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Judge my life: Should the biological father of my 9 year old get visitation?

Posted by Anonymous
  • 28 Replies

Ok, imagine you are 19 and pregnant because you made some really bad decisions.  Your boyfriend is cheating on you and telling everyone that this baby isnt his.  So you split.  The first two years of babys life, you try everything to get him involved.  He will see her once or twice, then is basically unreachable.  Then at 2, he asks to come to her party.  You agree because he says he wants to be involved now and you think it isnt too late yet.

Second birthday happens.  Then he gets picked up by his gf down the street because he still claims to her that he is not babys dad.  So you still try to contact him after that to see if he wants to be involved but he doesnt respond for months.   You tell him if he wants to be involved, he will have to go through court at this point.

Now, you are in school, on state medical, so he is ordered to pay child support.  He finally starts paying when she is 7.  You ask him if he wants to sign his rights away because you are married now and dh is more or less babys dad.  Baby knows she has a real dad and a biological dad, and she is happy where she is right now.  He says he wont sign his rights away and he wants to see her now.  You wait and see what his next move is to see if he is serious or not.  He continues to pay child support, but does nothing more at this point.

Baby is 9 now.  You get an email that he wants to add her to his aflac insurance.  You dont want that because what is the point?  So he tries to go back and forth through text, but your trying not to engage.  Then he says "i want to see her, I am taking you to court.  You can not tell me it doesnt tear her up inside not knowing who I am"  I can assure you it doesnt tear her up.  So I ask her how she feels about having a bio dad out there that she doesnt know and if she wants to know him.  Her response, "I dont know... Hey mom, where do you think dad (real dad, not bio dad) will take me tomorrow for date night?"...  End of conversation.

How would you procede?  Do you think I can get rights terminated?  Do you feel like bio dad should get visitation?  I realize you can go anon here, but please dont rip me to shreds.  I am still a real person behind this screen.  Thank you ladies.

Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 23, 2015 at 10:25 AM
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by Anonymous 2 on Feb. 23, 2015 at 10:28 AM

I think if the courts say he gets visitation you really have no say but I am alwo wondering if the court talk is just talk since it's been so long. I wouldn't do anything at this point and just see where it goes. 

by MS Warrior on Feb. 23, 2015 at 10:30 AM
1 mom liked this
I think you need to speak to a lawyer. Right away.
by Stacey on Feb. 23, 2015 at 10:30 AM

 I would wait until the court proceedings and then abide by that.

by on Feb. 23, 2015 at 10:31 AM

Personally, I would not terminate rights.  Even if he never sees her.  Let things stand as they are and let him see her if he chooses.

As far as ability to terminate rights....probably dependent on the state.  In mine (midwest), my sister was able to terminate her daughter's bio father's rights....but he never paid child support or had contact.  She had to jump through several hoops through the courts in order to make it happen, but, in the end, she succeeded.  Her husband, who pretty much raised the child from age five up, is now her legal father through adoption.  Her daughter is well aware of her bio dad and even has some picture in her room of him, but he has never made an effort to parent her or be in her life. 

If he takes it to court, it is highly unlikely the courts will deny him visitation.  It is also highly unlikely they will terminate rights because he pays child support and, at this point, wants to see her.  I would go to court, if necessary, and let the judge decide. 

I would not allow unsupervised visitation without some sort of order by the court however.  In my staet, if there are no custody papers in place and the father is listed on the birth certificate, then whoever has physical custody has custody.  Meaning if she goes to his house or visits him alone, then, legally speaking, he does not have to give her back until the court orders him to do so.  It will likely make him look bad to the courts, but it is an option nonetheless. 

It really is a touchy situation and you know your situation better than anyone.  I wish you luck.

Rebecca...wife of Megan...Moms of six crazy kiddos...Seth (19), Madison (18), Zachary (17), Trevor (16), Alex (15), and Nicholas (13).

by on Feb. 23, 2015 at 10:31 AM
I grew up with a real dad and never met my bio dad. It never affected me at all. He had many chances. I say fuck him.
by Anonymous 3 on Feb. 23, 2015 at 10:32 AM

If your DH is willing to adopt her and you have documentation that bio Dad hasn't been involved it shouldn't be too hard to get his rights terminated.

However, most judges only terminate if another man is willing to step up and take over. Kinda sucky but unless he's a severe abuser it's hard to get rights taken away unless someone else is willing to take their place.

by Ruby Member on Feb. 23, 2015 at 10:36 AM
Call a lawyer. The judge will probably give visitation rights.
by Bronze Member on Feb. 23, 2015 at 10:38 AM
Typically child support is considered contact so you won't be able to have his rights terminated unless he agrees. As far as visits, I'd make him take me to court and then follow the court order.
by Anonymous 4 on Feb. 23, 2015 at 10:39 AM
I'm in the same situation, and pretty much just said "when you get a court order, you can see her then" it's been 2 years since I've said that and nothing has happened. He refuses to sign rights away and as long as he's paying child support or can be contacted the courts won't terminate his rights.
by Anonymous 5 on Feb. 23, 2015 at 10:40 AM
Do you think he would actually bring you to court or is he just bullshitting you? If you don't believe him about it I would just wait and see if anything actually happens. If you believe him I would talk to a lawyer. My son's bio hasn't seen him in over 3 years. He has never paid a dime in child support. He doesn't bring him up and considers dh to be his dad. I would be devastated if I had to hand him over for visitation at this point. I feel like after not showing interest for so long it would be hard on the child.
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