Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

A story.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 10 Replies

My first marriage was a complete mistake.  We were young, didn't know one another very well.  We met in basic training for the Army at roughly 18 and 20, got married at the end of our training so I could go with him to his first duty station.  There were trust issues from the start, he was in Germany for a few months without me, and by the time I got there, I was already finding text messages from other girls, they were coming by his room, etc.  Nothing that he would ever admit to or I could ever prove.  

I wasn't good at taking birth control and we got pregnant early.  Our son had a birth defect and we had to be restationed in the US for his medical care.  We basically lived in the hospital for the first few years until my son received an organ transplant and recovered.  Throughout that time we stayed together out of necessity.  He talked to other women on Facebook (MySpace at the time, I'm old), and paid for live webcam shows on porn sites.  But there was never anything to prove physical cheating so like an idiot I stayed.  When I did leave, I let him talk me into taking him back.  This went on for years.  I was a very loyal person when we met, but after years of being hurt and lied to, I did my own dirt, just texting and flirting, but still wrong.  We were destined to fail and when we both deployed to Afghanistan (different regions) I asked for a divorce beforehand, I knew we wouldn't make it.  He swore we would be okay, but a few months in I heard rumors that he had been caught having sex with a married female.  I connected with her husband (gotta love Facebook) and confirmed it; he was even demoted and moved out of her section.  Of couse his chain of command would not tell mine anything, but once she herself confessed it to me I was finished.  

When we got home we divorced after almost 8 years of a hellish marriage.  He got out of the Army, he knew he wouldn't get promoted with his record.  I stayed in, our son needed the medical coverage.  I wanted 50/50 custody since he was staying in the city we lived in.  He wanted full custody, so we went to court over it.  The judge took his side; he brought his live in girlfriend into the court room who said she provided childcare for my son while my ex was at school during the day.  I on the other hand would have to put him in daycare for before and after school since I worked from 6am to 6pm, sometimes later.  He lied on the stand, telling the judge I had a cold relationship with our son (I held his hand through every medical procedure, slept on couches in his hospital rooms, cleaned his colostomy bag and feeding tube site right along with him, so he was just wrong on all counts there).  He also said his girlfriend's 3 children were older than what they were; I saw one crawling on the floor when I picked up my son.  But the judge gave him full custody, I could only see him 2 evenings during the week and every other weekend.  It broke my heart.  Outside of the courtroom, I called him a liar, told him I knew her kids were much younger and could not believe the things he had said in there about me.  With a smug smile on his face, he said: "It doesn't really matter now, does it?" 

In the months after he tried to control every aspect of my time with our son.  On the days I had visitation, he would show up at his school and take my son's bookbag from him so I couldn't help him with his homework.  He would come to my house in dirty clothes, his medical equipment dirty, etc.  His girlfriend broke up with him and moved out weeks after court, my son told me his aunt from Virginia (who was 16) was babysitting him, not the girlfriend.  I was documenting, getting a case together to take him back to court.  One morning I got a call at work from a police officer who told me I needed to come pick up my son.  I asked if he was okay and he said yes, and then I said where is his father?  He lives with his father.  He told me the boy's father was deceased.  

My ex had a seizure disorder, he started having them when we were stationed in Germany.  It was controlled with medication, but sometimes he didn't take it.  He had a bad one after going to bed, and had passed away during the night.  We had been divorced 7 months.  When I got to his apartment and got my son and his things, I asked one of the police officers who was in the apartment if I could go see him.  He said, no, it wasn't something I wanted to see.  I looked up the stairs where his body was and said, "I guess it doesn't matter now, does it?" 

Posted by Anonymous on Aug. 8, 2017 at 10:31 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
QueenRed
by VolGirlšŸˆ on Aug. 8, 2017 at 10:39 AM
Wow. Thats pitiful. How is your son coping?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 8, 2017 at 10:41 AM

Well. He had some anxiety issues if he saw or heard something that reminded him of his dad, but he is 10 now, it's been 3 years.  He doesn't ask for him or really seem to remember him.  I have taken him to therapists to make sure he is not suppressing anything, they said around the age he is now he would probably start showing some type of emotion over it.  So far, though, nothing.  

Quoting QueenRed: Wow. Thats pitiful. How is your son coping?


mojogirl
by Ouiser Boudreaux on Aug. 8, 2017 at 10:43 AM

that's so sad. but i hope you both are doing well now.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 8, 2017 at 10:46 AM

I'm certainly not glad that he is dead, that is horrible, he was my son's father after all.  But I am remarried now and sometimes I think about what a nightmare he would be making our lives if he were still here.  He had issues, and I'm not sure he would have been the best example for our son to grow up following.  In the short time we were divorced before he died, he was on his second girlfriend and he had my son calling her mom.  

Quoting mojogirl:

that's so sad. but i hope you both are doing well now.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 8, 2017 at 6:35 PM

BUMP!

greywitchoregon
by on Aug. 8, 2017 at 6:39 PM

It sucks but you're now both free.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 8, 2017 at 6:47 PM

I truly believe he is better off with us. I got out of the army, so I am not leaving him all day anymore, and my husband is a great role model for him.  

Quoting greywitchoregon:

It sucks but you're now both free.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 8, 2017 at 6:51 PM

Hoping that your life is pulling back together and you will move forward making wise(r) decisions. Good luck.

my4kids274
by Ruby Member on Aug. 8, 2017 at 6:56 PM

So sad.  I am glad that your son and you are coping and doing better. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 9, 2017 at 2:14 PM

Thank you, I am in a very healthy, loving marriage now.

Quoting Anonymous 2:

Hoping that your life is pulling back together and you will move forward making wise(r) decisions. Good luck.


Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)