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Mil is mad because I threatened her with a nursing home

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 235 Replies
My mil has early-onset Alzheimer's. She moved in with us and before then she was living alone. 95% of the time during the day, she is herself ( she usually starts getting confused at about 6 or 7 o'clock in the evening but usually by that point she's about ready to go to bed anyway). The problem is we don't know when she's going to start getting confused so she cannot live alone and she cannot be left home alone. She has already signed over power of attorney to my husband and I so that we don't have to worry about doing it later. She does not want to go into a nursing home. My husband and I know that eventually we will have to send her to one but our hope is to wait until she is lucid less than she is confused.

Everything has been going as well as can be expected I am her primary caregiver as I'm a stay-at-home mom. But like I said most of the time she doesn't need help with anything. And even when she's not Lucid it's more making sure she doesn't do dangerous stuff like cook or go somewhere. We have an alarm on her bedroom door and we have to hide the car keys in our room to make sure she doesn't get up in the middle of the night and try to drive somewhere.

The problem I've been having lately is that obviously with four children myself my husband and my mother-in-law I have a lot of errands to run. And like I said she cannot be left alone. I could leave her completely lucid and come home an hour later and she's completely gone. None of my kids are old enough to handle that so when I have to go somewhere if my husband's working (which he usually is when I do my errands) she has to come with. The problem is a lot of time she doesn't want to go. I don't know if she genuinely just doesn't feel like going anywhere or if she feels like I'm treating her like a child because I won't let her stay home alone but whatever the reason she gets very very difficult about it. And this is when she's completely lucid. I try to let her know ahead of time when we are going to have to run an errands. But that's not always a possibility and even when it is it's still fight. We have discussed it with her when she is lucid and she feels that when I want to run errands or take my kids to the doctor's or anything like that we should just hire somebody to come sit with her. She offered to pay for it out of her money but what she doesn't understand is that we're trying to save as much of her money as possible because eventually she will have to go into nursing home. But of course that discussion always starts a fight because she thinks that she should get to stay with us until she goes. Which is probably not going to happen. The other problem is I cannot always plan far enough in advance to get a babysitter every time I need to go to the grocery store or run a quick errand. I try to arrange somebody to come sit with her if I've got doctors appointments for my kids because I try to get at least a couple of them in each time we go, even that is not always possible. I also drive my kids to school and pick them up. There are times that I will leave her alone when I drive my kids to school because the school is only 5 minutes from our house so it really only takes about 10 minutes to drop them off and for now that's okay. But when it's time to pick them up, it takes a lot longer because I have to either get there well before school even lets out to get to the front of the line or I have to wait in a long line so she has to come. There have been times that her stubbornness has nearly made me late for picking the kids up.

I have talked to my sil about it. She lives out of state so she can't help and even her suggestions are of no help. She suggested that I just do all of my errands when my husband is home. When my husband is home, we're trying to spend time as a family. If I'm home all day long there's no reason I can't get my errands done during that time so that would my husband is home we can spend time together. And of course there's things like doctor's appointments that can't be done in the evenings and on weekends.

Anyway yesterday I had to go to the store to do my major grocery shopping of the week. I told her the day before and I told her the morning of that we were going to take the kids to school and go get groceries. Well she didn't want to and she made that very clear. I told her that I'm sorry but there's nobody coming to sit with her and she cannot stay home alone so she needed to come. She plopped herself on the couch and refused to get up. And she was completely Lucid at this point. So I laid down the law. I told her that sooner or later she will be going into a nursing home. The choice of sooner or later it hurts. I cannot have a 20-minute argument with her every time I go to the grocery store so the more she argues with me the sooner she's going to go into the nursing home. I told her she had 10 minutes to get her stuff ready to go and get in the car or I will start looking at nursing homes tonight.

Well she is still angry about it. When dh got come, she complained to him. But he agreed with me. He told her that we've tried to sitting down with her and trying to reason with her. He reminded her that we especially I have gone out of my way to make it so that she can stay with us rather than going straight into a nursing home. But she's going to have to give a little bit to. She's going to have to understand that it's because of her disease that she can stay home alone. It's not that I mean or hateful it's the fact that she could at any point become unable to care for herself while I'm gone.

I hate to say it but I really don't see this lasting much longer if she can't cooperate
Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 15, 2017 at 7:42 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Feb. 15, 2017 at 7:43 AM
Bump
sammichmaker
by soup sandwich on Feb. 15, 2017 at 7:45 AM
2 moms liked this
Holy wall of text! I have to go drink more coffee before I attempt this beast.
Isaacsmom913
by Ruby Member on Feb. 15, 2017 at 7:45 AM
8 moms liked this

Look into a home nurse or adult day care situation.  Call your agency for the aging they can direct you.  My Mom took care of my grandfather and grandmother who had alzheimers and it is hard!  Good luck!

mamafor6
by Ruby Member on Feb. 15, 2017 at 7:46 AM
Is there anyway you can do the errands during the early part of the day when she is more lucid and not as tired?
Im sorry your family is going through this. I know how hard it is as I helped with my grams.
She was the same way She woukd lose it as she got tired.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Feb. 15, 2017 at 7:48 AM
4 moms liked this
Caring for an elderly parent is one of the last difficult things to do. Call your counties office of aging for some advice and resources. You can hire respite care through them or see may qualify for something. She may need just asssisted living at this point and not a nursing home. Call your county today.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Feb. 15, 2017 at 7:49 AM
Home Health nurses cost a lot of money and for whatever reason her insurance company will help pay for a nursing home but it won't pay for home health aide. I've looked into some kind of Senior Center or something like that where she could go to during the day but the closest one is almost an hour and a half away. It's not even practical for me to have to drive her an hour and a half away to get an hour or two of shopping in.

Thanks

Quoting Isaacsmom913:

Look into a home nurse or adult day care situation.  Call your agency for the aging they can direct you.  My Mom took care of my grandfather and grandmother who had alzheimers and it is hard!  Good luck!

RaynesMommy07
by Ruby Member on Feb. 15, 2017 at 7:49 AM
9 moms liked this
I would do major errands on the weekends except doctor appointments. I know you guys want to spend family time together but I'm sure when your DH was little she pushed errands and family time to the side for him. I also agree wit hiring someone to sit with her. Her Insurance should cover it-at least partially to relieve some of the stress for you.

I know you won't like my reply but that's what I would do in your situation. My mom was sick before she passed. We did a lot of rearranging of our lives to accommodate her. But we were ok with it. She rearranged her life a lot for me growing up.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Feb. 15, 2017 at 7:49 AM
3 moms liked this
I don't blame you. You will probably get a bunch of women on here bitching at you because god forbid you not want to have to deal with a grown woman acting like a child every time you have to do something.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Feb. 15, 2017 at 7:50 AM
We've looked into assisted living and there's really only one Assisted Living place in the area and it has over a year-and-a-half waiting list. They won't even put my mother in law on the waiting list because she is already not always lucid. You have to be Lucid the majority of the time to be able to live there so Chances Are by the time she'd be at the top of the waiting list she would not qualify to live there anyway

Quoting Anonymous 2: Caring for an elderly parent is one of the last difficult things to do. Call your counties office of aging for some advice and resources. You can hire respite care through them or see may qualify for something. She may need just asssisted living at this point and not a nursing home. Call your county today.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Feb. 15, 2017 at 7:51 AM
Is it possiable to do all your errands in one day? Can you pay bills by phone or online?
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