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Is this depression? Help please.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 27 Replies

I dont know where to start. I will try my best to not be a mess.

I feel like my marriage is falling apart. We have a lot of high stress situations going on at once. I am always moody and sad, I can't sleep anymore, panic attacks...my mind just doesn't stop. Until recently, things with husband have been great but this is wearing on him. Him simply going to a happy hour after work is enough to throw me into a panic attack. I always feel so unloved but when I look at the facts...he comes home to me, he helps with the kids, works hard for us. He does everything a husband should.

EXCEPT these current issues. I have tried to explain that it isn't lack of trust...I just feel so dependent. These are issues I want to fix but he's constantly telling me he "cant talk about feelings more". I am going to start therapy but he thinks that's crazy. He says that I have changed, which I am trying to fix, but that being affecitonate and stuff is hard becasue he can't see past being upset over my moodiness or needing to talk.

All I want, is my husband to hold me and tell me he will love me through this. That's it. I feel like he has the power to help me and he is just bringing me down. How do I fix this? I just want my husband back.

Posted by Anonymous on Oct. 8, 2015 at 2:30 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Oct. 8, 2015 at 2:32 PM

start by what you said you're going to do -- therapy

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Oct. 8, 2015 at 2:33 PM
He doesn't have the power to help you. Only you can do that. It doesn't sound like depression. More like anxiety and low self esteem.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Oct. 8, 2015 at 2:35 PM
Start with the therapy, and tell your husband what you want & need. If he doesn't listen the fist time, demand it the second time and if he still doesn't listen, move on.
clairewait
by Bronze Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 2:38 PM


Quoting Anonymous 1:

I dont know where to start. I will try my best to not be a mess.

 I am always moody and sad, I can't sleep anymore, panic attacks...my mind just doesn't stop. 

If you went to a doctor with this list it would very likely be DIAGNOSED as depression and you would be given any number of drugs - probably Xanax for the panic attacks (which is actually not a terrible thing to have on hand for those moments) and probably an SSRi for everything else.

But I'm going to argue, from experience, that these could also be HORMONAL. Completely.

I refuse to get on SSRI's. The side effects are arguably as bad as what they treat.

Are you on birth control? If yes, you might consider getting off. Have you ever tracked your cycle? (You can't really do it on BC.) You might find that your moodiness is completely predictable.

I'm telling you, hormones control everything.

Couple good books to get you started if you want to avoid drugs:

The Triple Whammy Cure (can't think of the authors but you can get it at the library, it isn't new.)

Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Wershler (a great book about how our cycle works, sounds silly but I swear at 30 I didn't know anything in there and I wish they'd use that as a textbook for all 8th grade girls).

I'm currently treating my hormone issues (which I now call PMS, but previously might have called PMDD) with a holistic menopause pill. I'm not in menopause, but this thing works. I've tried a few, but the CVS version of Estroven has been the most effective for me. I've also tried Ultimate Women's Wellness (get it online) and Estroven, both of which are a little more expensive.

It has been a journey, personally, to tackle my moods with a natural approach, but I'm telling you it has been worth it.

It started with getting off birth control first though. I had to have a clean slate to know what I was dealing with.

Good luck mama. You definitely CAN feel better - and I believe you can do it without drugs. I'm not above a beer at 5 o'clock or a xanax when traveling with my entire family, but on the whole, the day to day stuff for me is more in balance with all natural and totally doable changes.



Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 8, 2015 at 2:49 PM

 Realistically, I would much prefer not to be on meds but I am at the point (irrational or not) that I fear I am doing serious damage to my marriage. I am not sure if it's outlandish to think, maybe start with the meds and work myself down. I honestly know very little about it admittedly need to research a lot.  

I do have a mirena and I have heard the horror stories. As far as my cycle, it's fairly regular. Sometimes, these feelings can follow my cycle but it's like 3 bad weeks, one good week. Quite often, the good week is skipped.

I want to give my husband a break. He's human and doesn't want to deal with this every single day, that's fair. But these thoughts literally never stop..it's so hard not to just want to talk and get it out. He has always been my support but he simply doesn't understand how I am feeling.

Ive had one appt with a therapist and she taught me a breathing method. Which did absolutely nothing. I have always been high energy, yoga/meditation/bubble baths.. I just don't get anything out of it.

Quoting clairewait:

Quoting Anonymous 1:

I dont know where to start. I will try my best to not be a mess.

 I am always moody and sad, I can't sleep anymore, panic attacks...my mind just doesn't stop. 

If you went to a doctor with this list it would very likely be DIAGNOSED as depression and you would be given any number of drugs - probably Xanax for the panic attacks (which is actually not a terrible thing to have on hand for those moments) and probably an SSRi for everything else.

But I'm going to argue, from experience, that these could also be HORMONAL. Completely.

I refuse to get on SSRI's. The side effects are arguably as bad as what they treat.

Are you on birth control? If yes, you might consider getting off. Have you ever tracked your cycle? (You can't really do it on BC.) You might find that your moodiness is completely predictable.

I'm telling you, hormones control everything.

Couple good books to get you started if you want to avoid drugs:

The Triple Whammy Cure (can't think of the authors but you can get it at the library, it isn't new.)

Taking Charge of Your Fertilityby Toni Wershler (a great book about how our cycle works, sounds silly but I swear at 30 I didn't know anything in there and I wish they'd use that as a textbook for all 8th grade girls).

I'm currently treating my hormone issues (which I now call PMS, but previously might have called PMDD) with a holistic menopause pill. I'm not in menopause, but this thing works. I've tried a few, but the CVS version of Estroven has been the most effective for me. I've also tried Ultimate Women's Wellness (get it online) and Estroven, both of which are a little more expensive.

It has been a journey, personally, to tackle my moods with a natural approach, but I'm telling you it has been worth it.

It started with getting off birth control first though. I had to have a clean slate to know what I was dealing with.

Good luck mama. You definitely CAN feel better - and I believe you can do it without drugs. I'm not above a beer at 5 o'clock or a xanax when traveling with my entire family, but on the whole, the day to day stuff for me is more in balance with all natural and totally doable changes.

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 8, 2015 at 3:18 PM
Bump.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Oct. 8, 2015 at 3:27 PM
I agree with this (but anxiety and low self esteem bring on depression) and i was once where you are, EXACTLY where you are. I needed my bf to show me affection, to just kinda reassure me that I'm important to him. I also wanted to start therapy and he said i was crazy, that i just needed to snap out of whatever I'm going through.... and i tried... i tried really hard... until i broke down and tried to kill myself.

Which i told him about. I dunno, i just needed that reassurance that again I'm important, that he loves me. Instead, we broke up.

It took a while but i got myself into therapy and I'm in control of my own life, my happiness, even if it means taking a pill to bring my mood up- i had that control without the shame that i needed the help.

Quoting Anonymous 3: He doesn't have the power to help you. Only you can do that. It doesn't sound like depression. More like anxiety and low self esteem.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 8, 2015 at 3:38 PM
That's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to push him until he can't take anymore. He's a very caring person but I think he's having a hard time with this simply because he can't see it.

My thought process, I had a bad car accident-he doted, was amazing, so caring and helpful. This, it's like he just can't be bothered. Mostly I think because he's uncomfortable because he just doesn't understand or know how to help.

I just want support though. I just want him to tell me he will love me through it. I don't understand why that's so difficult.

Quoting Anonymous 5: I agree with this (but anxiety and low self esteem bring on depression) and i was once where you are, EXACTLY where you are. I needed my bf to show me affection, to just kinda reassure me that I'm important to him. I also wanted to start therapy and he said i was crazy, that i just needed to snap out of whatever I'm going through.... and i tried... i tried really hard... until i broke down and tried to kill myself.

Which i told him about. I dunno, i just needed that reassurance that again I'm important, that he loves me. Instead, we broke up.

It took a while but i got myself into therapy and I'm in control of my own life, my happiness, even if it means taking a pill to bring my mood up- i had that control without the shame that i needed the help.

Quoting Anonymous 3: He doesn't have the power to help you. Only you can do that. It doesn't sound like depression. More like anxiety and low self esteem.
clairewait
by Bronze Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 8:23 PM


Quoting Anonymous 1:

 Realistically, I would much prefer not to be on meds but I am at the point (irrational or not) that I fear I am doing serious damage to my marriage. I am not sure if it's outlandish to think, maybe start with the meds and work myself down. I honestly know very little about it admittedly need to research a lot.  

I do have a mirena and I have heard the horror stories. As far as my cycle, it's fairly regular. Sometimes, these feelings can follow my cycle but it's like 3 bad weeks, one good week. Quite often, the good week is skipped.

I want to give my husband a break. He's human and doesn't want to deal with this every single day, that's fair. But these thoughts literally never stop..it's so hard not to just want to talk and get it out. He has always been my support but he simply doesn't understand how I am feeling.

Ive had one appt with a therapist and she taught me a breathing method. Which did absolutely nothing. I have always been high energy, yoga/meditation/bubble baths.. I just don't get anything out of it.

Ugh. Yeah. Listen. I'm a pretty hardcore Christian with a seriously active faith life and probably above average commitment to prayer. I also have a really strong faith community. And there was absolutely NO praying or meditating or breathing these kinds of feelings away.

I had PPD after two deliveries and was on a very strong SSRI the first time, and the lowest dose of Zoloft the second time. Then, in my 4th pregnancy I was diagnosed with "prenatal depression" and put on Zoloft during the pregnancy. (You don't even want to know what ended up working to prevent PPD after my 4th child.)

I totally understand short-term meds if the quality of life you seek is outweighed by the side effects of the SSRI's. I went to bed every night of that pregnancy sort of jittery and restless leggy, saying, "I'm so glad you like me right now, because honestly I'd take my bitchy self over THIS FEELING. I don't think my bitchy self is all that hard to live with, personally."   :)

Also - the Mirena might be the culprit. I had it after those first two pregnancies and I think it is what sparked my PPD, personally, though I'm also sure that ANY hormonal b/c would have done that, not just specifically the Mirena.

I'm guessing your libido is also basically MIA? Mine sure was, and I thought it had to do with my age, or stress (and my kids), or my husband's work situation and our finances.

Nope. Turns out the lack of libido was completely due to the Mirena. Took a few cycles after I got it out but it came back and I had completely forgotten how wonderful it feels to physically be in the mood. I swear I thought I'd never feel that way again. It was fully worth everything we went through for natural birth control just to feel that feeling again, and with some regularity.

I also got headaches on the Mirena which also ended once I got it out.

I'm telling you. Hormones. Nasty buggers.

Anyway, yes, you might talk to your doc about some meds that will at least curb your craziness so you can think straight to get things straightened out. While getting off SSRI's definitely has its difficulties, it is obviously possible.

I hope you get things sorted out. Seriously. Because I've been there, and now that I'm on the other side, I think I realize how many women just live like this and assume it is normal and completely okay.

It can definitely be better.

You can not only LOVE your husband again, but like him too! And he can like you back! And your sex life can be as good as you imagine it could be. Because all your parts WORK... they are just being suppressed by your damn hormones and a few extras that don't even belong to you.

So don't give in to the crazy and don't blame it ALL on your husband and don't let him blame it all on you either. You can heal. You can.

ETA: SSRI's also kill your libido; some women gain a bunch of weight on anti-depressants, but I actually got super skinny (which I am already thin) because food kind of lost its flavor and eating sort of lost its luster. I'd feel hungry, but not in the mood for anything specific. And I was CONSTANTLY adding extra salt to everything, despite my entire family assuring me things tasted normal and good. So that was a little weird. On the plus side, I stopped flipping out about really stupid stuff and chilled out a ton with my kids and my husband, so yes, everyone was generally happier in the house.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 8, 2015 at 10:54 PM
Thank for your in depth responses. I really appreciate it. Having another lonely night...he asked to talk then suddenly im talking about feelings too much...I just can't keep up.

So I'm in bed. Alone. And feeling so damn pathetic. I should be angry and still- all I want is for him to hold me and tell me its okay.

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