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Emotionally abusive ex husband... When does it get better?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 7 Replies
My divorce will be final this month. I left him almost two years ago. He was very mentally and emotionally abusive as well as manipulative. I hate that he still controls my thoughts and emotions and can't wait for the day that he no longer gets to control them. We currently have a domestic violence protection order but to me, that's just a piece of paper. He has threatened to slit my throat and I'm terrified that when he loses in our upcoming court, he very well might do it.

For moms who have unfortunately been in a situation like this, when does the fear go away? When will I live a normal life?
Posted by Anonymous on Sep. 7, 2016 at 12:43 AM
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 7, 2016 at 12:49 AM
The fear goes away when he does! Sorry I know that's not what you wanted to hear.

Can you have. Normal life sure. But always remember to protect yourself. Get a PO box so he won't know your address. Make sure he is blocked from contacting you (phones, email, social media) fm you can relocate to another area. Change your phone number (and cell
Provider - he can track you that way) change your email (he can hack you get your IP address and track you).

Having said all that he will forget you as soon as someone new comes his way.
PinkButterfly66
by Sapphire Member on Sep. 7, 2016 at 12:50 AM

Do what you can to protect yourself, security system, big dog, learn martial arts.  Martial arts will do wonders for your self confidence too.  I think when you take back the parts of you that he took from you and you can look him in the eye and see him as the scared, pathetic little man that he truly is and tell him to go the fuck away before you beat the ever lovin' crap out of him, then you won't fear him any more.  

Sign up for some martial arts classes this week!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Sep. 7, 2016 at 12:53 AM
1 mom liked this
Get a pistol permit, buy a gun, and take shooting lessons. You'll feel empowered!!!!
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Sep. 7, 2016 at 12:56 AM
When you stop letting him have that power. Get into therapy, empower yourself and take back control. The bad news is, your life will never be the same again. Your new normal is going to be different. My ex bf/stalker has been out of my life for almost twenty years, but I habitually exhibit situational awareness. out of habit, I lock my car doors at stoplights. Still take circuitous routes home if I spot the same car making the same turns as me. Most people would say that's just good dlsense, but it wouldn't have occurred to me to be hyper aware if not for years of threat looming over me.

A protective order is in fact just a piece of paper. No one will protect you except you. Take a CHL class and some defensive training. It is incredibly empowering to know that you can protect yourself. Even if you never have to use it, mentally and emotionally, it will help you heal and take control back.
NerdyMom2011
by Becca on Sep. 7, 2016 at 12:57 AM
It doesn't. I'm sorry. I still have to deal with mine on a regular basis, I just keep the convos short and sweet
Ted1242
by I'm listening. on Sep. 7, 2016 at 1:01 AM
Mine was/is emotionally abusive. He still is. He's very difficult to deal with. It's been over six years.
MrsTMN12
by Bronze Member on Sep. 7, 2016 at 1:28 AM
I still struggle almost 9 years later but we share a child that has really been wanting to know her father. She's got one picture from when she was 6 months old and had not seen him since. My dh adopted her and that's her daddy but she wants to know her biological one. I cannot and will not allow it unless courts are heavily involved.

I have changed my name, use only a P.O. Box, carry mace, have a very private social media account that anyone we both used to associate with is blocked except for the ones who were there during the trial and after for only me, I have been in therapy to deal with the emotional and physical side of the abuse for years, but I easily get triggered.

I will sit with him, my attorney and a mediator to see how he wants to be a part of her life but he will have a lot of hoops to jump through. I have friends that have kept me in the know of how his life has gone and it had not been great so I will not let him hurt her in any way. If we cannot reach an agreement on muy terms, nothing will happen and I'll explain to my daughter that it's for her best interest right now.

It does get easier but my case was emotional and physical. He beat me badly while I was pregnant, during the trial I was ordered to let him say goodbye to his daughter before terminating rights (I almost yelled at a judge for that). I still have effects physically from the abuse. Around the time the beating happened, I still have dreams and flashbacks. I have horrible anxiety and wake up screaming and sweating, I work really hard with my therapist to try to not feel this way and muy husband is sometimes the best but other times makes it harder on me but it's honestly because he had no clue how to help anymore and its not intentional.

Focus on becoming empowered. Do the things he said you couldn't or wouldn't do, however little it may be. Shoot a gun and get a permit. I'm working on getting my permit but I'm allowed to go to the range and honestly, it's amazing. Take control of your thoughts by always saying something positive to your negative thought. You'll get there over time. Good luck
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