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Do I tell my elderly parents about this? Nowhere to turn for support.

Posted by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 10:13 PM
  • 22 Replies

Back story:  I am a divorced, single mom to a son, 13 & a daughter, 10.  I have them 24/7.  My ex lives on the east coast & I am on the west.  Kids have a relationship with dad, but of course he's very far away.  I cannot really depend on him in many ways regarding the children.  He loves them, but he puts his own selfish interests far above their welfare.

Here on the west coast I am not only a single mom, I am an only child.  My father is 88, my mother is 74 & is developing dementia.  My 89 y/o elderly aunt has no husband or kids and is also deteriorating.  I am responsible for my parents, my aunt & my kids.  I have zero supports.  I have cousins but they are either involved in their own families or have messed up their lives so much they have their own issues to contend to.

I learned today I have to get an iridotomy because I am at moderate to severe risk for glaucoma.  An iridoomy is when they use a laser to put little holes in your irises to help with drainage.  Hopefully this procedure will go well, but there are many inherent risks that could affect me in the long term.

I am scared shitless about this procedure.  I would rather not tell my parents.  At their age they are VERY needy, have their own long list of health problems and panic at the slightest things.  I am not exaggerating when I say that if I am on the phone with my father and I yawn he wants to talk for the next 10 minutes about why I'm not getting enough sleep.  

But while I don't want to tell my parents, at the same time I feel like if I don't tell them and something goes wrong that they'll be pretty upset that I didn't tell them.  My poor father, he gets 5-6 calls daily from my aunt with her long list of problems, and he's got my mother and her problems.  I just don't want him to be freaking out about me.

I have zero supports in my life so any advice anybody has to give is greatly appreciated.  I haven't even gone into how much I cannot afford this procedure.

by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 10:13 PM
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Replies (1-10):
csxt99
by Jennifer on Feb. 18, 2015 at 10:24 PM

Maybe tell them you have to have a procedure done and downplay it as much as possible.

JoJJ3
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 10:28 PM

My dad is highly intelligent, downplaying won't do a thing.  And he'll get on the internet as soon as possible and get tons of info, anyway.

Quoting csxt99:

Maybe tell them you have to have a procedure done and downplay it as much as possible.


Rhodin
by Ruby Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 10:39 PM
2 moms liked this
This may not be what you want to hear, but you probably need to look into some kind of assisted living for your relatives, even if it's just a home health aide. Your mom especially will need babysat. She could easily forget food on the stove or wander off.
Harlot
by lecoeur on Feb. 18, 2015 at 10:44 PM
2 moms liked this

I wouldn't tell them at all. Your procedure will be fine and on the off chance it isn't, they'll find out then. No sense in worrying them to death. I'm sorry you're carrying such a heavy load. 

JoJJ3
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 11:04 PM

Oh, trust me, this topic is on the table.  Just not the subject of this particular post.  : )


Quoting Rhodin: This may not be what you want to hear, but you probably need to look into some kind of assisted living for your relatives, even if it's just a home health aide. Your mom especially will need babysat. She could easily forget food on the stove or wander off.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Feb. 18, 2015 at 11:07 PM
If your an only child and your aunt didn't have kids, how do you have cousins?
MommyBee555
by Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 11:10 PM
I'd probably keep to myself, not worry them, OR if I tell them, do it right beforehand so that you can reassure them all is ok afterwards and they only worry a tiny bit. That's a "toughie"!
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Feb. 18, 2015 at 11:12 PM
I'm sorry that your in this situation. My mom takes care of my grandma and uncle, both who have issues and one is blind and one going blind. She has it tough but she does have support from me and others. Plus no kids at home.

I'm not sure if you should tell them or not. I would almost wait until it's over then tell them.
Jinx-Troublex3
by Gold Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 11:13 PM
1 mom liked this

 I would get a support group in place.

Do you have any friends you can count o from work, or from activities your kids are in? I have mae my best friend from other Boy and Girl scout families because we have similar beliefs and goals.

Are you religous at all? maybe join a church  where you have members that could be there for you.

Have you given any thought to a fraternal group - like an Elks Lodge, or Emblem Club? They are groups where adults can go and hang out, they do good for the community and support eachother in times of need.  They are NOT just groups for old folks, though many think of them that way. I am an Ekl and my Mom is in emblem..these people are a RIOT to spend time with and would give their shirts off their backs if we needed help.

Some Elks lodges also have "Antler Lodges" ..groups for kids age 12 -20 to be involved in commnity service nad make friends in a positive environment.

 

 

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Feb. 18, 2015 at 11:16 PM

Her grandparents have more than just 2 kids...?

Quoting Anonymous 1: If your an only child and your aunt didn't have kids, how do you have cousins?


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