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How would you handle this? (Presents from exdh)

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 20 Replies
Exdh and I have been divorced almost 4 years. He left me for a woman 12 years younger who did not want kids. She was an artist and appreciated him. Lol. Still makes me laugh. Anyways, I was angry and still a little hurt, but I moved on with the kids. Everything was easily split and he was given eowe. He tried a few times after the divorce, but since she didn't want them at their place it got weird and he just stopped all together. It's been 3.5 yrs since he has seen or talked to them. He's an ass. I have no idea what happened to the man I married, but it does Noone any good for me to call him and beg or yell at him to see his kids.

He does send Christmas presents every year. It's usually a big box of random things. It's never anything they are interested in. They usually get thrown to the side. Last year was the first year that my oldest seemed to take notice and asked why his dad would send him ____. We had a discussion for being grateful that people do think of us.

This year, the youngest has been asking questions about why daddy doesn't talk to him. We have discussed it, but I think the two of them talk amongst themselves more about it. They have both asked if I could call his dad and tell him what they like. We all had another conversation about being grateful for what we get and if they would like, they can donate whatever their father gets them to kids in need. They seem to be more annoyed that it's not as easy to just call him up and say hey. I have had to keep him updated on all school things, but he has never replied and the number I have for him is no longer working. I do not have his new address.

I remarried 8 months ago so I think that having a dad in the house all the time has them thinking about their biological dad.

So what should I do? Tell them I have sent him a message? I'm tempted to have them write a letter like dear Santa and then get items from that list with "from dad" on it, but I feel like that is lying. DH thinks that I should just keep saying and doing what I have been.
Posted by Anonymous on Nov. 28, 2016 at 3:34 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Mrs_Sweet
by Gold Member on Nov. 28, 2016 at 3:58 PM
I am not divorced so my opinion may not mean much, but seeing my good friend go through this, I would not try to pretend dad sends them stuff, or that he tries to get in touch with them. They will learn (if they don't already know) and I don't think it does them any good faking it.

Sounds like you are doing a great job with your kids.
CorpCityGrl
by Ruby Member on Nov. 28, 2016 at 4:01 PM

I would not pretend. That's just disappointing and gives them false hopes and expectations. Just keep doing what you're doing - telling them that they should be grateful for presents and it's not about the stuff but the thought. If they want to contact him, why not let them write him a letter or an email (whichever way you usually contact him) and leave it at that.

SDmomma-3
by Ruby Member on Nov. 28, 2016 at 4:01 PM
I would say keep doing what you've been doing.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Nov. 28, 2016 at 4:03 PM
Your children know the bad gifts are a sign of your ex's total lack of care. I think they want to test the waters with a gift list.

ETA: This is one of those rare times that being thankful for what you get doesn't apply. It's unrealistic to tell them to be thankful for the symbols of their father's lack of knowledge about his own children.
Lulu-mama
by on Nov. 28, 2016 at 4:03 PM
As tempting as it is, do not cover for him. Try your hardest to get a list of things that your kids would actually like to him. Perhaps Facebook, or family could help you get a current phone number for him? Is he not paying child support?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Nov. 28, 2016 at 4:07 PM
Please don't pretend their father cares. That would hurt so much more in the long run...
happymommy1105
by Platinum Member on Nov. 28, 2016 at 4:10 PM
I tell my oldest son "I have a number for your dad but he doesn't answer it. You can try to call it." I don't have a valid address for him. I don't know where he lives or what he is doing.

Every once in awhile- he sends me an email. But even then it's full of crazy crap that would hurt my son more to if he knew.

His dad has always been gone. He goes to therapy for abandonment issues from it.

I would suggest some therapy and to just keep reassuring them that they are loved. Tell them the truth.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Nov. 28, 2016 at 4:11 PM


Quoting CorpCityGrl:

I would not pretend. That's just disappointing and gives them false hopes and expectations. Just keep doing what you're doing - telling them that they should be grateful for presents and it's not about the stuff but the thought. If they want to contact him, why not let them write him a letter or an email (whichever way you usually contact him) and leave it at that.


Mrs.ChuckBass
by Platinum Member on Nov. 28, 2016 at 4:13 PM
What a dick!
I wouldn't want to cover for him but I would, because my babies come first
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Nov. 28, 2016 at 4:16 PM
I agree with this. Once my dad left a box of the most random gifts, I felt then that he didn't do it because he cared but just because he wanted to look good to his mom.

Quoting Anonymous 2: Your children know the bad gifts are a sign of your ex's total lack of care. I think they want to test the waters with a gift list.

ETA: This is one of those rare times that being thankful for what you get doesn't apply. It's unrealistic to tell them to be thankful for the symbols of their father's lack of knowledge about his own children.
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