day.

Yesterday, Martin was born.
by on Feb. 4, 2015 at 9:08 AM
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Replies (1-10):
9-6-7months
by on Feb. 4, 2015 at 9:11 AM
1 mom liked this
Hugs hun I am so so sorry your posts always bring me to tears.
lizzie_ann
by Ruby Member on Feb. 4, 2015 at 9:11 AM
1 mom liked this
I've had days where I had to pull into a parking lot on the way home from the cemetery to cry hysterically.
I don't really dream about my daughter though.
Twiceblessedmom
by Gold Member on Feb. 4, 2015 at 9:12 AM
1 mom liked this
(((Hugs))) <3
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Feb. 4, 2015 at 9:14 AM
1 mom liked this
I am so very sorry for all you're going through.
Squat2pee
by on Feb. 4, 2015 at 9:15 AM
1 mom liked this

hugs

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Feb. 4, 2015 at 9:15 AM
1 mom liked this
I am very sorry for your loss as well.

Quoting lizzie_ann: I've had days where I had to pull into a parking lot on the way home from the cemetery to cry hysterically.
I don't really dream about my daughter though.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Feb. 4, 2015 at 9:15 AM
1 mom liked this
Hugs
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Feb. 4, 2015 at 9:16 AM
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My grandmother lost a baby in between my uncle and stepmom. He is still talked about. Martin will ALWAYS BE a part of your life, and your family. I am so sorry you lost him.. but I truly believe he will stay with you forever. That he loves his mama.
emmy526
by Felion on Feb. 4, 2015 at 9:18 AM
1 mom liked this

danie24
by on Feb. 4, 2015 at 9:19 AM
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(((Hug)))
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