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Need abuse advice!

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 15 Replies

I was in therapy for about a year following the demise of my first marriage. I guess I'm posting this as a little bit of validation? I'm unsure. Though I also know I can experience the harshness of internet anonomity. Anyhow, here goes...

TL;DR: My therapist explained how my cheating ex husband was emotionally and verbally abusive to me and even though its been a few years, I still struggle with feeling guilty and like it was my fault because I cheated once when we were dating. Needing CM therapists for the time being.

In 2006, I met my now ex husband. We met online. I was moving to his city, and he saw my dating profile ad. He msged me, and it was all she wrote. We were living together within 2 months of meeting. It was all very whirlwind, but looking bad, I should've seen red flags. I wasn't 100% happy but I was so happy to be loved, and even possibly feel in love that I ignored everything. For two years, we lived happily, until one day I stopped being AS happy. I woke up, I suppose? I realized that he rarely communicated and instead of being affectionate and loving, he would just buy me stuff. This may work with some women, but not me. Instead of being upfront and honest about my unhappy feelings, I hid them and cheated. I never slept with anyone else, but in his eyes, I was the biggest whore ever, once he found out. I accept what I did was wrong for seeking someone out. I went to therapy for a couple months following, to try and figure out what went wrong with my breakdown in communication. We broke up for a time, and after me begging to come back, and him "not wanting to look like a douchebag", he took me back. My ex husband decided, "Let's have a baby!", and me in my stupidity said, "Okay!". We got pregnant with our oldest about 4 months after all this happened.

Our relationship was never the same.

He became mean. I assumed it was his way of dealing with what I did and whenever he would have outbursts, I figured I deserved it because he needed to deal with his emotions. Once I became pregnant, small things would set him off. I fell on my hands and knees when I was about 20 weeks with our first. He yelled at me, stating "WTF! WHY CAN'T YOU LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING?!" instead of "Are you okay? Let me help you up".

We got married. There was no real ceremony. No rings. Nothing. We went on to have two more kids. In this time, I became a SAHM and became greatly depressed. I was confined to our home as we only had one vehicle and he worked, so I sat in the corner most of the time, nursing a new baby. When he came home, he wanted to play video games and ignore me and the kids because he had a long day. He would put me down with comments about my weight, or my intelligence (calling my hard earned BA my "BS" degree as it was a "bullshit degree), always calling me lazy, and asking why I hadn't done this or that, and how other women can do stuff. I sank deeper into a depression and rarely showered, only did enough for the kids, etc.

In April 2014, a MONTH after I had our youngest, he came to me and said "I've been having an affair for months now. I love her. I want a divorce", I was devastated. He gave me the blow by blow of how he had amazing sex with her the weekend before I gave birth to our youngest and how she was the perfect woman for him. How could this happen?! I thought things were okay (at the time), and didn't realize how bad things had gotten. I never realized he was so unhappy but I had to remember his lack of communication had never gone away. Suddenly, the only thing I'd known for almost 10 years, was gone. I stopped eating. I cried all the time, but I began therapy and realized...he is an abuser.

2 years later and my life is much different. I'm so happy. I see SO MUCH of his behavior as emotional and verbal abuse. But at the same time, I ask myself...was I at fault for it all? That's what I'm needing validation on. I feel like everything was my fault. 


Posted by Anonymous on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:39 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:44 PM

You were not a fault for his behavior.  He needs to own that.  However, you stayed for 10 years.  You weren't happy when you were dating, it all moved so quickly.    So, as an adult, you have to take ownership of your mistakes. learn from them and move on.  

You cannot move forward and be happy if you are constantly looking back and analyzing a bad relationship.

happymommy1105
by Platinum Member on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:46 PM
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bandcroft


Read it.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:52 PM

I absolutely take ownership of my mistakes. I know what I did in the relationship, in many aspects, was wrong. In MANY ways, I've grown from things and am a better person.

The only reason I even thought of this was being on FB earlier. I saw a post about people dealing with sexual abuse and feeling guilty over it...and the guilt hit me like a wave all over again. No clue why :( 

Quoting Anonymous 2:

You were not a fault for his behavior.  He needs to own that.  However, you stayed for 10 years.  You weren't happy when you were dating, it all moved so quickly.    So, as an adult, you have to take ownership of your mistakes. learn from them and move on.  

You cannot move forward and be happy if you are constantly looking back and analyzing a bad relationship.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:53 PM

Thanks. I will say though, that he doesn't think he's abusive. He says I just brought out the worst in him and wouldn't treat others like that. Perhaps he's right.

Quoting happymommy1105: Why does he do that? By Lundy Bandcroft Read it.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:55 PM

I wouldn't call him an abuser...he was hurt and resentful and that caused him to act like a jerk.

You cheated...you started the cycle..you should have just stayed gone when you broke up.

you need to take responsiblity for the role you played in your bad marriage....it wasn't one sided...he wasn't the bad guy and you were the poor victim. You were both at fault, you both contributed to the problems

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:57 PM
I was in an abusive relationship. It's been almost 6 years. I was with him for 4 years. We were never married. He was abusive but I still had a child with him. I love my child and I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for having to grow up and get my life together. I don't regret my decision. I do regret not seeing the signs early. I still wonder if I was a part of the problem.

I know it was just because my was a manipulative, cheating, abusive asshole. But I still feel like a lot of it was my fault. And it's irrational that I feel like that.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:57 PM

No, it was never one sided. That's why I feel like I deserved everything I got from him, and why I stayed. I thought "He loves me, but I deserve this because I was horrible to him"

To be fair, he cheated on me when we got together, and showed subtle signs of being controlling, IE: "You can't wear that." and me scoffing at him, and him getting angry. I took him back first, when he confessed to cheating. I should've seen it as a bad relationship.

Quoting Anonymous 3:

I wouldn't call him an abuser...he was hurt and resentful and that caused him to act like a jerk.You cheated...you started the cycle..you should have just stayed gone when you broke up. you need to take responsiblity for the role you played in your bad marriage....it wasn't one sided...he wasn't the bad guy and you were the poor victim. You were both at fault, you both contributed to the problems


hotspice58
by Platinum Member on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:57 PM

You were in love with the idea of being in  love.  It was too quick.  Heed those red flags!!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 4, 2016 at 1:58 PM

Part of me still feels like, to a certain extent, I deserved all of it.

He cheated on me when we first met, and I took him back initially because "Well, other than this, he seems to really love me...and he ADMITTED he cheated. He must truly be sorry and really love me"

Quoting Anonymous 4: I was in an abusive relationship. It's been almost 6 years. I was with him for 4 years. We were never married. He was abusive but I still had a child with him. I love my child and I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for having to grow up and get my life together. I don't regret my decision. I do regret not seeing the signs early. I still wonder if I was a part of the problem. I know it was just because my was a manipulative, cheating, abusive asshole. But I still feel like a lot of it was my fault. And it's irrational that I feel like that.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 4, 2016 at 2:00 PM

This is why the relationship I'm in now, makes me laugh.

Due to everything that happened, when I met my current boyfriend, I went crazy looking for red flags. When I found none, I panicked, but he knew my past with my ex husband and took it slow for me, explaining that he understood my fears (I'd dated before I met him, but it was never serious), and would let me set the pace.

Quoting hotspice58:

You were in love with the idea of being in  love.  It was too quick.  Heed those red flags!!


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