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Friend's child - advice! Help!

Posted by on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:04 PM
  • 16 Replies
I'm feeling... Like I want to help a friend, she seems like she's drowning and needs a helping hand, but I can only do so much as a friend - and I'm starting to get a sense this won't end well for them, and I'm just ended up positioned to watch the train wreck. It's a terrible, helpless, uncomfortable feeling.

Backstory, I met her through work. I actually am a director of a program that her son was signed up for. He was in kindergarten last year - and had behavior issues, but nbd. This year he was again enrolled, this time in 1st. In 1st, until kinder, were we do games and crafts, we except them to listen to stories (or if they can, read along) and be able to answer basic questions, ask question - basic dialogue about the lesson.

He did not adjust well. Immediately, he was running out of the room, hiding under his desk, having fits over who had which pencil, sat at which desk. He cut in line. Within a month, it escalated to him hitting other kids, disrupting class to argue with people.

During this time, we had many meetings. We discussed options, consequences, etc. He seemed to be fine in understanding during a discussion that an action leads to these consequences, but in that moment in the classroom, consequences or rewards DID NOT MATTER, compared to whatever he was getting into trouble with during class.

I finally had to pull him when he hit another kid again. It wasn't fair to them, not only with the hitting but nearly all classroom time was being devoted to catering towards refocusing and deescalating his behavior. My teacher wasn't able to teach, and I was always in her room focusing on him, unable to direct the rest of the program.

My friend (his mother) said she had plans to get him in to see someone, and acknowledged something was wrong. His outburst in the classroom was nothing compared to his behavior towards his mom. He hits, kicks, bites, runs away from and screams at her. Threatens to kill her, shoot her, shoot his classmates (only to her, in front of me, he's never said anything like that in the presence of the other kids).

The plan, originally, was to bring him back once she got him some therapy, behavioral or otherwise. She (his mom) did, and they recommended ongoing help and medication. She didn't bring him back to my program, however, because he didn't get better. From seeing them and speaking to his mom, he's worse. He's now gotten into big trouble at school, they have kicked him out, he probably won't (definitely won't but she keeps saying probably) move on to 2nd grade.

Their whole world revolves around his temper. He refuses to go to bed, and will sneak out of his room to grab any electronic he can. She's found him at 5am, without sleeping once, because he was playing on a phone. Or his game system. Or a tablet. She's locked them up before, but his fury was insane. His mother tells me he tore the house apart, ripped things up.

Then, because his sleep schedule is all off, he won't wake up until late (today it was 2pm) and will hit and kick her if his mom tries waking him up - no matter where she has to go or what she wants to do.

She (his mom, my friend) also told me that he recently stopped eating. He will only eat a few very particular items. Sometimes not even that. I wasn't able to get from her how long/extreme that has become.

Anyway (soooo much longer than I wanted, sorry!) I feel like there are so many things she, as his mother, has to do. From simple things like - lock up all the electronics, take away all toys, etc. and restrain him when he begins destroying things in his rage. To the obvious, get him in behavioral therapy! Figure this out! Get him a full work up! Don't settle for it may be ADHD, could be ODD but they don't wanna label him yet bs.

I feel like I see it all, laid out before them. If they continue on like this, he's just going to get worse. Who knows how little education he can possibly get at this rate! How long until he is sent somewhere for lashing out at another kid? Then what? He needs help now, and his mom just doesn't seem to... She seems to be wading, unable to make a step past just managing where they are at.

Advice?
by on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:04 PM
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Replies (1-10):
BaltimoreBaby
by Gold Member on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:11 PM
Bump
Sassy762
by 200 on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:14 PM

I read it once....confused

Going back in again

BRB

BaltimoreBaby
by Gold Member on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:18 PM
1 mom liked this
I made some edits in then him/her/he/she stuff, so hopefully it makes more sense. If not, I can add some fake names.



Quoting Sassy762:

I read it once....confused

Going back in again

BRB

BaltimoreBaby
by Gold Member on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:23 PM
Ok, made a bunch of edits to that nonsense, hopefully it makes sense now! Let me know if it doesn't.

Quoting Sassy762:

I read it once....confused

Going back in again

BRB

Sassy762
by 200 on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:25 PM

Okay......Be honest with her and tell her everything you said here........

Anyway (soooo much longer than I wanted, sorry!) I feel like there are so many things she has to do. From simple things like - lock up all the electronics, take away all toys, etc. and restrain him when he begins destroying things in his rage. To the obvious, get him in behavioral therapy! Figure this out! Get him a full work up! Don't settle for it may be ADHD, could be ODD but they don't wanna label him yet bs.

I feel like I see it all, laid out before them. If they continue on like this, he's just going to get worse. Who knows how little education he can possibly get at this rate! How long until he is sent somewhere for lashing out at another kid? Then what? He needs help now, and she just doesn't seem to... She seems to be wading, unable to make a step past just managing where they are at. 

Give her a list of things to do if that will help her...... so she can check them off as she gets them done. You seem to know better what she needs to do than she does......impart your wisdom whether she wants to hear it or not

BaltimoreBaby
by Gold Member on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:36 PM
Ok, so I didn't want to add this all to the OP because it was already getting super long.

But! When we spoke today, and she was telling me about his most recent behaviors (the food, the staying up until the sun is coming up) I said most of this, and got... Nothing. That's what I mean when I say she seems frozen, only just barely managing, unable to move.

When I said, can't you lock up the electronics? And hold him in a bear hug when he starts being dangerously destructive? She kinda hemmed and hawed. But said she could, she uses her phone as her alarm, but supposes she could get an alarm clock (you think?!?). When I asked about behavioral therapy, she said she wanted to give him more time with counseling - that she was seeing some small changes, but didn't say what those changes were.

It was towards the end of the conversation she brought up the food thing, and she seemed so shut down at that point, I couldn't even get straight answer about how bad/how long.

We made plans to meet up later this week to discuss more. But she seemed so shut down... And helpless. And I just wanted to shake her, but she seemed so near tears and done.

I decided to hold off until we speak again and kinda ask around for some advice.



Quoting Sassy762:

Okay......Be honest with her and tell her everything you said here........

Anyway (soooo much longer than I wanted, sorry!) I feel like there are so many things she has to do. From simple things like - lock up all the electronics, take away all toys, etc. and restrain him when he begins destroying things in his rage. To the obvious, get him in behavioral therapy! Figure this out! Get him a full work up! Don't settle for it may be ADHD, could be ODD but they don't wanna label him yet bs.

I feel like I see it all, laid out before them. If they continue on like this, he's just going to get worse. Who knows how little education he can possibly get at this rate! How long until he is sent somewhere for lashing out at another kid? Then what? He needs help now, and she just doesn't seem to... She seems to be wading, unable to make a step past just managing where they are at. 

Give her a list of things to do if that will help her...... so she can check them off as she gets them done. You seem to know better what she needs to do than she does......impart your wisdom whether she wants to hear it or not

Sassy762
by 200 on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:39 PM

She needs a kick in the ass. She is in denial and just wants this to disappear and Its NOT going to until she gets him some medical/therapy/different meds . It takes awhile to evaluate and them get them on the right cocktail medication and therapy with the right person

Quoting BaltimoreBaby: Ok, so I didn't want to add this all to the OP because it was already getting super long. But! When we spoke today, and she was telling me about his most recent behaviors (the food, the staying up until the sun is coming up) I said most of this, and got... Nothing. That's what I mean when I say she seems frozen, only just barely managing, unable to move. When I said, can't you lock up the electronics? And hold him in a bear hug when he starts being dangerously destructive? She kinda hemmed and hawed. But said she could, she uses her phone as her alarm, but supposes she could get an alarm clock (you think?!?). When I asked about behavioral therapy, she said she wanted to give him more time with counseling - that she was seeing some small changes, but didn't say what those changes were. It was towards the end of the conversation she brought up the food thing, and she seemed so shut down at that point, I couldn't even get straight answer about how bad/how long. We made plans to meet up later this week to discuss more. But she seemed so shut down... And helpless. And I just wanted to shake her, but she seemed so near tears and done. I decided to hold off until we speak again and kinda ask around for some advice.
Quoting Sassy762:

Okay......Be honest with her and tell her everything you said here........

Anyway (soooo much longer than I wanted, sorry!) I feel like there are so many things she has to do. From simple things like - lock up all the electronics, take away all toys, etc. and restrain him when he begins destroying things in his rage. To the obvious, get him in behavioral therapy! Figure this out! Get him a full work up! Don't settle for it may be ADHD, could be ODD but they don't wanna label him yet bs.

I feel like I see it all, laid out before them. If they continue on like this, he's just going to get worse. Who knows how little education he can possibly get at this rate! How long until he is sent somewhere for lashing out at another kid? Then what? He needs help now, and she just doesn't seem to... She seems to be wading, unable to make a step past just managing where they are at. 

Give her a list of things to do if that will help her...... so she can check them off as she gets them done. You seem to know better what she needs to do than she does......impart your wisdom whether she wants to hear it or not


BaltimoreBaby
by Gold Member on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:43 PM
Exactly. Ugh, its just such a mess. And I guess I'm going to be the kick, or at least try to be! Because no one else seems completely freaked out that this 1st grader basically got a month or two of poor education before being suspended, removed and eventually expelled, nor that his behavior is getting worse. It's so frustrating! I don't understand why the school didn't intervene more, or why counseling hasn't come to any point of saying ok, let's try something new, this isn't working.



Quoting Sassy762:

She needs a kick in the ass. She is in denial and just wants this to disappear and Its NOT going to until she gets him some medical/therapy/different meds . It takes awhile to evaluate and them get them on the right cocktail medication and therapy with the right person

Quoting BaltimoreBaby: Ok, so I didn't want to add this all to the OP because it was already getting super long.

But! When we spoke today, and she was telling me about his most recent behaviors (the food, the staying up until the sun is coming up) I said most of this, and got... Nothing. That's what I mean when I say she seems frozen, only just barely managing, unable to move.

When I said, can't you lock up the electronics? And hold him in a bear hug when he starts being dangerously destructive? She kinda hemmed and hawed. But said she could, she uses her phone as her alarm, but supposes she could get an alarm clock (you think?!?). When I asked about behavioral therapy, she said she wanted to give him more time with counseling - that she was seeing some small changes, but didn't say what those changes were.

It was towards the end of the conversation she brought up the food thing, and she seemed so shut down at that point, I couldn't even get straight answer about how bad/how long.

We made plans to meet up later this week to discuss more. But she seemed so shut down... And helpless. And I just wanted to shake her, but she seemed so near tears and done.

I decided to hold off until we speak again and kinda ask around for some advice.



Quoting Sassy762:

Okay......Be honest with her and tell her everything you said here........

Anyway (soooo much longer than I wanted, sorry!) I feel like there are so many things she has to do. From simple things like - lock up all the electronics, take away all toys, etc. and restrain him when he begins destroying things in his rage. To the obvious, get him in behavioral therapy! Figure this out! Get him a full work up! Don't settle for it may be ADHD, could be ODD but they don't wanna label him yet bs.

I feel like I see it all, laid out before them. If they continue on like this, he's just going to get worse. Who knows how little education he can possibly get at this rate! How long until he is sent somewhere for lashing out at another kid? Then what? He needs help now, and she just doesn't seem to... She seems to be wading, unable to make a step past just managing where they are at. 

Give her a list of things to do if that will help her...... so she can check them off as she gets them done. You seem to know better what she needs to do than she does......impart your wisdom whether she wants to hear it or not

Sassy762
by 200 on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:45 PM

The school should have stepped up and had him evaluated and then he could have been give a IEP/EIP (whatever its called )....asap

They dropped the ball first and now mom is continuing to do so

Quoting BaltimoreBaby: Exactly. Ugh, its just such a mess. And I guess I'm going to be the kick, or at least try to be! Because no one else seems completely freaked out that this 1st grader basically got a month or two of poor education before being suspended, removed and eventually expelled, nor that his behavior is getting worse. It's so frustrating! I don't understand why the school didn't intervene more, or why counseling hasn't come to any point of saying ok, let's try something new, this isn't working.
Quoting Sassy762:

She needs a kick in the ass. She is in denial and just wants this to disappear and Its NOT going to until she gets him some medical/therapy/different meds . It takes awhile to evaluate and them get them on the right cocktail medication and therapy with the right person

Quoting BaltimoreBaby: Ok, so I didn't want to add this all to the OP because it was already getting super long. But! When we spoke today, and she was telling me about his most recent behaviors (the food, the staying up until the sun is coming up) I said most of this, and got... Nothing. That's what I mean when I say she seems frozen, only just barely managing, unable to move. When I said, can't you lock up the electronics? And hold him in a bear hug when he starts being dangerously destructive? She kinda hemmed and hawed. But said she could, she uses her phone as her alarm, but supposes she could get an alarm clock (you think?!?). When I asked about behavioral therapy, she said she wanted to give him more time with counseling - that she was seeing some small changes, but didn't say what those changes were. It was towards the end of the conversation she brought up the food thing, and she seemed so shut down at that point, I couldn't even get straight answer about how bad/how long. We made plans to meet up later this week to discuss more. But she seemed so shut down... And helpless. And I just wanted to shake her, but she seemed so near tears and done. I decided to hold off until we speak again and kinda ask around for some advice.
Quoting Sassy762:

Okay......Be honest with her and tell her everything you said here........

Anyway (soooo much longer than I wanted, sorry!) I feel like there are so many things she has to do. From simple things like - lock up all the electronics, take away all toys, etc. and restrain him when he begins destroying things in his rage. To the obvious, get him in behavioral therapy! Figure this out! Get him a full work up! Don't settle for it may be ADHD, could be ODD but they don't wanna label him yet bs.

I feel like I see it all, laid out before them. If they continue on like this, he's just going to get worse. Who knows how little education he can possibly get at this rate! How long until he is sent somewhere for lashing out at another kid? Then what? He needs help now, and she just doesn't seem to... She seems to be wading, unable to make a step past just managing where they are at. 

Give her a list of things to do if that will help her...... so she can check them off as she gets them done. You seem to know better what she needs to do than she does......impart your wisdom whether she wants to hear it or not


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Mar. 15, 2015 at 9:52 PM
She needs to go beyond the crying. That's what i had to do with a friend of mine, to get her to see my point... i offered to assist before, but then it got to that point- made her cry, see the light, and made her do certain things. With her, she was reluctant to even start therapy, so i made her call them, in front of me, to get it set up.

It's not bc we don't love/care for them... but it's bc WE DO. I love my son and i hate getting on him about things but i will bc i want him to be better. I wanted him to move beyond his anger and frustration, control it for a better use. I didn't let him sit in it and stew for the last 7 years.

Honestly, it sounds like she's depressed and needs therapy herself, both to better herself and learn how to handle her son. Until she takes care of herself though, she won't do good for that boy.
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