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Choosing between my best friend and my husband

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 28 Replies

The title is a little extreme, but it feels that way right now.

Disclaimer: I realize this is a very priviledged problem to have so I feel guilty even thinking about my frustration, but yes, I get it.  I'm fortunate to have this problem.

SUMMARY (because even my long story short is freakin' long!): Bff is planning to visit during the week that contains my 10th anniversary.  I wanted to do a trip for our anniversary but DH basically shrugged and said whatever, but I just found out that he wanted to do a trip, too, but ONLY if it is on our actual anniversary.  Can't seem to cancel on bff without conflicting plans.  DH won't discuss potential plans with bff (and family) planning to come that weekend.  I'm frustrated!

----------------------------

Long story short: Known my bff since the beginning of college almost 20 years ago.  Met my now-husband soon after but we didn't get married until we'd finished college and grad school so we will be celebrating our 10th anniversary this summer.  Bff and I are both SAHMs (I was WAHM until 3 weeks ago when I was laid off) of 2 small kids and we tend to talk either via email, text, phone several times per day.  Not every day, but often it makes sense to share something or some goofy kid pic or whatever.  But, we live 300 miles apart and see each other roughly every 2 years at this point.  

The problem: She decided she wants to bring the kids to see us this summer and see our new house (which we bought 1.5 years ago, but she hasn't seen it yet).  Ok, great.  She asked about several dates.  All were fine with nothing on the calendar (at the time) except one week which includes our 10th anniversary.  "Great!  I'll watch your kids while you two go to dinner!"  I explained that we might want to do more than dinner (as we have the previous 9 years) because it's our TENTH anniversary, so any other week would be better.  That's the worst week for us this summer.  She says she'll figure things out and get back to me.  And then I figure out that she's decided to come that week.  And stay at our house.  For a week.  (Personally, I think a week with 4 kids in 1 house with VERY different schedules (mine nap midday, go to bed late, and sleep in late.  Hers don't nap, go to bed early, and get up early.) for a WEEK is crazy.  I'm not sure how anyone will have any fun past a couple of days.  But she doesn't want to drive unless she's making it a good trip so she wants to stay a week.)  I've voiced some concerns here but she's not hearing me.  I'll push this more as needed, but I'm not quite at that point yet.

Meanwhile, of course, I mention all this to DH.  I ask if he wants to do something for our 10th anniversary.  "We could just go out to dinner.  Would [bff] be ok watching the kids?"  Um, yeah, ok.  I thought we might do something more.  "Well, it's not like we're going to Europe for 3 weeks." (like another friend did) Ok, well, then I guess this is all fine.

I find out later that DH thought it was just a done deal and therefore there was no chance for us to do something other than dinner for our anniversary.  I said that if we had plans, I'd be happy to tell BFF that she can't come then (which she'll be really upset about for a while, because she has a lot of things going on right now and therefore is self-focused which I understand, but I'll be resentful of her being here if that means I didn't get to go on a trip) But DH won't discuss plans because we have people coming then and he really prefers to put it off until the last minute and then is upset things are booked.  I keep trying to figure something out but I'm getting NOTHING from DH.  I need an idea of what kind of trip he'd like to take, how much to spend, how long, etc.  (We haven't taken a vacation at all in 8 years (ie before kids) so I don't know what he'd be interested in now.)  If he gives me a little bit of a clue, then I can make plans, cancel the plans of the bff to come, and make other summer plans.  I've tried several times including a list of ideas but he hasn't helped at all.  "I'm not sure." or "I don't know." but the best I've gotten is, "Well, if we are doing something, it should include the weekend of our anniversary."  Ok, should it be JUST that weekend?  A week?  Would you be willing to take time off work?  "It depends on what we're doing."  

Meanwhile, I can't really tell bff she can't come then because I have no real reason not to.  (We might go on a trip so you can't come visit us seems like a lame reason.  And there's a decent chance we won't end up doing anything.  ) And she's pretty wrapped up in herself right now (lots of things going on that aren't worth listing here at all) so she's focused on what's best for her.  It will likely be like breaking up with her when/if I do cancel her trip.  So that makes day-to-day conversation stressful even if I'm not talking about our summer plans because I have the impending doom feeling all the time.  (Tried getting her on board with helping me figure out a good trip that made sense for some other week so I could just get dh on board and get it all squared away but she said she really wasn't interested in helping me with the trip (which is odd because we do this kind of stuff "together" all the time and brainstorming trip ideas is totally up her alley) but also means I can't talk about all the stuff I'm considering which is a big part of my mental time right now.)  And I can't make other plans like signing my kids up for camp both due to time or finances since I have no idea what else we're doing.  GRRR.

I really hoped that typing this all out would give me clarity.  It did not.  But I do realize that I'm fortunate to have these problems where I can even consider camp and vacations, so then i feel lame for stressing about it.  

Posted by Anonymous on May. 5, 2015 at 4:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on May. 5, 2015 at 4:58 PM
1 mom liked this
You handled both people wrong. You dh said numerous times he was fine without a trip, you told your friend that weekend would work. I don't see why you tried changing things after everything was decided.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on May. 5, 2015 at 5:01 PM
1 mom liked this
Sounds like you are putting WAY more pressure on yourself than you need to. If you cancel with BFF and then your DH doesn't plan something (which honestly it sounds like he doesn't care to put in any effort).... Then you will be mad at him.
When she asked about coming you should have told her that week wasn't good.... Regardless if something was scheduled yet. Now that plans have been made, just go with it. You should have spoken up.

I haven't seen my bff in about 8 yrs and would drop everything to see her if she came to visit. We live 4 states away from ea other and are making plans to meet halfway (where her parents live). 300 miles is not that far at all. You could even go see her.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on May. 5, 2015 at 5:04 PM

You need to stop being wishy washy and a wuss. You are dragging things out and making them way more complicated then they have to be. You should have told her, "Any week buy the week of X. You cannot visit that week." But instead, you allowed her to plan for that week and now want to change it? You are being melodramatic. So either let her come that week (and let's face it doesn't sound like you are taking a trip for your anniversary anyways). OR buck the fuck up call her and tell her no, you don't want her to come down that week. By dragging it out you are just creating the drama.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on May. 5, 2015 at 5:11 PM
You should have told her that you are not sure and then consult with dh about what to do that weekend.


That would have been the right thing to do.
fightlikegirl5
by on May. 5, 2015 at 5:13 PM
1 mom liked this
Husband comes first ALWAYS. Cancel plans with the friend... You're not married to her, don't have children with her, and hopefully not screwing her..... Cancel her coming
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 5, 2015 at 5:22 PM

Yeah I think you're right.  I clearly did something wrong here.

I told bff right away that week wasn't good for us and any other week was better.  She asked if we had plans and I said nothing was finalized but I wanted to go on a trip for our 10th anniversary so I wanted to keep that week open.  (She asked about 5 different times as possibilities.  I told her any of the other 4 timeframes would be great.)  I asked DH later that same day what he was thinking for this summer/anniversary and he was non-committal.  A month later, he's all bummed that "we can't go on a trip now" so I've been trying to work out plans either that weekend or any other weekend (I care less about the actual date, but he's date oriented.)  If we had a plan, I'd be able to tell bff that it is certainly NOT an option, not just not-the-best option.  BFF talked about her trip in vague terms (she's coordinating with another family mid-way) and wasn't clear about her final decision of when to come or for how long until she mentioned getting a flight for her husband (who isn't doing the drive with her and the kids so he won't miss work) and that's how I learned the decision had been made.  "So wait, you've decided that's the week you're coming?  That's not a good week for us. We were going to take an anniversary trip and it's really important to DH that we are on our trip on the actual anniversary."  

DH still won't discuss a trip even though it's clear he wants to do something.  Obviously, I need to be more clear with BFF than "that's not a good week for us" but without trip plans, I can't tell her if the week before is better or if we'll be in her area and we'll see her, etc.  DH will finally declare something and I'll scramble to make it happen which would be fine if this only affected us, but this will certainly affect her and her summer plans, too.  I just think the sooner we can set this completely straight, the better!

Quoting Anonymous 2: You handled both people wrong. You dh said numerous times he was fine without a trip, you told your friend that weekend would work. I don't see why you tried changing things after everything was decided.


motherofzandz
by Gold Member on May. 5, 2015 at 5:23 PM

This is all silly. It sounds like you dont want bff there and that you want your dh to do more than he wants to do for your anniversary. I would have told bff instantly that week was bad. I dont know why you didnt from the get go. I wouldnt want people at my house during my anniversary at all. If your friend doesnt get that weekend isnt good then screw her. But you should not have been agreeing that week was fine all along when you dont want them there that week. Also be prepared to be pissed at your dh he obviously isnt going to put as much effort into this anniverary as you want him too. 

thenameshailie
by Emerald Member on May. 5, 2015 at 5:25 PM
I didn't read this. I'd always side with my husband.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 5, 2015 at 5:26 PM

That's what I did.  Well, I told her that weekend wasn't good and any other week would be great.  Then I talked to DH that day.  And many days following. I'm not getting any good info though so that's why I'm going a bit crazy.

Quoting Anonymous 5: You should have told her that you are not sure and then consult with dh about what to do that weekend. That would have been the right thing to do.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 5, 2015 at 5:26 PM

This is very long so I don't blame you for not reading.  I think you're right, though!

Quoting thenameshailie: I didn't read this. I'd always side with my husband.


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