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Could Use Advice. Adult Child

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 37 Replies
SD lived with us through middle and high school. BM moved out of state, & became the "fun" parent. Last year BM talked SD into going to college by her, & that she would pay for it all. SD jumped on the offer. (Who wouldn't) So we packed her up, & drove her to college. When we dropped her off, she was full of aspirations, had a good head on her shoulders, knew what she wanted out of life, & was going for it full out.

We don't have money. Couldn't offer her any of what BM was offering. Best we could do, was let her live rent free, continue to use our car, & try to help as best we could with the local commuter school or junior college. We understood why she made the choice to go. But we're a little nervous about her mother's influence on her. (She plays the victim, the world owes her, that kinda thing)

FF; It's been a nightmare of a year. SD is a completely different person than the one we dropped off a year ago. She has failed all but 1 class. Dropped a class making her a "part-time" student. Meaning she will have to repay thousands of dollars in grant money. She has sent us hateful texts blaming us for all her stress. Refuses to talk to us every other month. We try to set her up with a good plan, she talks a good talk, then does whatever. BM has literally created a monster. She walks all over BM, but then demands BM pay for whatever she wants. BM has called DH several times insisting she is just "done". Then takes SD on a shopping spree the next day.

I'm at a loss. I feel like we could get her back on track here. But I'm scared that it will be a nightmare living in our home if she comes back. I know she's gotten into drinking. I fear drug use, but have no proof. I always thought I would have an open door policy when it comes to my kids. (Yes. SD is one of my kids) But I worry about the effect it would have on the younger kids, & the stress it will add to our home. We live in a small town house. The kids would end up having to share a room, or sleep in the loft. :/

Thanks for reading. Sorry so long.
Posted by Anonymous on Aug. 18, 2016 at 1:52 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 18, 2016 at 2:46 PM
Anyone? I have no one to talk to about this. In addition to all the above, she drove a huge wedge between us and our best friends of over 25 years. We used to talk daily and get together 3+ times a week. I haven't spoken with either of them since thanksgiving. Dhabi still has a professional relationship with the husband, but that's it. I am at such a loss.
young_lv_mom
by Gold Member on Aug. 18, 2016 at 2:51 PM
1 mom liked this
You can't help her if she doesn't want the help, while I don't have an adult child, just think if your parents tried to help you in a way you didn't want help would you take it? Would you really work with them? I'm sorry to say this but I think she made her bed and the best you can do is be there for her when she asks/wants it. Good luck
handy0318
by Ruby Member on Aug. 18, 2016 at 2:52 PM

The best I can offer is to try to talk with her. She has to realize that she's not handling things well, which is probably why she's dumping on you. She's dumping, but she's probably feeling overwhelmed, lost and confused. By letting her know that you're willing to help as soon as she's willing to see reason... she'll hopefully will come around.

That said... we certainly let our newly minted adult (this was last summer) know we would in no way enable bad behavior. We loved her, would support her in good choices... but if she was going to engage in poor choices, then she had to face those consequences. She came around. Maybe your dd will as well.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 18, 2016 at 2:54 PM
1 mom liked this
I guess that's true. We haven't really presented her with an option to come home yet. I think we are scared that she will say no. Maybe more scared that she will say yes.

Quoting young_lv_mom: You can't help her if she doesn't want the help, while I don't have an adult child, just think if your parents tried to help you in a way you didn't want help would you take it? Would you really work with them? I'm sorry to say this but I think she made her bed and the best you can do is be there for her when she asks/wants it. Good luck
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 18, 2016 at 2:56 PM
1 mom liked this
She is an adult now, not a six year old. She needs to own her bad behavior. I'd let her fly/fail on her own and if she came back I would
only let her stay with me if she was respectful and going to school and actually trying.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Aug. 18, 2016 at 2:59 PM
She's doing what any kid her age would do and milking it for all its worth. If she has been sheltered and is now experiencing freedom for the first time, it's normal to fall apart to an extent. Plus kids from broken families usually have a lot of pent up anger. Give her time and be patient. I failed my freshman year miserably. Went back a few years later and excelled. She just might not be ready or mature enough yet.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 18, 2016 at 3:01 PM
Yeah. We are pretty firm in not enabling bad behavior. Just can't seem to get BM on board with that. I hope she will eventually listen to reason...

Quoting handy0318:

The best I can offer is to try to talk with her. She has to realize that she's not handling things well, which is probably why she's dumping on you. She's dumping, but she's probably feeling overwhelmed, lost and confused. By letting her know that you're willing to help as soon as she's willing to see reason... she'll hopefully will come around.

That said... we certainly let our newly minted adult (this was last summer) know we would in no way enable bad behavior. We loved her, would support her in good choices... but if she was going to engage in poor choices, then she had to face those consequences. She came around. Maybe your dd will as well.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 18, 2016 at 3:06 PM
Yeah. She was a young freshman. I think she is totally playing on BM'S guilt. She left when SD was starting middle school. (Divorced before SD turned 1) SD is calling all the shots over there. It's pretty crazy.

Quoting Anonymous 3: She's doing what any kid her age would do and milking it for all its worth. If she has been sheltered and is now experiencing freedom for the first time, it's normal to fall apart to an extent. Plus kids from broken families usually have a lot of pent up anger. Give her time and be patient. I failed my freshman year miserably. Went back a few years later and excelled. She just might not be ready or mature enough yet.
happymommy1105
by Platinum Member on Aug. 18, 2016 at 3:06 PM
1 mom liked this
Honestly, my mother was overbearing as a teen. She will tell a similar story. How I went away to college and lost my mind.

I did a lot of drinking. I never did drugs. I ended up pregnant. I got my head back on straight and kept going forward.

The point is- sometimes we have to lose our way. Sometimes we have to get a little lost to find the right path.

Should you save her? That depends on how open to it she is. But also remember- saving her might be the worst possible move.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 18, 2016 at 3:13 PM
Thanks guys for the responses. I keep seeing the word "save". It honestly didn't even cross my mind that that's what I was trying to do. I was just thinking, bring her back home, get her back on track... My mind has seriously just been blown. I guess DH and I have a lot to talk about before we talk to SD.

Thanks ladies.
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