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Adult children of addict/ abusive/ or just a**hole parents...

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 36 Replies

To the adult children of addicts, abusers, and assholes,  how do you deal with your parents as adults? 

Are you still in touch? Are you close? Have you, or your parents gone through counseling or treatment?


Sorry, this got long, scroll to the bottom if you want

Personally, my father was seriously mentally unstable most of my childhood.  He was an alcoholic and had a cocaine habit.

He was psychically abusive, but more than that, he was intensely psychologically abusive.  Very controlling.  It was small things like not allowing us to decorate our rooms in any way, or pick out our clothing, to big things like adding extra number of hits to your beating if you cried or, flinched, or moved away.

Anyhow, although he did have relapses, he joined AA and started therapy when I was about 8.  He relapsed a couple times,  a year or so after he started and again when I was a teenager, but for the most part he's been better.  

In my family we never really go into it.  It isn't openly discussed by me or my siblings.  He just kind of avoids the issue, or if past problems are mentioned, he deflects blame for things.  If it ever is brought up directly to him he gets angry, defensive, and volatile.

I've gone to therapy for years and eventually learned to just make myself okay, set clear boundaries, and not worry about him or how he acts.  That worked for a really long time, we had a decent relationship, and more importantly, his drama didn't effect my relationship with my mother, or siblings.

Well, I had my first child at 29 years old.  While I was pregnant he started criticizing me for little things, how much weight I gained, the middle name I chose (he called it a filthy, hippy name) stuff like that.  For the first time in a long time I started to feed into it and get angry, argumentative, and just generally let his BS effect me.

Since DD was born it's only been worse.  He says we coddle her too much one minute, then say we're nasty and cold the next.  When we have to do something she doesn't like (give her medicine, trim her nails, change a diaper when she wants to play, or say "No you cant touch the fireplace" )   and she cries, he will pick her up and say things like "Aww what a nasty, mean mommy.  Mommy is soo bad, we hate her.  She did that, but don't worry I got you now" and he acts like he's joking, but he does it a lot.  It just rubs me the wrong way. 

So, sorry that was so long, I guess I needed to vent.




I'm just curious, other children of abuse, In your adult life, do you still have contact with the abusive/ asshole parent?

Have they changed at all, have you learned to cope?  

Did pregnancy, or having your kids, bring up old stuff for you?

In general, how do you deal with that shit as an adult?

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 23, 2016 at 10:17 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 23, 2016 at 10:25 AM
I cut my asshole dad off about 20 years ago. It was like a dark cloud lifted - the reduced stress was amazing. My dh cut his crazy mom off after the birth of our child, mostly to protect our child from her craziness. We have no regrets. Its made our lives better to surround ourselves only with good people.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 23, 2016 at 10:44 AM

I cut my father out of my life when I moved out at 18, it only estranged me from my mom and caused a lot of stress in my relationship with my siblings.

When he got back in treatment we kind of resolved to get along for the sake of the family



Quoting Anonymous 2: I cut my asshole dad off about 20 years ago. It was like a dark cloud lifted - the reduced stress was amazing. My dh cut his crazy mom off after the birth of our child, mostly to protect our child from her craziness. We have no regrets. Its made our lives better to surround ourselves only with good people.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 23, 2016 at 10:47 AM
My mom and dad were divorced. I was the first to cut him off and then it gave my brother and sister the nudge they needed to do it as well. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

Quoting Anonymous 1:

I cut my father out of my life when I moved out at 18, it only estranged me from my mom and caused a lot of stress in my relationship with my siblings.

When he got back in treatment we kind of resolved to get along for the sake of the family

Quoting Anonymous 2: I cut my asshole dad off about 20 years ago. It was like a dark cloud lifted - the reduced stress was amazing. My dh cut his crazy mom off after the birth of our child, mostly to protect our child from her craziness. We have no regrets. Its made our lives better to surround ourselves only with good people.

702girly
by on Jan. 23, 2016 at 10:49 AM

I live 2000 miles away from them and I call them on their landline once a month to reassure myself that they are still indeed 2000 miles away. Otherwise we have no contact. 

Having kids was hard for me because I would look at my son and remember things my parents did to me at that age and wonder how the hell they could do that. I can't even imagine acting like them. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jan. 23, 2016 at 10:53 AM
Your father is very toxic... You need to let go.
Oh_happyday
by Bronze Member on Jan. 23, 2016 at 10:55 AM
Both my parents were heroin addicts. To my knowledge my dad does not do any drugs any more, besides being on the methadone program. He was in jail about 75% of my childhood. The other 25% he was too drugged up to be a dad, so we barely have a relationship. I do have a 13 y/o half brother thru my dad & that is the only time I communicate with him is if I go to visit my brother(he doesn't live with my dad but he's over there a lot to see him). I am proud of him for getting his life together, at least my brother will have more of a dad than I did. I have no resentment towards him although I wish things had been different. My mother on the other hand is now an alcoholic & smokes crack, just wonderful. She lives with my grandmother who is more like my mother. I have no choice but to see her when I visit my grandmother. She's vindictive & out of both of my parents I blame her more so bcuz I still remember the woman she used to be before the drugs, I miss my mom. Ive tried to forgive her but I've had no luck. Its a hard journey, but I can say watching my parents go thru it has made me a lot stronger & I've learned to do exactly the opposite of what they've done. Everyone needs to vent sometimes.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jan. 23, 2016 at 10:59 AM
My father is a sadistic abusive asshole. Not only did he begin raping me at 4 and continue through childhood, he stalked me and threatened my children even after I was married and far away. He told me he would kill my oldest when she was 2 weeks old after he sampled the "goods" I have a oop and I don't deal with him at all. He's dying a slow painful death as far as I know. Good riddance
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jan. 23, 2016 at 11:00 AM

My father was very physically and mentally abusive to my mom, and very mentally abusive to me and my sister. He tried to keep his shit going as I became an adult, but I moved out. I tried to give him chances to be a decent person, but the fact that I am grown with my own family and the fact that he cannot control me drives him up the wall... So I just dont talk to him. He hasnt seen my oldest in over a year and has seen my youngest twice in his life. I prefer it this way because my kids will NOT be around someone who thinks its OK to be horrible to people. 

So short answer: I dont deal with them. Cutting my father out (even though it cost me a relationship with my mom too) was the best decision for me. 

MOM-RN
by on Jan. 23, 2016 at 11:02 AM

My mother died when I was 21. We were as close as you can be with an addict parent, I married and moved 3000 miles to get away from her and her issues. I couldn't keep putting my life on hold anymore. 

I don't know if pregnancy/kids would have changed our relationship. I know she loved kids but a lot would have had to change before she would have been allowed in their lives. 

Personally, I feel that her death was probably the best thing for her. She was sick and her pain pill addiction only made it worse. She is no longer in pain. 

She had a lot of influence over how I raise my children because I am the mother that I wish she had been to me. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Jan. 23, 2016 at 11:02 AM

No, I cut mine out a long time ago. It was so liberating and I'm glad I don't have to deal with him.

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