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I just disowned my father. :(

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 16 Replies

So my Dad was a horribily abusive alcoholic. He used to do a lot of crazy shit like point loaded guns as us and threaten us. He beat us. He lied. He shot and killed a dog that I loved. He's just a rotten human. 

Still, I tried to be a good dd. My own dd has had very limited contact with him because I cannot trust him with her. We've always met in public and only for a few hours at a time. 

Well his birthday was yesterday and I called him to wish him a happy bithday and to let dd sing him the birthday song. Let me point out that dd LOVES her grandpa. She is totally unaware of past events. She's young and while my Dad was a horrible father he's been a decent grandparent. But last night, I had a change of heart. I realize that my father is just too unstable to stay in contact. 

I don't want to post a book here, but the conversation lead me to believe that he is delusional. He said a lot of things that were not true, and he wants to rewrite history so that he is not the bad guy. 

I can't do this anymore. He's made it abumdantly clear that he's not in his right mind. Combine that with the fact that he drinks heavily still and has violent tendencies. I just can't. 

How in the world do I explain this to my kid that adores him? She's only 7. She will eventually ask questions. 

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 26, 2017 at 1:14 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 26, 2017 at 1:16 PM

BUMP!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 26, 2017 at 1:20 PM
If this is new behavior for him, you should let his doctor know.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jan. 26, 2017 at 1:20 PM

My dh has gone through the same thing with my mil.  She tells him stories from his past that never happened and try to convince him they did so it makes her look better.  She talks about all the good things she did for him and his siblings and he looks at me like wtf.  I've seen through her since day 1 but dh has always tried to be a good son.  Now he's sees it like I do.  The good thing is that in the 10 years dh and I have been together, she has made really no effort to get to know our 3 kids.  They know who she is but don't really have a connection to her so it's fine that she's completely out of our lives.

In your case, I would just keep distance between your dd and your dad.  Hopefully the less he's around, the less he will affect her.

ResidentRedhead
by Platinum Member on Jan. 26, 2017 at 1:20 PM
He was probably drunk.
Lunarprancer
by Betsy on Jan. 26, 2017 at 1:21 PM

I'd just tell her an age appropriate version of the truth.

Cassielovesleah
by Member on Jan. 26, 2017 at 1:23 PM

I'm sorry. Try to be honest with her, but not harsh (if that makes sense). I would say something along the lines of it's not safe to be around him anymore and explain you're doing this to protect her. I've come close to doing that to my parents, but I've taken the high road. They practically disowned me first anyways. 

imstilljenny
by Gold Member on Jan. 26, 2017 at 1:23 PM
I feel so much compassion for your situation.

I had a really good, normal childhood when I was young, but my father started drinking when I was about 13. He was very violent and did similar thing with guns etc. He tormented us. He died of liver failure by the time I was 22, so I never had to deal with him being involved in my kids lives. I often wonder what it would be like and I think it would be terrible, unless he had stopped drinking, which would have been highly unlikely.

Are you close to your Mom?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jan. 26, 2017 at 1:25 PM

I agree with never letting him around your daughter alone.

However, some people argue that mental illness should be treated the same as physical illness - would you completely disown him because he had cancer, diabetes, etc?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 26, 2017 at 1:26 PM

No. He has been like this since I was about 6. He's always been very narcissistic. But what he said last night was just an eye opener. I think I always just wanted to dismiss his behavior. Then when I think about it, he's been crazy like this before. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. 

Quoting Anonymous 2: If this is new behavior for him, you should let his doctor know.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jan. 26, 2017 at 1:26 PM

Try explaining to her that he is very sick from alcohol (an adult drink), which is affecting his brain. 

Don't leave her in the complete dark. 7 is old enough to comprehend that not everyone is healthy on the inside.

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