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How to help brother who wants to become transgender

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 23 Replies

I'm a small town mom who doesn't get out out my own zipcode very often, I don't have cable. My contact with the world is through my laptop. I have a much older brother, he is almost 60 and in treatment for sex addiction. Through his treatment ,he realized he has always liked to dress up, but never wanted to talk about it. He has been married and when he was he cheated with both sex's, he got divorced, went into treatment for sex addiction. Now he wants magazines mailed to him and books as well. I looked at Amazon and really confused about the books he could use, then the clothing magazines for large women he wants me to send. I want to help but kind of lost. 

Have you ever had to show support to someone wanting to become transgender? where do you start? I am open minded, when he gets out of treatment I'd go shopping with him, I'd love to see his taste in clothes.

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 18, 2017 at 10:47 PM
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Replies (1-10):
BluesPagan2.0
by Platinum Member on Mar. 18, 2017 at 10:51 PM
1 mom liked this
You start by listening. Take him/her out for coffee or lunch. See what the preferred pronoun is. And then go shopping and accept that you have a much older sister now.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Mar. 18, 2017 at 10:53 PM
I would recommend counseling, but I know that will go against the 99.9% super lib mentality that is here in mc.
WesAndNicksMom
by Ruby Member on Mar. 18, 2017 at 10:55 PM

No one becomes trans, some just take longer to be who they are on the outside.  It sounds like you're supportive so just keep doing that.  Be supportive of treatment too :)

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Mar. 18, 2017 at 10:56 PM
Is sending that stuff into treatment apart of his treatment? Will it be allowed? I'd find that out first. If he suggests a book, magazine, whatever and you're comfortable with sending it- and again, it isn't against their rules, I'd send it. If you're unsure, ask him to verify which one. If you're uncomfortable, you can suggest other things- sending him the money to buy it, whatever.
AbbyWalsh
by Gold Member on Mar. 18, 2017 at 11:02 PM
I know it's all new and strange to you, but the first thing you might want to do is learn more about what some of the words mean, and what your brother actually thinks, feels, and wants.

Transgender basically means feeling that the body you're in and the gender you feel like (are) don't match. Most think "male that feels female" or vice versa, but there are many who believe there are more than 2 genders. Gender is on a spectrum. Usually, transgender people want to change their bodies to fit their own self-image.

Transvestite means someone who likes to wear clothing of another gender. Many women can wear men's clothing and nobody thinks anything of it. But when men wear dresses, some people think it's odd. In any case, your brother wanting to wear women's clothes doesn't necessarily mean he feels like a woman. He could be "a man in a dress".

I don't think your phrase "wants to be transgender" is really accurate. He either IS or ISN'T. It's not a choice.

Since he's asking you to buy things for him, he's probably open to discussing it with you. Don't be afraid to ask, but also don't be upset if he doesn't want to answer. Good for you being open-minded and wanting to help him. I'm sure he appreciates your support.

I'm just curious why he's asking you to send him things instead of shopping for himself.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 18, 2017 at 11:06 PM

He's in treatment for sex addiction so my guess is he is in counseling. 

Quoting Anonymous 2: I would recommend counseling, but I know that will go against the 99.9% super lib mentality that is here in mc.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 18, 2017 at 11:08 PM

I think this has been inside of him for decades. I remember seeing pics of him and his ex where they were dressing up for fun. I didn't think much of it, they were having their own private fun. 

Quoting WesAndNicksMom:

No one becomes trans, some just take longer to be who they are on the outside.  It sounds like you're supportive so just keep doing that.  Be supportive of treatment too :)


Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Mar. 18, 2017 at 11:10 PM
I meant to help fix his feelings, there's obviously something very wrong if he's s cheater, sex addict, bisexual, and now transvestite. People like this don't need to transition or be accepted, they need to be loved and helped with their issues.

Quoting Anonymous 1:

He's in treatment for sex addiction so my guess is he is in counseling. 

Quoting Anonymous 2: I would recommend counseling, but I know that will go against the 99.9% super lib mentality that is here in mc.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 18, 2017 at 11:10 PM

Thank you for explaining, I do have a lot to learn and this helps.

Quoting AbbyWalsh: I know it's all new and strange to you, but the first thing you might want to do is learn more about what some of the words mean, and what your brother actually thinks, feels, and wants. Transgender basically means feeling that the body you're in and the gender you feel like (are) don't match. Most think "male that feels female" or vice versa, but there are many who believe there are more than 2 genders. Gender is on a spectrum. Usually, transgender people want to change their bodies to fit their own self-image. Transvestite means someone who likes to wear clothing of another gender. Many women can wear men's clothing and nobody thinks anything of it. But when men wear dresses, some people think it's odd. In any case, your brother wanting to wear women's clothes doesn't necessarily mean he feels like a woman. He could be "a man in a dress". I don't think your phrase "wants to be transgender" is really accurate. He either IS or ISN'T. It's not a choice. Since he's asking you to buy things for him, he's probably open to discussing it with you. Don't be afraid to ask, but also don't be upset if he doesn't want to answer. Good for you being open-minded and wanting to help him. I'm sure he appreciates your support. I'm just curious why he's asking you to send him things instead of shopping for himself.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 18, 2017 at 11:12 PM

I think it is allowed because I asked how he knew exactly which clothing catalogs/books to ask for he said his social worker told him to ask for those specific things.

Quoting Anonymous 3: Is sending that stuff into treatment apart of his treatment? Will it be allowed? I'd find that out first. If he suggests a book, magazine, whatever and you're comfortable with sending it- and again, it isn't against their rules, I'd send it. If you're unsure, ask him to verify which one. If you're uncomfortable, you can suggest other things- sending him the money to buy it, whatever.


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