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I resent my son

Posted by Anonymous
  • 41 Replies
It didn't start off this way.

When I had him things were really bad. I was sleeping on my mom's couch after I found out my son's dad was signed up on several sex websites and was cheating on me. So I already was upset my family didn't work out but I was already 8 months pregnant at that time so too late to abort.

Then I had him and I did not feel that overwhelming love everyone talks about. I did when I first found out I was pregnant but not when I had him. I was still extremely anxious and overprotective of him but I didn't feel that love.

And from the day I brought him home (to my mom's ) she tried to use him to control my every move.

"Do this or I won't watch your baby so you can work. Do this or I'll tell the court (my ex) should have custody. If you go to this place I'll throw you out"

It was literally everything. If she didn't want me to do it she would tell me she was either going to kick us out, tell the courts my ex should have custody, or tell me she was going to call CPS if I did it anyways.

It was never anything wrong I was doing. It was stupid shit. Like if I wanted to go for a walk with him or to the store, if for whatever reason she didn't want us to, she would say those things. And she could never ever explain why she didn't want us to go. Just said we couldn't go and would revert to what she said she was going to do if we did it anyways.

It took me 4 years to save up and move out. I was paying every bill while trying to save up and getting no child support.

Toward the end she was turning my son against me. If I tried to inact any discipline she immediately undid it. If I did something different than what she wanted she'd get on the phone to the whole family and tell them lies about me. She would tell my son I hated him and wanted him to die because I did things differently than her. And none of it was dangerous things. Simply doing things differently than what she did.

I did start to resent him. I felt trapped. Like I should have never had him.

And although we escaped and have no contact with her now for the last four years, that resentment is still there.

It is not as strong as it once was. But it just like lingers underneath everything.

I try to take care of him as best I can. But that overwhelming feeling of love is not there and deep down inside even though I know it's not his fault that resentment is still there and still lingers.

I am NOT going to a doctor. I refuse. When I sought counseling before I probably went to 10 different doctors who all wanted to dope me up. I'm not taking pills. And even looking into in just the past couple months, they still over the phone talk about putting me on medication so I never even make an appointment because I'm not taking pills. I feel like I can't find a doctor who takes my insurance (medical through the state) who doesn't want to immediately prescribe "happy pills" to me.

I cannot afford anything medical wise out of pocket. The money is not there, period. And I do have a cell phone my Dad pays for so don't suggest getting rid of that. I still don't get child support and the only PA we get is medical. I have zero extra money. I need my phone because I get 90% of my overtime or extra hours at work when they call for extra help or if someone called off. They call me or text me first and I always go in.
Posted by Anonymous on Sep. 7, 2016 at 4:54 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Ruby Member on Sep. 7, 2016 at 4:59 PM
1 mom liked this
So what do you expect to happen if you are refusing the help that's available? If you are unwilling to get help then suck it up buttercup.
by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 7, 2016 at 5:00 PM

If you aren't willing to do what doctors think will help, then how will you get better? I was once on meds  for depression. It wasn't bad. I told them I didn't want to feel like a zombie or eat everything in sight. We found a med that worked for me with few side effects.  I was on them for a few months. It helped so much. You can't want to fix the problem but not want to do what it takes. Meds for depression and other things is the same as if a person needed to take insulin. Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Be up front and tell them you don't want certain side effects.  Depression is real. It isn't just a feeling. It is a medical problem and nothing to be ashamed of.

by Ruby Member on Sep. 7, 2016 at 5:02 PM
Give your child to your ex or your mom. He deserves better
by Ruby Member on Sep. 7, 2016 at 5:02 PM

sounds like you had unteated post need counseling..i understand how you feel.ive never resented my son but i went through hell his first 5 years..i am however resentful that my one shot a motherhood was ruined by a psycho mil and a dumbass baby daddy..

by Platinum Member on Sep. 7, 2016 at 5:05 PM
Why are you so against taking pills? Don't you want to feel better and take better care of yourself and your child? If you had any other medical issues, wouldn't you get treated for it?
by Anonymous 3 on Sep. 7, 2016 at 5:05 PM
Wow! Im sorry you have had such a hard time. Im sorry your mom was not a mom. Her lack of caring could be contributing to your inability to connect to your child. It sounds like you have no idea how to love. You care, but dont love.
You sound as if you control your feelings for your son, the way your mother controlled you. Sad.
Im sorry you were not helped by Drs either because it does sound to me like a boost to your system could help you. Depression has a biological component and for you to really help yourself, it may mean that. I suggest you reconsider an try an antidepressant for a short time. (8 weeks) to see if it does in fact help.
Changing your perspective, getting rid of stress, easing up and providing you with the positives your brain needs to feel better could be life changing for you and your son.
by Anonymous 4 on Sep. 7, 2016 at 5:09 PM
1 mom liked this

I want to cry for your son living in this situation. especially since you don't want to get help. seriously that poor little boy. 

by on Sep. 7, 2016 at 5:12 PM
This is so sad.
by Anonymous 5 on Sep. 7, 2016 at 5:12 PM
Your want us to figure out how to help you right after you shoot down the obvious ways?

by Mary on Sep. 7, 2016 at 5:14 PM
You have to be willing to help yourself first which you're against doing so best of luck to you.
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