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What Emotional Rape Feels Like...

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
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TRIGGER WARNING.

I've been raped before. A couple times actually. I remember that feeling I got afterwards. I felt worthless, disgusting, used, hated, ugly, etc. My self esteem would go so low and it was hard to keep on living everyday. 

I discovered today what "emotional rape" feels like. When you give every part of your being to someone. Your love, your passion, your time, your trust, everything. They make it seem like they want you...like they care about you. Like they see a future with you. It can go on for a while. 

Until the ax falls. I ended up pregnant. He was supposed to be sterile. And suddenly...he changed. When he sensed he'd have to make some type of "commitment" to me or even just the baby...he flipped. He no longer cared, showed affection, or wanted anything to do with me. He wants me to abort the pregnancy. He used to talk about wanting kids....now.....he's against it. 

I feel like everything he told me was a lie. He was one of the most cunning and sly men I've met. He fooled me. Fooled me into thinking he cared about me. And now all he cares about is how quickly the pregnancy can be ended.  How quickly he can run the other way. Men like him....leave women with deep emotional scars. We want to swear off men. We never want to be hurt like that again. 

I can only blame myself. I had a suspicion but every time I brought it up...it was blown off as me being unreasonable. Even to the point he'd be yelling at me saying it was all in my head because I have negative self esteem. Now he's proved me right. That he was just using me. 

Do I regret meeting him? I don't know. It was amazing while it lasted...and I think these emotional scars that he's left and physical ones on my womb....will leave me with a life long lesson. 

Never to trust. And whether or not I will ever love again.....right now...I doubt it. I never want to go through this pain again. Feeling like I'm not good enough. Feeling like I'm worthless. Feelings ugly and stupid. Feeling naive and too damn trusting. He was my first love. My first heartbreak. My first emotional rape. I'm scared to try to love again. 

Trust your instincts about people. If they seem too good to be true...they probably are. And if you actually find a unicorn consider yourself very lucky. 

I'm close to 30 years old. It took me this long to even fall in love. Now I don't think I ever want to go through it again. 


Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 18, 2015 at 9:49 PM
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