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Undecided-dh being a jerk-help me decide.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 12 Replies

Brief back story. For 25 years, my brother and I have been alternating Xmas eve/day with our parents and in-laws. There's only the 2 of us, this is so our parents are never alone for a holiday. (sadly, it happened one year). A few years ago...3 to be exact. My brother (obviously, along with his wife) decided to stop alternating. They would start spending Xmas eve with her family, annually. And Xmas day with our family annually. 

That's his choice. I still planned on alternating. It was important to dh, so I said 'fine'. I was VERY clear to both my brother and mother that every other year, mom and dad would be alone on Xmas eve. My mother was completely fine with that. Then, last year, she died. 

Last year, my brother dictated that the holilday 'schedule' would remain the same..then literally 7 days before Christmas, he wanted to change things. I couldn't do that a week before Christmas..for multiple reasons. My mil has already purchased her roast, that didn't include 4 more people. Plus I work holidays. Last year, I worked Christams, this year I worked Thanksgiving.

This year, my sil's mother passed, almost 1 year to the day from my mother. And her sister's dh, died in a car accident, the week before Thanksgiving. 

I talked to my brother who seems to think that because HE changed the way he does things, WE did. NO I did not. I told you this, 3 years ago, last year, AND 2 weeks ago. Somehow-my brother is treating this like it's the first time he's ever heard it. 

When I talked to my brother 2 weeks ago, I told him that I figured with my nephew (11yo) and my brother's grandson (2yo) that he would prefer to host Xmas day, let me know what I could bring. I guess I invited me and my family to his Christmas. My father told me last week to talk to my brother-which I couldn't do because he was overseas for work. 

This was supposed to be my Xmas eve with dh's family. They're coming to our house, because my dad, won't drive to where they live. (it's an extra 30 min-my dad has a circle, work, supermarket, my house, my brother's house that's it). 

So I find out tonight my brother has like 20 people coming to his house for Christmas dinner. Dh is pissed.(he threw out his back, can't stand long, doesn't want to go, but is being kind of a dick about it). We'd make another 5 (dh, me, ods, ods' gf, and yds).

My mil, has been having back issues, and isn't hosting ANY holiday this year. (very difficult for her) So other than staying home, idk what we'd do for Christmas. 

I don't mind going to my brother's. I told dh that, there's been alot of death the past year, and people need to be together. To that I got "fuck that..fuck sil's mother's death, fuck your mother's death, fuck death. I'm sick of hearing it." At this point, I told dh he doesn't have to come. That he can stay home or go to where ever his parents are on Christmas. (I also told him to pack a bag and plan on staying there for a while. Which he wouldn't do anyway, but I still said it, I was pissed)

My nieces and nephew have lost both their grandmother's within a year. Not to mention, their aunt lost her husband suddenly, and they don't really know what happened with regard to his passing. Being around people is helpful. I feel for them. I was last year, where they are this year. It's shitty. 

My dh's starts telling the kids (22 and 20) "hey Uncle ___ is having like 20 people for Christmas, your mother wants to go, how about you guys stay home with me." I have NO idea, how I didn't breathe a fire ball. 

At this point I'm not talking to dh. Because he's being a dick about it. PLUS I've included an invitation to one of my bil's and his fucking crazy gf who I'd rather not have in my home. (I do it for my mil, she's done SO much for me...but this is the crazy bitch's last chance)...Somehow none of this matters to my dh.

I feel bad because I (unknowingly) invited myself and my family to my brother's-but my brother 'forgot' the 'schedule'...so idk what to do now. 

Almost 30 people is A LOT. Idk where my brother is going to put us all-and honestly, one of my sil's sisters makes me uncomfortable-I've never felt comfortable around her, neither has dh or my kids. idk why, I guess the why doesn't matter-it just is the way it's been for 25 yrs-sucked it up. I guess this sister is with my brother every year, as her in-laws live in FL and don't come home for the holidays.

I feel like with so many people being at my brother's I should bow out-since my brother clearly didn't plan on us being there- I'm not sure how to do it gracefully, and honeslty my brother said "We'll have a Griswold Christmas!! It'll be fun!!"

No bashing please. Sorry it was so long. Thanks if you made it this far.

Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 11, 2016 at 12:21 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MikeysMom22
by Ruby Member on Dec. 11, 2016 at 12:27 AM

You could always stay home and make your own traditions. It sounds like you don't really want to be with any of these people 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 11, 2016 at 12:30 AM

I don't necessarily mind..but it's nice to spend the holidays with just my brother, sil, nieces, nephew and grand nephew (if he's not with his dad)..

I'm more pissed my brother had no memory for ANY of the conversations we had about the holidays...

Quoting MikeysMom22:

You could always stay home and make your own traditions. It sounds like you don't really want to be with any of these people 


Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Dec. 11, 2016 at 12:31 AM
So much death. :(

I'm sorry but it got confusing. The options are-

Going to your dh's family. It'll be you/your family (5 people) and whoever they invited?

Or your brothers- where there's 20 people, including your dad?

I'd want to go to my brothers, since they experienced so much heartache... but I'm also not married so I couldn't imagine putting someone else/their family 'above' my own. I totally get how his family is your family though too.

Could you go to both?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 11, 2016 at 12:34 AM

Our options are staying home, POSSIBLY going to where my mil/fil are for Christmas day, or my brother's. Plus we're seeing them on Xmas eve.

Spliltting it is but isn't an option, they're almost an hour (if not longer) apart. Between going to in-laws, my brother's and coming home it'd be 3 hours of driving.

I'm not putting any family above mine, it REALLY IS supposed to be the year we spend with my brother. We did it once before...the year before my mother died. But there wasn't 20 people.

Quoting Anonymous 2: So much death. :( I'm sorry but it got confusing. The options are- Going to your dh's family. It'll be you/your family (5 people) and whoever they invited? Or your brothers- where there's 20 people, including your dad? I'd want to go to my brothers, since they experienced so much heartache... but I'm also not married so I couldn't imagine putting someone else/their family 'above' my own. I totally get how his family is your family though too. Could you go to both?


Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Dec. 11, 2016 at 12:40 AM
If it's the year with your brother, I'd go there. I'd talk with him about it, make sure he's ok with it and then go. If he feels like it'll be too much, then I'd go to the ils.

Are you able to see the other family members through the year or is this the only time?

Quoting Anonymous 1:

Our options are staying home, POSSIBLY going to where my mil/fil are for Christmas day, or my brother's. Plus we're seeing them on Xmas eve.

Spliltting it is but isn't an option, they're almost an hour (if not longer) apart. Between going to in-laws, my brother's and coming home it'd be 3 hours of driving.

I'm not putting any family above mine, it REALLY IS supposed to be the year we spend with my brother. We did it once before...the year before my mother died. But there wasn't 20 people.

Quoting Anonymous 2: So much death. :(

I'm sorry but it got confusing. The options are-

Going to your dh's family. It'll be you/your family (5 people) and whoever they invited?

Or your brothers- where there's 20 people, including your dad?

I'd want to go to my brothers, since they experienced so much heartache... but I'm also not married so I couldn't imagine putting someone else/their family 'above' my own. I totally get how his family is your family though too.

Could you go to both?

GaleJ
by Ruby Member on Dec. 11, 2016 at 12:54 AM
1 mom liked this
I would need a large chart to figure this all out...and I really don't care all that much. Why not sit down with your husband and sons with or without the girlfriend as appropriate and decide like grown-ups what you will do for the holidays.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 11, 2016 at 11:22 AM

yes, we see family during the year. Not that much, but we see them. (birthdays, summer cookouts..things like that..)

Quoting Anonymous 2: If it's the year with your brother, I'd go there. I'd talk with him about it, make sure he's ok with it and then go. If he feels like it'll be too much, then I'd go to the ils. Are you able to see the other family members through the year or is this the only time?
Quoting Anonymous 1:

Our options are staying home, POSSIBLY going to where my mil/fil are for Christmas day, or my brother's. Plus we're seeing them on Xmas eve.

Spliltting it is but isn't an option, they're almost an hour (if not longer) apart. Between going to in-laws, my brother's and coming home it'd be 3 hours of driving.

I'm not putting any family above mine, it REALLY IS supposed to be the year we spend with my brother. We did it once before...the year before my mother died. But there wasn't 20 people.

Quoting Anonymous 2: So much death. :( I'm sorry but it got confusing. The options are- Going to your dh's family. It'll be you/your family (5 people) and whoever they invited? Or your brothers- where there's 20 people, including your dad? I'd want to go to my brothers, since they experienced so much heartache... but I'm also not married so I couldn't imagine putting someone else/their family 'above' my own. I totally get how his family is your family though too. Could you go to both?



Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 11, 2016 at 11:23 AM

Because my dh isn't behaving like a grown up with regard to this. 

Quoting GaleJ: I would need a large chart to figure this all out...and I really don't care all that much. Why not sit down with your husband and sons with or without the girlfriend as appropriate and decide like grown-ups what you will do for the holidays.


Skittles2015
by on Dec. 11, 2016 at 11:29 AM
Its very confusing to me but if it was this stressful just reading this then seriously id just stay home! 20 people is alot. We couldn't do it. Hubby has PTSD and i am very claustrophobic. Maybe your hubby cant stand large crowds either? Id stay home and at other times invite your neices over.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Dec. 11, 2016 at 11:31 AM
When we had kids we stopped going anywhere. Everyone knows where we live, they are more than welcome.
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