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What do you do when someone thinks they have fixed the problem but they haven't?

Posted by Anonymous
  • 8 Replies

My husband and I both have children from our previous marriages. My husband has four kids, I have two. Three of his children are teenagers who he never had the privilege of living with because he was deployed in the military.

His youngest child is close to the same age as my biological children and he has lived with her and raised her from birth. They have a closer relationship than he does with the older kids but he loves them all the same.

Just for clarity's sake, the youngest children are Ely (10, mine), Nala (9, his), and Jake (8, mine).

Before I go any further, I should say that he is absolutely wonderful to my children. Their own father is not there for them but he is, in every way. We are lucky to have him. 

That said, there have always been double standards and special treatment for Nala. When I met her, she was 5 years old and very much babied and treated with much lower expectations than all of the other children. She was allowed be louder, messier, more dependent than the other children. At the age of 8, she was still eating off of plates made for toddlers, still drinking out of a sippy cup, and still took only baths instead of showers (this is just an example, there are many more). I had a gentle heart to heart with him years ago and he made drastic improvements such as making her learn how to wash her own, get her own water, etc. He stopped doing things for her, which is good.

Forward 4 years, he acknolwedges that there were double standards in the past but doesn't see how there are still double standards now.

Here is a recent example...since we've been on summer break, we have let the kids play x box and Nintendo during the weekdays. We normally only allow it on the weekends. Today, Nala played x box for four hours, which is three hours longer than we normally allow. When I told Nala her time was up, my Ely said, "My turn!" to which my husband said, "Nope, she already played for two hours." I'm, she didn't. Since the x box has been turned on, Nala is the only one who has played for more than 5-10 minutes. He even called Nala in the room and asked her....and Nala said no, I'm the only one who has played. But he still didn't believe it.

If that were Ely....not only would he have stopped her time LONG before 4 hours...but he would have never called her in an asked her opinion...because he would have assumed she was not being honest with him. He always assumes Nala is being honest with him..but in this case, when it works against Nala's interests, he doesn't accuse her of lying, he just doesn't acknowledge what she's saying. When Nala finished her turn, he did not want Ely to have a turn. 

I started to say something. I said, "If it were Jake playing that whole time, and not Nala, would you still be arguing this point?" But the kids were being loud and he didn't hear me so I pretended that I didn't say anything.

It's just that when I do say something, he gets angry and defensive in a way that he does not with the other children. So, I feel like I say something and risk starting a fight or say nothing and allow her to get extra special treatment all the time.

Posted by Anonymous on Jun. 19, 2017 at 5:51 PM
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Replies (1-8):
by Go PREDS! on Jun. 20, 2017 at 8:24 AM
No way would this fly. Stop making your children doormats to keep the piece. They will resent you.
by Anonymous 3 on Jun. 20, 2017 at 8:38 AM
I'd tell him to pick his balls up and parent his kid.
by Sapphire Member on Jun. 20, 2017 at 8:42 AM
I would take him in private and absolutely say something. I would also put something in place to make sure none of the kids hogged the game.
by Anonymous 4 on Jun. 20, 2017 at 8:46 AM
Advocate for your children. Defend your children. Do you really need strangers to tell you this? He sounds abusive and domineering. Run
by Silver Member on Jun. 20, 2017 at 8:48 AM

I would say something to him about it but not in front of the kids. That does need to stop or the children will resent you both.

by Platinum Member on Jun. 20, 2017 at 8:54 AM
Buy a timer for the Xbox and each child gets exactly the same time!
You need to talk to him privately and seriously about all the children in your home.
No one should be above the others!
by Emerald Member on Jun. 20, 2017 at 8:59 AM

nope this wouldn't fly for me. i would have told my child he could play and that would have been the end of that. i would have overruled him in this case.

by Anonymous 5 on Jun. 20, 2017 at 9:03 AM

Okay, so I read the first paragraph and I say bs. Deployments are not year round, they go out and come home. He may have been gone a lot of their lives, but he lived with them. Obviously with their mom for awhile since there are 4 of them.

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