• In the Spotlight:
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

I am trying so hard to be understanding, patient, and loving

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 15 Replies
But honestly I just can't anymore. My DH is ill. He has been for a long time. He wasn't I'll when we were dating or first married. Back then he was a loving, carefree, and all around fun guy to be around. Now he has one friend who is there for him. He has drive. Everyone away. He blames me however I talked to one of his friends and apologized if I had driven him and the others away. He told me that it wasn't me, it was DH. Of course he doesn't want to believe it and still insists on putting the blame on me. He calls me cruel and unloving. It's mainly because I don't talk to him as much as I used to. It's mainly because we have nothing in common anymore. He has allowed his physical and mental illnesses to completely take over. He has become toxic. He bitches about everything. Nothing ever goes right and he is always the victim.


I can't stand it. I can't stand that I am in a marriage with zero passion and zero intimacy. Right now I am staying because I am hoping that this is just temporary due to the physical illness he has. I am also staying because of DD. I'm honestly worried though that this isn't temporary and that it's going to come down to me having to choose to either stay or leave. Right now I'm thinking of leaving. I think this because this battle is going for years now.


Is this selfish? Am I wrong to be upset at my DH about this since he is battling physical and mental illness? Or am I within my right mind?
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 8, 2016 at 10:31 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Ted1242
by I'm listening. on Apr. 8, 2016 at 10:33 PM
1 mom liked this
I wouldn't stay in a marriage like that.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 8, 2016 at 10:34 PM
1 mom liked this
I keep telling myself it's because he is ill. It's not really him. I'm afraid that this isn't the case though. This is the new him. The illness has taken over.

Quoting Ted1242: I wouldn't stay in a marriage like that.
Ted1242
by I'm listening. on Apr. 8, 2016 at 10:35 PM
My first husband was similar but he medicated with a shit ton of beer and Xanax. I was out.

Quoting Anonymous 1: I keep telling myself it's because he is ill. It's not really him. I'm afraid that this isn't the case though. This is the new him. The illness has taken over.

Quoting Ted1242: I wouldn't stay in a marriage like that.
kiddycat73
by Platinum Member on Apr. 8, 2016 at 10:36 PM
1 mom liked this
What are the illnesses he has?
star33
by Gold Member on Apr. 8, 2016 at 10:39 PM
I wouldn't either. Temporarily, I'd work with him. If it was....idk 6 mos,a year I'd lay down the law. My bf has MS & he's still positive.

Quoting Ted1242: I wouldn't stay in a marriage like that.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 8, 2016 at 10:47 PM
Wedding vows state "in sickness and in health" but if you're completely miserable and he's not getting any better, why stay and spend the only life you'll have unhappy and miserable?
Nobody would expect you to.
How many years are we talking?
I wish you the best.
donnag013
by Platinum Member on Apr. 8, 2016 at 10:51 PM

I had almost the exact same situation. My ex is bipolar. At times, he was great. Other times, he was a dick. Then he got sick. Chronic acute pancreatitis. He became paranoid, and his bipolar spun out of control. He was on 22 meds but was unable to keep down many of them due to constant vomiting. This was in  November 2009. We separated in April 2012. I had had enough of the constant crap. More than I can write here.

But, no, even though I know it was and is his illness, I also know that I did every thing I could to improve the situation, including counseling. Then I was done. I feel no remorse for turning him out when he was so terrible

kikibix
by Ruby Member on Apr. 8, 2016 at 11:31 PM

I think it depends on how long this has been going on and just how truthfully and clearly you have let him know how his behaviour is affecting all his relationships especially yours. There is limit on just how long someone can put their own needs aside to be supportive and compassionate to their spouse. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 9, 2016 at 6:58 AM
He was diagnosed with Crohn's disease and is now dealing with depression.

Quoting kiddycat73: What are the illnesses he has?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 9, 2016 at 7:04 AM
It has been going on the better part of 10 years. I feel bad for our child because she doesn't know a healthy dad. All she knows is a man who is angry and depressed. Who has pushed many people away. We don't even share a bed anymore. The passion is gone and intimacy no longer exists.

Quoting kikibix:

I think it depends on how long this has been going on and just how truthfully and clearly you have let him know how his behaviour is affecting all his relationships especially yours. There is limit on just how long someone can put their own needs aside to be supportive and compassionate to their spouse. 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)