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Opinions please...(sorry long!)

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 9 Replies
My exhusband passed away in May. We had 3 boys together who are 16, 14, and 13. They are really struggling with his death and having a hard time coping. I've started all 3 in therapy already and they're trying to work through it all. My ex was not a very involved father...he'd see them maybe 2-3 times a year even though he only lived 2 hrs away. He'd occasionally take them for a 3 day weekend or a week during spring break and occasionally for like a month in the summer (that only happened maybe 3-4 times in the 9 years we were apart.)

Ok here's where I need your opinions...my boys' aunt contacted me yesterday. Their family is finally having a memorial service for him on Saturday. She wants the boys to come but has said they want "family only" and basically told me I'm not invited. The boys have stated on multiple occasions that they wanted me there when the time finally came for their father's memorial. Their aunt wants to basically pick them up on Thursday or Friday and bring them back on Sunday or Monday. I'm not sure what to do. I don't think it'll be good for them to go and stay for that long with the issues they're already having involving his passing especially with everyone else being so raw emotionally. Plus they want me there for support and if they go without me they won't really have anyone truly looking out for them as everyone else will be dealing with their own grief. I have no problem driving them down there and picking them up after the service if need be but honestly they'd prefer me there. Also they've never been to a memorial service or funeral before as this is the first person they've been close to that's passed away. What should I do? What would you do in my position?

I don't want to cause any issues for my ex's family (I have no ill-will towards any of them) and honestly he and I had a good relationship after we split even though he wasn't the best most involved father we were still very friendly with each other. Heck I drove the boys down to see him for a 2 hr visit when he was sick just because he wanted to see them but knew he didn't have the energy for a long visit. I did everything in my power to keep him in the boys' lives while he was here.

My boys also have some very bad blood between them and 1 of their aunts and also one of their uncles that took some of my ex's things and either threw them away or sold them for $$$...things my ex had promised to my boys. So yeah...I don't want that blowing up either and I'm afraid it will if I'm not there to keep them calm and grounded. Ugh!!! I just don't know what to do!!
Posted by Anonymous on Nov. 28, 2016 at 11:40 AM
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Replies (1-9):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Nov. 28, 2016 at 11:44 AM
2 moms liked this
I'd call the aunt and tell her that you are coming for your boys and that is it.
drsclara88
by Silver Member on Nov. 28, 2016 at 11:44 AM
2 moms liked this
Within reason I would let the boys decide. If they feel comfortable and want to go, I would allow it. Theyre old enough to know how they feel about it.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Nov. 28, 2016 at 11:45 AM
1 mom liked this

I'd go...but that is just me

tiafez
by Gold Member on Nov. 28, 2016 at 11:52 AM
1 mom liked this

I'd discuss it with the boys and see what they think. If they'd rather you be with them then return the Aunt's call and say the boys are more comfortable with you bringing them and if that won't work then they politely decline. 


MrsBieg
by Platinum Member on Nov. 28, 2016 at 11:57 AM
1 mom liked this
Those boys are old enough to decide that for themselves.
STVUstudent
by Ruby Member on Nov. 28, 2016 at 11:58 AM
1 mom liked this

I would be honest with teh aunt- about everything.  Your children want you with them for support, you do not want them out there with no one looking out for them, and yeah, there is bad blood because some of the relatives took and sold items that your ex promised HIS SONS (so yeah, these folks are not looking out for the boys' best interest).  You go with the boys or THEY chose to not go and you as their mother are not going to make them go.

miss_michele7
by Silver Member on Nov. 28, 2016 at 12:01 PM
1 mom liked this
Call the therapist , ask if you can meet up with all 3 kids and yourself. Discuss the situation and options then choose what's best for all involved with the advice of the professional.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Nov. 28, 2016 at 12:03 PM
2 moms liked this
I'd go. Your kids deserve to attend and have who they want to support them.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 28, 2016 at 12:08 PM
This is mostly what I'm worried about. This family has already proven time and again that they aren't looking out for the boys' best interests. Heck they didn't even mention them in my ex's obituary!!! I'm going to talk to the boys tonight about all of it and go from there. I can guarantee that if I can't go they won't want to without me. I already tried telling their aunt that they were struggling with their dad's death and she didn't seem to care...just went into yeah I am too. @@ Ugh.

Quoting STVUstudent:

I would be honest with teh aunt- about everything.  Your children want you with them for support, you do not want them out there with no one looking out for them, and yeah, there is bad blood because some of the relatives took and sold items that your ex promised HIS SONS (so yeah, these folks are not looking out for the boys' best interest).  You go with the boys or THEY chose to not go and you as their mother are not going to make them go.

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