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Defiant 19 year old

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 62 Replies
I have one child, a 19 year old DD. She lives at home with me and her father. We waited until we were a lot older to have her. I am 59 and DH is 57. We are not in the best shape because we've worked hard labor jobs since we were teens. I have a dog grooming business and my DD works with me washing dogs. She is also taking summer classes online at the college she attends. She lives at home during the school year and goes to school nearby. She doesn't have many friends so she stays home a lot. What is a continuous problem in our home is that it is always a mess. It's a small house so it is always cluttered. I feel that I am cleaning all the time and she rarely helps. I ask her for help with housework everyday and sometimes she does it but most of the time she tells me "wait" or "I'm busy with homework" or "I just want to relax I worked hard at work today" and sometimes just flat out "no", and we get into arguments a lot because of this. I work hard too and I am in a lot of pain, DH only has one arm, so we can't do as much as we would like to but my DD doesn't like to pick up the slack. She says I am always telling her what to do and never asking about her or sitting down and just talking, which I feel is untrue. I am very overwelmed and her defiance adds to my stress. Today she told me that she can't wait to move out in a year. It hurts me that she feels like this but she makes living here hard on everyone because she does not help enough. What would you do?
Posted by Anonymous on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:25 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ShannonAKAmom
by Gold Member on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:30 PM
Charge her rent

ETA- she can do chores to lessen what she owes
Canadiana
by Platinum Member on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:31 PM

Honestly, sounds like she's a pretty good kid.  All kids can be lazy like that.  She should be moving out. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:33 PM
You think I should? I know how much she makes because I pay her. She saves most of her money and I don't really want her to go broke. I just want her to help more. She does help, just not enough.

Quoting ShannonAKAmom: Charge her rent

ETA- she can do chores to lessen what she owes
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:33 PM
Why don't you sit down and try and talk to her, rather than tell her what to do? Talk and listen, don't nag, order or anything. Talk and listen to her
PPCLC
by AZ Lizard on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:33 PM

Think back....have you been too overwhelmed to do that asking? To find out how she's doing? To find out how she's feeling? And why doesn't she have a lot of friends...choice or just social issues altogether?

Keeping a home clean should be the job of everyone in the home, regardless if they're adults or not. However, look at what you might be asking her to do and what type of slack she should be picking up since both you and your husband have some type of disability. Is she required to cover the bulk of the work?

Danesmommy1
by Grammar Enthusiast on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:34 PM
Tell her she can pull her weight or get out. Maybe give her a list of things you expect done each day.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:34 PM
1 mom liked this

I think everyone should be responsible for cleaning up their own mess - whether if you have 2 arms or 1.    Is DH home all day?  Then he can do laundry and run a vacuum.   

Does the house need constant dusting, is junk mail and papers an issue??   I think if the family can find some better organization tricks, they will reduce the stress and clutter. 


KTU
by Kim on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:34 PM

Either she helps around the house or she moves out on her own.

Medic32
by Go PREDS! on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:34 PM
I wouldn't allow a 19 yo to live with me in the first place. But, if I did, I would do as PP stated and charge rent with the option to lessen her amount by chores.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:35 PM
You need to build a relationship because right now she feels isolated from her parents and the world.

I would go into her room and talk to her about something random about yourself, like an activity you did with you parents as a child, to start an open dialogue. When the conversation is over excuse yourself and leave. The next day ask her if she'd like to go with you on a walk. Talk and walk. Make a point to have a conversation -not about work, or chores - every day.
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