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I have anorexia. But I'm not skinny. (Very long but important to me)

Posted by Anonymous
  • 59 Replies
I weigh close to 300lbs.
And I have anorexia.

I have struggled all my life with my weight. But as a teen, on the swim and dive team and track, I was larger, but still healthy!

But then I grew up. Had children. Became a sahm. Spent my time at home or driving to run errands, rather than literally running around everywhere.

My ex husband made sure to remind me how fat I was. Flaunted that he cheated on me because I was fat.

I dieted. I worked. I saw doctors and specialists. Nothing was working. I have no hormone issues. No thyroid problems.

Slowly, over time, (it doesn't happen over night) I started to give up on food. I stopped enjoying food. It became a real hate. Food was the reason for all of my problems (no, not really lol) food was why I was so miserable.

Over the last year, I had weaned my "diet" down to 300 calories a day. At the MOST. sometimes LESS.
I wouldn't eat at all, until I felt faint, then I would eat half a cup of yogurt to keep myself conscious.

2 months ago. After years of no one noticing (or caring, I don't have the best or most loving family) I met a new friend, and she noticed right away how sick I looked, how little I ate, how tired I often was, but yet still forced myself to work out 4 hours a day. She is the one who made the connection. I was barely aware that I was doing it.

My family laughed and made fun of me. said I was fat, I couldn't be anorexic. I was just lazy. And too stupid to know any better.

This had been hard. I am seeing a therapist. Thankfully I am not as bad off as some women I've seen, who were anorexic for many years, and ended up in the hospital.

I have been working on my relationship with food. And I've been referred to a bariatric surgeon. We are all working together to help me reach my goals in a safe way. The therapist suggested the BS because she said the longer I weigh 300lbs the harder it will be to see food as a good thing. With the eventual surgery, I can ease myself back into a healthy relationship with food.

even after a year of this, I have not lost any weight. (Yes im aware of the "starvation mode" but with how many calories I was eating, I should have lost weight. No question.

So that's my story.
I am so tired of people seeing me eat, see my size and then make comments. Over the last few months I have been making good strides. And I craved a cheese burger for the first time in a long time. And my doc told me "go for it! That's good!"

So I went into a burger king and got a cheese burger and a bottle of water.

And some stupid bitch with a thong sticking out of her mini skirt laughed at me, and said under her breath "yeah cause a burger is gonna help your fat ass"

She thought I didn't hear her. But I did. I cried. For a long time alone in my car.

No one ever seems to care. Like they think thier words have no effect.

"Just ignore it, get over it, its just words, they can't hurt you unless you let them"

That last one especially pisses me off. As if I WANT my feelings hurt? I allow it?? I have some sort of control over what hurts and what doesn't?

Anyway. Just wanted to rant.
Posted by Anonymous on Sep. 25, 2015 at 1:55 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 25, 2015 at 2:03 PM

I'm so very sorry.  No judgment here.  It's good to get all of that out.  As a bulimic and anorexic (go through cycles) I understand.  Having a therapist to talk to has been invaluable, so I'm glad you see one.  Hugs to you.

by Anonymous 3 on Sep. 25, 2015 at 2:06 PM
I am also anorexic. Been to treatment. Did well for almost two years. Relapsed a few months ago. *hugs*
by Anonymous 4 on Sep. 25, 2015 at 2:11 PM
I'm so sorry. I've dealt with both anorexia and bulimia and I understand completely. When I was bulimic I was overweight (clinically; 5'4 and 160 at my highest). This is why I never judge someone solely based on how heavy they are.

And yes you should've lost weight. Starvation mode is a load of crap. I've learned that
by Anonymous 5 on Sep. 25, 2015 at 2:24 PM
I'm sorry you've gone through that. People can be so mean and for no reason. Stay strong and keep working on those goals. You'll get there.
by Anonymous 6 on Sep. 25, 2015 at 2:32 PM

I went through the same thing in HS. I was anorexic but could never lose weight and I still don't understand why. I weigh much more now than I did back then and am still having these issues with not being able to lose weight. Though I have cushings, my doctor is refusing to diagnose it though even though every level that should be high to have it is high, she says they are not high enough to warrant a cushings diagnosis though. I also have PCOS so those on top of each other are keeping me fat and since one is not being treated I will stay this way until I find a different doctor.

by Anonymous 7 on Sep. 25, 2015 at 2:38 PM

1st off starvation mode has been deemed not a real thing but that's way besides the point here. I get it I have struggled with bulimia and anorexia and binge eating most of my life I am just as much bulimic at 200 pounds as I am at 115  . I go through periods I am good but I also have a lot of back issues so if I hurt myself I can get laid up and cant do anything I get depressed I eat I gain and the cycle starts over . Each year I seem to get better and better about the self hate talking in my head and the need to control something. I don't know if its ever going to go away because I never probably will ever be 100% in love with what I look like or deal with stress and depression 100% the way I should .People suck and its taken me a longtime to realize they (the super skinny "perfect "girls") hate things about themselves too so why am I punishing myself because they suck and even when I look just like them all my self hate isnt gone either and my if I could just fix this is still there even when I am being told how cute my figure is or how pretty I am  .They may or may not ever understand what it feels like to be overweight but they might and maybe then they will know its really not about the outward appearance its about being a kind person with a good heart and learning and growing . PS you do have control over your feeling and what hurts them but its a huge mental block and for one ,I know being a person who struggles with food issues that's a mind control thing too and we don't tends to have learned that skill set to be mentally strong to just shrug it off. its def a learned thing not an ingrained thing for most of us  and it takes some of us a lifetime to learn how to love ourselves no matter what the outside world is saying .I am in my 40s and just now starting to be able to actually get that and I have been struggling with food and self esteem issues since I was 12 

by Ruby Member on Sep. 25, 2015 at 2:43 PM

Have you tried drinking water?  Lots of water?  (Half your weight in ounces, every day-of plain water-don't flavor it in any way.)  It works to lose weight-and has been proven with medical studies.  Try it for one week and see.  And you'll be able to eat a normal healthy amount-so you can be healthy and get down to your normal weight.  Good luck, and don't beat yourself up.  Every person out there has some issue they're dealing with.  This is yours-and it can be overcome!  Good luck!

by Ruby Member on Sep. 25, 2015 at 2:43 PM

I am so sorry you are struggling and I wish you wouldn't let people make you feel bad.  You are making strides, you are taking care of yourself, you are making good choices.   That little thing at BK is an idiot.  A cheeseburger woudln't help her ugly personality!   She will always be ugly with that spiteful,mean attitude.

Hugs to you!!!

by on Sep. 25, 2015 at 3:05 PM
I feel you. I've struggled with weight my whole life. Especially when I was a teenager. I'm in my 30s now and 23lbs heavier than I've ever been (223lbs). I've always been around the 200 mark except when I wasn't eating and was constantly on the go. I got down to 138. I kept it off for 2 years. Than I got pregnant and skyrocketed to 245 by the time I had her. Now here I sit. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. I'm depressed because of it. It's made me a shut in and anti-social. If I want to lose weight I can't eat. No matter what I try if I eat and exercise I may lose a pound or two but I stay the same. It freaking sucks.
by Anonymous 8 on Sep. 25, 2015 at 3:17 PM
I'm sorry hun.
I've struggled my entire life, I understand how hard it is.

Luckily my DH notices when I'm not eating BC I don't notice it half the time.

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