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I made a mistake where do I go from here

Posted by Anonymous
  • 12 Replies
SD lives with us full time. She rarely sees bm. I am trying really hard to not bring bm up to her. Her therapist said I should let SD come to me about bm so I'm really tring and it haseems really helped our relationship.

Tonight we went to a journey to Bethlehem at our church. They give you these fake names odd for bms name. Of course sd snatched it and just kept talking about her how it was her favorite name because it's her mom's name.

It was a girls night just me and my daughters I have been working really hard not to being her up so I tried to ignore it at first. It kept going on and on. So I did a really really immature thing andone I suggested we all pick different names from the bin that wasnt anyone we knew so we could be someone totally different.

My other daughters agreed sd did it but she was unhappy. She did get over it later and hugged me for bringing her which felt really nice. I apologized to when we were alone. I explained that sometimes I just want it to be about us 4 girls having fun and about no one else.

I know I was wrong and I was acting childish. I just worried that it mess up the night and set off a trigger that I'm trying to avoid. I think the character name changes helped although I know I could have handled it better!
Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 11, 2016 at 12:59 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by Platinum Member on Dec. 11, 2016 at 1:05 AM
Eh you apologized and she gave you a hug I'd say that's sufficient enough for now. If nothing else take the kids and go out for ice cream later this week
by Anonymous 2 on Dec. 11, 2016 at 1:05 AM
I dont see how what you did was wrong but im a short fuse so my view on what patience is may be slightly skewed
by Anonymous 3 on Dec. 11, 2016 at 1:06 AM
I think you handled it just fine. You guys were there to have a good time not talk about serious stuff. And it sounds like BM is a serious topic.
by Ruby Member on Dec. 11, 2016 at 1:11 AM
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I am not sure that you handled it poorly.

It don't know the problems with BM (and you do not need to tell)  But clearly she at least sometimes feels that she needs to connect with her mother in some way.

Children who have lost a parent through death often experience something similar and feel that they are losing any memory of the loved one.  No matter what BM has done she is still connected to her daughter and your daughter will always have that connection.

If she no longer sees her or very rarely, it may simply be that she feels she is losing everything about her.  And that is scary because that mother is apart of her own self.

You might have said, it is a lovely name but let's  see if we can find names that aren't anyone we know so we can pretend better.  Same thing just slightly different.

I think that you will have many time where you say something and think the same thing but because of her need for a counselor you are more sensitive to your "failings".  You did fine.

by Platinum Member on Dec. 11, 2016 at 1:17 AM
You did not do anything wrong. True you could've been more sensitive,but you apologized for now that is enough.
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 11, 2016 at 2:53 AM
Thanks you all really made me feel better. I know my aditude was selfish but there are times where I just want the memories I have with those 3 only be about us!
I hope and pray that she only remembers the lesson she learned about Bethlehem and Jesus or that we hugged got pizza and decoratEd the tree until they went to bed.
Dh was out with the guyspecial before his cousin gets married in January.
by I'm listening. on Dec. 11, 2016 at 3:01 AM
I completely understand why you did what you did. I'm sorry her birth mother isn't a better part of her life, and I'm sorry your feelings were hurt.
by sarah_luvs_2_b_mama on Dec. 11, 2016 at 3:07 AM
U did nothing wrong and it's not like the BM was there. The fact that you talked it over w SD after is very healthy also.
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 11, 2016 at 9:32 AM
She's 12 I've been raising her for almost 10 yrs with my husband. She admitted to me that she sometimes wishes it was still bm, dh, and her. I used that as an example to say sometimes i vwish it was just us five. I asked if she ever wished that and first she said no then she said yes.
by Anonymous 4 on Dec. 11, 2016 at 9:39 AM
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Your right it was immature of you to over-react to her wanting to have a measure of closeness with someone who she clearly misses.

Was it the end of the world wrong? No, and you apologized for it. It doesn't sound like it doesn't need to be brought up in the future but you need to remember you're the adult next time she triggers you're emotions like that. Counting to 10 helps. :-)

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