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Am I wrong? - long read!

Posted by on Apr. 10, 2017 at 8:15 PM
  • 7 Replies
Okay first off lemme say DH and I rarely argue and if so they've always been civil and short.
My SD14 moved in with us almost 18 mos ago. I love her and treat her like my own (i have 2 DDs 12 and 13). SD quickly became friends with DD13s bff, they were hitting puberty and already dealing with the drama that comes with being completely different. Unfortunately bff was DDs only real friend, so it was pretty hard when bff started coming over and ignoring her for SD. After a few months of teenage angst and drama DD and bff decided they just were so different and it was okay. They're now friendly with each other and I am very proud of DD for handling it well. We've talked constantly with all our girls about how sisters come first and there must always be respect between them. If someone is giving the other a hard time we expect them to stand up for each other.
Fast forward to now. There is a girl, we'll call her R, at our dance studio who is just the sweetest thing. She comes over and helps clean up, hangs out with SD7, she calls me mom lol. She is friends with all 3 girls, but her and DD13 consider each other best friends. Well Friday SD had her bff over for the night and hung out most of Saturday. Saturday night SD and R had a dance performance at a festival. We all go and the day before DD invited R over for a sleepover afterwards. So she comes over and right off the bat I can see DD feeling pushed aside, but they all decided to hang out together, including DD 12 and SD7. So that was great. Well Sunday DD wanted sometime with R as it had been a group thing, but SD goes to R and basically says "hey come hang out with me". Now I want to say I know 100% that it was up to R to leave DD and go be with SD, but like I said we have been here before and set guidlines to respect each other. I found out when I went to DDs room to get R and she wasn't in there, I could see it all over DDs face. She feels like it's happening again. I told her she's got to open up and let R know how it makes her feel to be ditched for SD. I'd like to add that I spent the day in bed with a migraine and knew that I wasn't in a place to talk to SD at the time it happened. I talked to DH later on and basically said I think we need to remind the kids of how we expect them to behave, taking a friend away from your sibling because your bored is not okay behavior. My husband responds by telling me "DD needs to work on being more social and he doesn't want to do anything that stifles SD". I'll admit I got pissed and we spiraled out of control. I felt he was playing favorites with SD and he felt I was playing favorites with DD. I am sensitive to my DDs, they lost their dad 3.5 years ago and I do hate to see them hurting. I woke up today still feeling very frustrated with DH, am I over reacting? I didn't want to tell SD she was terrible, because I do not feel that way. I think he was annoyed that I didn't handle it myself, he travels a lot and I'm always the one in charge. I really just didn't feel like I could deal with it properly and just wanted his back up. He thinks I'm just upset that he didn't agree with me. What do y'all think about the situation?
by on Apr. 10, 2017 at 8:15 PM
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Replies (1-7):
krislovejmt
by Pirate Wench on Apr. 10, 2017 at 8:18 PM

We have the rule around here that when someone has a friend over, you leave them and their friend alone. Keeps the teen girls my daughter brings over away from my older teen son and worked for my sister and I when we were kids.

luvmy002girls
by Bronze Member on Apr. 10, 2017 at 8:33 PM
That's pretty much our rule, unless they're all hanging out together. All I really wanted from him was to reiterate our rule. He just kept saying that it was up to R who she wanted to hang out with and maybe DD needs to hang out with both of them, which goes against our rule!

Quoting krislovejmt:

We have the rule around here that when someone has a friend over, you leave them and their friend alone. Keeps the teen girls my daughter brings over away from my older teen son and worked for my sister and I when we were kids.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Apr. 10, 2017 at 8:44 PM

I am so sorry for the loss of their dad. No, your not overreacting. Let all of them including your SD know that sisters come before friends.

krislovejmt
by Pirate Wench on Apr. 10, 2017 at 8:50 PM

He needs to back you up! Kick him! =P

Quoting luvmy002girls: That's pretty much our rule, unless they're all hanging out together. All I really wanted from him was to reiterate our rule. He just kept saying that it was up to R who she wanted to hang out with and maybe DD needs to hang out with both of them, which goes against our rule!
Quoting krislovejmt:

We have the rule around here that when someone has a friend over, you leave them and their friend alone. Keeps the teen girls my daughter brings over away from my older teen son and worked for my sister and I when we were kids.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 10, 2017 at 8:57 PM

I'd tell him that he's not dealing with the drama and for every time sd does that she's grounded for a week. I'd tell them all and tell sd that applies to dd if she does it to someone sd invited over. Then I'd tell both of them that if they have the friend over it's okay to say "No you came to spend time with ME not them." My mom made it a rule we couldn't do that and I enforce it. Sometimes the kids would rather play with that other kid but then it's time for them to go home no matter the plans. I tell them so and so didn't invite you and since you're doing playing with who did invite you then you can go home and miss out. Doesn't happen too often. Only allowed if invitee gets sick and cant do anything.

MrsBieg
by Platinum Member on Apr. 10, 2017 at 9:01 PM

Well, I think that it's not surprising that Dad doesn't quite get it.  Girls and their shit is complex.  Sometimes you have to see it to believe it and even then it can be hard to interpret what you've actually just seen.  

I think DD13 needs to tell R the history with SD14 and xBFF so that R can make her own informed decisions.  She should know that she's free to be friends with whomever she wishes but that there's a possibility that she's being manipulated.

I think the rule is unrealistic.  Adopting a "the more the merrier" policy where everybody is always welcome to whatever activities are going on in the home is most appropriate with such close aged kids. Wanna do stuff with just one other person, gotta go someplace else.  Because in the house or on family outings, all are welcome.  

And listen to DD12.  Her insights on what's going on will likely be the most on target.

Don't text and drive.  

luvmy002girls
by Bronze Member on Apr. 10, 2017 at 9:23 PM
Thanks y'all, I was seriously starting think I was just being a bitch lol. I try telling him that girl drama can get crazy. He just sees that SD makes amazing grades and follows whatever daddy says. But she can totally be sneaky lol As teens can be! He's being very stubborn right now which is just fueling my fire!
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