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College student having a boyfriend sleepover, conflict

Posted by Anonymous
  • 30 Replies
I have a daughter who is a senior in college. My husband and I pay for her tuition and living expenses including rent.

For a long time I've felt like her boyfriend sleeps over...I've asked her and she said no, but I've called her in the morning and hear a male voice in the background sometimes, etc. Anyway a friend was in her town last week and dropped something off and my daughter invited her in and she saw that her boyfriend was lounging in her bed, my dd said he's just napping.

It was 8am, I doubt he was napping. I feel so hurt and angry she lied, and I've told her we're not paying her last month of rent. She said okay and picked that moment to tell me she isn't moving home as planned in May, her and him are moving in together.

She's only 21, we didn't raise her to believe shacking up before marriage was okay. I told her her father and I don't approve and can't support this and she laughed and said "it's a good thing I don't need your approval or support then, isn't it?". I got upset at that and she just hung up.

Ugh. Her and I used to be close and I hate this. We grew apart so much when she went to college and changed
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 10, 2015 at 1:24 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Sapphire Member on Apr. 10, 2015 at 1:27 PM
She's an adult
by Ruby Member on Apr. 10, 2015 at 1:27 PM
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I don't think she changed. While not under your thumb she realized that she's her own person and able to make her own choices in life. And she's right, she doesn't need your approval or support.
by Emerald Member on Apr. 10, 2015 at 1:28 PM
Did you expect the same kind of closeness? Why? Isn't that what you raised her to do, to grow up and become an adult? That's what she's doing. Relationships change as we grow. That's normal. As to her living with her boyfriend, well, that's her choice as an adult. The fact that you were financially supporting her doesn't really mean you can dictate to her.
by Ruby Member on Apr. 10, 2015 at 1:31 PM
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My husband and I slept over at each other's places all the time in college.  We waited until marriage to have sex.  She's an adult.  You two are growing apart because she can't be herself around you.  Withholding rent is petty.  

by Platinum Member on Apr. 10, 2015 at 1:34 PM

Yes you grew apart. She became an adult and hr own person. It is your choice to not pay her rent that is fine. Just like it is also her choice to move in with (or shack up- I hate that term) her boyfriend if she wants. She doesn't need your support or approval.

by Ruby Member on Apr. 10, 2015 at 1:38 PM

She is 21, I don't see the problem.  Maybe be glad that at least it is the same bf who cares enough for her to still be there in the morning versus a different guy every night who leaves as soon as the sex is over? 

If you had agreed with her to pay the rent while she is in school I think it is pretty crappy to withhold the last month, no matter what she says about it, it will likely put her in a bind and will also let her know that you care more about your money than you do her. 

She is an adult and she is her own person and should not have to live up to your beliefs.  If only you had realized that, you probably wouldn't find yourself in this situation. 

by Cara on Apr. 10, 2015 at 1:40 PM
by Ruby Member on Apr. 10, 2015 at 1:42 PM

instead of lecturing a 21 yo,why didnt you talk to her?now,youve really messed up your grow and your relationship should change..from parent to friend.a 21yo has the right to decide if she has sex..

by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 10, 2015 at 1:43 PM
She's an adult. You don't get to make decisions for her any more. My boyfriend lived with me when I was in college. It's really not that big of a deal. My parents were against it also. They "raised me differently." The world didn't come to an end. My life is still great. I finished college, dumped the loser, and now have a great husband and job. Lighten up. Time to let go.
by Anonymous 3 on Apr. 10, 2015 at 1:49 PM

I'd feel like a failure if my daughters felt they had to lie. You need to think long and hard about this because your behavior now will affect your relationship with her and her future family. Is it worth it? 

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