• In the Spotlight:
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

I told my mom I'm not coming to her funeral.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 16 Replies

I've never had a problem going to funerals of people I didn't know very well. I just wasn't emotionally invested and it didn't bother me. And then my dad died. He had cancer and I knew he was going to die, but when he did it hit me soooo hard. At his funeral, something happened to me. I'm not sure what, but that whole process haunts the hell out of me. I can't get the image of him out of my head. Or the things people said, the way they acted. My anxiety rises just thinking about it.

He died in 2002. I haven't been to a funeral since and I don't ever plan on going to one. Now, my mom knows this about me. We were talking last week about her friends. One had just died and the other most likely died this weekend. She said she probably won't go because she doesn't like going to funerals. I told her I don't go to funerals at all, and that when DH and I die, we aren't even going to have funerals. She then asked if that meant I wasn't going to her funeral when she dies. So, I said "probably not."  There was silence and then she said, "well, it's not like I'll be there anyway..."  I know I probably hurt her feelings (or maybe it's another attempted guilt trip?) but she knew the answer before she asked. I wasn't going to lie. 

That's my confession.

Posted by Anonymous on May. 5, 2015 at 10:49 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on May. 5, 2015 at 11:30 AM
Each to their own ;) it's not necessary to go to the funeral, you honor & grieve & celebrate their life from any where you are comfortable. I've been to too many funerals in my life...each time I go, I focus on celebrating who they were & the life they lived but I'd rather grieve on my own.
Sydel
by Platinum Member on May. 5, 2015 at 11:33 AM

I told my mom I'm not paying for her to have a funeral or a death announcement. She has several health issues and mental illness. She has no savings and no life insurance. When she dies I will pay for her to be cremated and that's it.

My aunt thinks I'm horrible for this. My mom really doesn't care. She said she will be dead anyways. Also she paid for over 50% of my grandma's funeral. My grandma has 8 kids! That's BS. My mom said if she could do it again she would have kept her money.

XoXo.Nikki.XoXo
by Platinum Member on May. 5, 2015 at 11:38 AM
That's completely your choice, and you have every right to not go. My mom died almost three years ago, she was cremated and we didn't have a viewing. I think it made it easier for me. I mean, I did sit there by her side until she died and it really messed me up. But something about funerals and dead bodies just makes it so much more painful for me. I'm glad that we held her service the way we did. I don't know how I would have handled it if we had a traditional funeral/burial.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 5, 2015 at 12:04 PM


Quoting Anonymous 2: Each to their own ;) it's not necessary to go to the funeral, you honor & grieve & celebrate their life from any where you are comfortable. I've been to too many funerals in my life...each time I go, I focus on celebrating who they were & the life they lived but I'd rather grieve on my own.

I feel the same way about grieving on my own. I didn't even cry at my dad's funeral, I pushed it down. My husband was shocked. But boy did I let loose on him on the way home.  Poor guy. LOL

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 5, 2015 at 12:09 PM


Quoting Sydel:

I told my mom I'm not paying for her to have a funeral or a death announcement. She has several health issues and mental illness. She has no savings and no life insurance. When she dies I will pay for her to be cremated and that's it.

My aunt thinks I'm horrible for this. My mom really doesn't care. She said she will be dead anyways. Also she paid for over 50% of my grandma's funeral. My grandma has 8 kids! That's BS. My mom said if she could do it again she would have kept her money.

My Dad wanted to be cremated. He said it was the cheapest option, he'd be dead anyway, so who cares. My sister decided that she just couldn't bear the thought of him being cremated instead of buried, so she said the three of us children would split the cost of the burial. I was less than pleased when I found out. We had NO money back then. My MIL ended up paying our share of it for us and was told that nothing else had been paid yet. She told the funeral home that she was just there to pay for our third and she was staying out of it. lol

Sydel
by Platinum Member on May. 5, 2015 at 12:14 PM


Quoting Anonymous 1:


Quoting Sydel:

I told my mom I'm not paying for her to have a funeral or a death announcement. She has several health issues and mental illness. She has no savings and no life insurance. When she dies I will pay for her to be cremated and that's it.

My aunt thinks I'm horrible for this. My mom really doesn't care. She said she will be dead anyways. Also she paid for over 50% of my grandma's funeral. My grandma has 8 kids! That's BS. My mom said if she could do it again she would have kept her money.

My Dad wanted to be cremated. He said it was the cheapest option, he'd be dead anyway, so who cares. My sister decided that she just couldn't bear the thought of him being cremated instead of buried, so she said the three of us children would split the cost of the burial. I was less than pleased when I found out. We had NO money back then. My MIL ended up paying our share of it for us and was told that nothing else had been paid yet. She told the funeral home that she was just there to pay for our third and she was staying out of it. lol

When my grandpa died his sister paid for the funeral and plane tickets for some of the kids to fly down to TX. She also had life insurance on him and paid for the laywers on her malpractice suit.  (He was given a medication he was alergeic to and then ignored.) Anyways after 3 years in court each kid got $60k. My aunt did not have to share it but she did. So all 8 of them had money at the time of my grandmother's death. In the end only 4 paid for the funeral and as I said my mom was stuck with 50% or more. I already told my little brother what was up and that if he wants anything different I will respect it but not pay for it. My mom would have been fine with cremating my grandma but my uncle pushed for a big elaborte funeral and then said he left his wallet in Michigan...  Death really brings out the worse in some people.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 5, 2015 at 12:17 PM


Quoting XoXo.Nikki.XoXo: That's completely your choice, and you have every right to not go. My mom died almost three years ago, she was cremated and we didn't have a viewing. I think it made it easier for me. I mean, I did sit there by her side until she died and it really messed me up. But something about funerals and dead bodies just makes it so much more painful for me. I'm glad that we held her service the way we did. I don't know how I would have handled it if we had a traditional funeral/burial.

I have a picture of my Dad that I look at all the time, but whenever I do the image of him laying there shows up. I just can't shake it. I don't want to remember him, or anyone else, like that ever again. Plus, I have looooong battled with depression. Sitting in a room full of sad, crying people just isn't a good idea for me anyway.

I know my siblings are going to have a fit when I don't show up, but the fact is my mom will be gone, and it's not the right thing for me. They have their spouses for support. I'm not needed. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on May. 5, 2015 at 12:22 PM
I find funerals and wakes creepy, morbid and strange. I don't understand why we put ourselves through all of it. I told DH that I do not want a funeral or a wake. I don't like people looking at me now...I certainly wouldn't want them looking at me dead. My mom also has said the same thing...Thank God! Close family and friends can go out to eat, talk about me, grieve, share memories...that sounds so much better to me.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 5, 2015 at 12:28 PM


Quoting Anonymous 3: I find funerals and wakes creepy, morbid and strange. I don't understand why we put ourselves through all of it. I told DH that I do not want a funeral or a wake. I don't like people looking at me now...I certainly wouldn't want them looking at me dead. My mom also has said the same thing...Thank God! Close family and friends can go out to eat, talk about me, grieve, share memories...that sounds so much better to me.

Yes!! Omg, ALL of this!!

XoXo.Nikki.XoXo
by Platinum Member on May. 5, 2015 at 12:30 PM
I sooo know how you feel. I have tons of pictures of my mother in albums where she is happy and healthy. But it always feels like someone punched me in the gut when I look at them. Her cold and lifeless body, among other things, are forever stuck in my head. Unfortunately the events leading up to her death have caused ptsd for me. It's a nightmare. And I know what you mean about them needing support, and you can be their support and vice versa. Just not that day, during the service. You are not obligated to go. It sounds to me like you might have ptsd or some other anxiety disorder that has you feeling the way you are. Hugs! I'm sorry for the loss of your father and that it has scarred you so badly. Did you/have you sought grief counseling after his death?

Quoting Anonymous 1:

Quoting XoXo.Nikki.XoXo: That's completely your choice, and you have every right to not go. My mom died almost three years ago, she was cremated and we didn't have a viewing. I think it made it easier for me. I mean, I did sit there by her side until she died and it really messed me up. But something about funerals and dead bodies just makes it so much more painful for me. I'm glad that we held her service the way we did. I don't know how I would have handled it if we had a traditional funeral/burial.

I have a picture of my Dad that I look at all the time, but whenever I do the image of him laying there shows up. I just can't shake it. I don't want to remember him, or anyone else, like that ever again. Plus, I have looooong battled with depression. Sitting in a room full of sad, crying people just isn't a good idea for me anyway.

I know my siblings are going to have a fit when I don't show up, but the fact is my mom will be gone, and it's not the right thing for me. They have their spouses for support. I'm not needed. 

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)