Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

father's day blues

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 7 Replies
I've posted about my son before. He's 11, a few months ago, was in the psychiatric ward- depression and hallucinations.

His father isn't really in his life. They met when he was 3- almost daily for a month before drugs took over. Went to prison. Seen him again once or twice when he was 8/9. Back to prison... didn't see him when he got out but spoke on the phone... back to prison- he gets out in July.

Sometimes during the prison stays, he'll write ds. Sometimes ds writes back. Sometimes ds wants a relationship, sometimes he doesn't. Not really sure how to approach that other than, I support whatever you wanna do.

A few weeks ago, I asked if he wanted to buy or make a father's day card to send it to him. He said yes but didn't want to go to the store to get one or make one (when I reminded him it was close).

The last time I spoke to his father was a month ago- he sent ds a drawing of a seductive, naked woman. I told him the letter was appreciated, but the drawing was inappropriate and ds didn't get it but I'll keep it until he's older. He got mad, called me names, more stuff happened but in the end, I hung up.

He did call yesterday (well, Saturday), but we were on vacation and I kept my phone on silent... honestly, I wouldn't have answered anyways. Can't call him back bc again, he's in prison.


So tonight... ds goes to lay down and starts crying. Why? Bc it was father's day and he didn't do anything for his dad. I told him he could still send a card- 'but it won't be special'...

Ugh. In my head, I'm thinking, he doesn't give a damn about you, why do you feel guilty about this? From birth to now, 11 years old, he's sent like one birthday card, maybe two. And that's when he's in prison. When he isn't, he wouldn't bother calling ds. Yes, addiction is a disease, I've heard it all, I get it... but not when my 11 year old is crying bc he feels guilty he didn't do anything. Does his dad feel guilty? I very, very, VERY highly doubt it.

Posted by Anonymous on Jun. 19, 2017 at 1:44 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-7):
EvasMommy326
by Silver Member on Jun. 19, 2017 at 1:47 AM
1 mom liked this
Ugh! I'm so sorry for your son. When he gets older he will understand.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jun. 19, 2017 at 5:39 AM
I hope he does.

If it's anything else, I can talk with ds and we can figure it out. But this situation, you just can't fix it.

Quoting EvasMommy326: Ugh! I'm so sorry for your son. When he gets older he will understand.
VegetaPrincess
by Platinum Member on Jun. 19, 2017 at 6:50 AM

It's normal for children to love their parents, even when their parents are shitbags. What your son is going through is very normal. It sucks and all but it's not unusual. 

My parents are horrible people and I still feel like shit on their birthdays because I don't do anything. But I also know if I do, it will blow up in my face. It's just a shitty situation and no, I'm sure parents like that never feel guilty at all. 

snflwrgrl
by Member on Jun. 20, 2017 at 4:17 PM

One of my favorite sayings is, "A mother is only as happy as her saddest child." :'( Whenever my child has been hurt, I wish it had happened to me instead. I'm sorry your son is hurting. :( My husband left my boys and I when they were just 4 1/2 and 7 and there have been a lot of disappointments over the years; missed visits, phone calls that never came, and promised trips that never materialized. Eventually he rarely saw them. My boy's feelings were all over the place too. They didn't understand. Sometimes they were sad and sometimes they were angry. My boys saw a Christian counselor and he helped all of us! He was supportive and provided us with valuable resources. Have you thought about seeing a counselor and/or your son seeing one? I have always remembered something I was told by my court mediator. She said, "If your child has one good, stable parent, they will turn out okay." I vowed from that day forward to be that one parent. :) I never had to say anything about my ex. My boys figured it all out on their own and they have grown into responsible, big-hearted young men. I'll be praying for you as you try to find the right words at the right time to comfort your son. Just keep being the great mom you are!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jun. 20, 2017 at 4:21 PM
Kids love their parents even if they are assholes.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jun. 20, 2017 at 6:58 PM
1 mom liked this
That is such a true saying.

It's funny. He called Saturday... and then just 10 minutes ago, called again. Still didn't answer. I feel like we have nothing to talk about- if he wanted to know about ds, he could at least write him.

Ds has been seeing a therapist, on and off for 3 years now. I haven't gone back to mine in over a year.

I do hope ds turns out good. I worry about it, what I say, what I don't say, what I do, don't do, etc.

He hasn't spoken about it since Sunday night and I'm not sure whether bringing it up would be a good thing or not. I like having conversations where there's an end point, this is the goal... but that'll never be the case in this. Like you said, feelings are all over the place.

Quoting snflwrgrl: One of my favorite sayings is "A mother is only as happy as her saddest child." :'( Whenever my child has been hurt, I wish it had happened to me instead. I'm sorry your son is hurting. :( My husband left my boys and I when they were just 4 1/2 and 7 there have been a lot of disappointments over the years; missed visits, phone calls that never came, and promised trips that never materialized. Eventually he rarely saw them. My boys feelings were all over the place too. They didn't understand. Sometimes they were sad and sometimes they were angry. My boys saw a Christian counselor and he helped all of us! He was supportive and provided us with valuable resources. Have you thought about seeing a counselor and/or your son seeing one? I always remember something I was told by my court mediator. She said, "If your child has one good, stable parent, they will turn out okay." I vowed from that day forward to be that one parent. :) I will say I never had to say anything about my ex. My boys figured it out on their own. I am happy to say they have grown to be responsible, big-hearted young men. I'll be praying for you as you try to find the right words at the right time to comfort your son. Just keep being the great mom you are!
snflwrgrl
by Member on Jun. 29, 2017 at 11:32 PM

Thank you for the very nice reply. :) I sure hope your DS is doing better. I'm so glad to know he has been seeing a therapist. Thank you for sharing that with me. You may want to consider seeing your counselor again too if you think it would help. I know it's easier said than done, but just keep listening to and loving that little boy, and try not to worry too much. I know it's a really hard thing not to do especially since you love him so much. <3 Try to remember that 75% of what we worry about never even happens. I don't know if you read your Bible or pray but that has always comforted me and helped me sleep at night. If you seek God, you will find him. He gives me a peace that surpasses all understanding and he'll gladly give you that too. I'm going to continue to pray for you this week. I hope you will stay in touch and keep me updated. Hugs! 

Quoting Anonymous 1: That is such a true saying. It's funny. He called Saturday... and then just 10 minutes ago, called again. Still didn't answer. I feel like we have nothing to talk about- if he wanted to know about ds, he could at least write him. Ds has been seeing a therapist, on and off for 3 years now. I haven't gone back to mine in over a year. I do hope ds turns out good. I worry about it, what I say, what I don't say, what I do, don't do, etc. He hasn't spoken about it since Sunday night and I'm not sure whether bringing it up would be a good thing or not. I like having conversations where there's an end point, this is the goal... but that'll never be the case in this. Like you said, feelings are all over the place.
Quoting snflwrgrl: One of my favorite sayings is "A mother is only as happy as her saddest child." :'( Whenever my child has been hurt, I wish it had happened to me instead. I'm sorry your son is hurting. :( My husband left my boys and I when they were just 4 1/2 and 7 there have been a lot of disappointments over the years; missed visits, phone calls that never came, and promised trips that never materialized. Eventually he rarely saw them. My boys feelings were all over the place too. They didn't understand. Sometimes they were sad and sometimes they were angry. My boys saw a Christian counselor and he helped all of us! He was supportive and provided us with valuable resources. Have you thought about seeing a counselor and/or your son seeing one? I always remember something I was told by my court mediator. She said, "If your child has one good, stable parent, they will turn out okay." I vowed from that day forward to be that one parent. :) I will say I never had to say anything about my ex. My boys figured it out on their own. I am happy to say they have grown to be responsible, big-hearted young men. I'll be praying for you as you try to find the right words at the right time to comfort your son. Just keep being the great mom you are!


Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)