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Is it a lie?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 18 Replies
My son's behavior as taken a serious down turn since he has been having visits with his dad.

One thing that happens all the time (and yes I know this is something all kids do sometimes) is that when he doesn't get his way he throws screaming tantrums.

And in the process of the tantrum he will say things like "I NEVER get to play." Or "NOBODY lets me eat cheese."

I have started stopping him in his tracks and saying "we do NOT TELL LIES in this house!" (I do this after every lie, fib, etc?)

My ex says he's not lying he's upset. And leave him alone.

(We handle tantrums by going nose to nose. His nose on mine, and counting until he's calm. In case you were wondering. But sometimes when they are just getting started we get the never/nobody etc. Ex handles tantrums by shouting at him. That's part of why he's an ex and has limited visits.)

I am a bit extra harsh on the lies thing because my ex doesn't seem to think it's bad. And often asks him to lie to me. But I also make sure that he is never yelled at, or made to feel "bad" or "afraid." The way my ex does. So for now a firm correction is what I do. Stern words, no yelling.

My son is in preschool. So older than toddler but under 5.

Thank you!
Posted by Anonymous on Aug. 8, 2017 at 11:38 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 8, 2017 at 11:40 AM
Are you serious?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 8, 2017 at 11:49 AM
Thank you for the bump.

Quoting Anonymous 2: Are you serious?
mojogirl
by Ouiser Boudreaux on Aug. 8, 2017 at 12:16 PM

not sure what to tell you. sounds like you have a very very long road of ineffective co-parenting with your ex ahead of you.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 8, 2017 at 12:23 PM
I agree. But I don't think I should just do things his way to keep the peace.

Quoting mojogirl:

not sure what to tell you. sounds like you have a very very long road of ineffective co-parenting with your ex ahead of you.

dawnrothbaum
by Gold Member on Aug. 8, 2017 at 12:28 PM
1 mom liked this
If he's upset I would consider it an exaggeration as opposed to a lie. Lying about cheese? Come on. He is trying to express himself and he is frustrated.
Yelling at him is ineffective. And going "nose to nose" seems aggressive. Do you force him to stare at your eyes?
CheerioHolder
by Ruby Member on Aug. 8, 2017 at 12:36 PM
1 mom liked this
I think he is exaggerating because he's upset. Which may be something he is learning from you, as it seems you blow things out of proportion as well.

"No one let's me have cheese" is a normal way for a preschooler to express their feelings though. It's not a punishable offense. A better way to handle it would be to respond with "I understand you're disappointed you didn't get cheese this time." followed by calm redirection as to what you'd like him to do.

It sort of comes accross as if you're punishig your child for his father's actions. You're angry that your ex encourages lying, so you punish for all "lies" even when it's really just your child trying to express himself. Punishing will be ineffective, he needs help learning to cope with disappointment and how to communicate his feelings in a positive way.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 8, 2017 at 12:40 PM
No. I do not MAKE him look me in the eye.

And that's ridiculous that you would when A. Say I was yelling at him about anything at all. Or B. I'm being aggressive with the nose to nose thing.

Jump to conclusions much?

He puts his nose on my nose as a way to keep his attention. I hold him, like a hug don't get any crazy ideas that he's pinned down.

And we count to 10.

Sometimes then we count back down to 1.

It helps calm him.

Sometimes he ASKS to "count" if he knows he's tired and can feel himself getting worked up.

Quoting dawnrothbaum: If he's upset I would consider it an exaggeration as opposed to a lie. Lying about cheese? Come on. He is trying to express himself and he is frustrated.
Yelling at him is ineffective. And going "nose to nose" seems aggressive. Do you force him to stare at your eyes?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 8, 2017 at 12:41 PM
How is correction considered punishment?

Quoting CheerioHolder: I think he is exaggerating because he's upset. Which may be something he is learning from you, as it seems you blow things out of proportion as well.

"No one let's me have cheese" is a normal way for a preschooler to express their feelings though. It's not a punishable offense. A better way to handle it would be to respond with "I understand you're disappointed you didn't get cheese this time." followed by calm redirection as to what you'd like him to do.

It sort of comes accross as if you're punishig your child for his father's actions. You're angry that your ex encourages lying, so you punish for all "lies" even when it's really just your child trying to express himself. Punishing will be ineffective, he needs help learning to cope with disappointment and how to communicate his feelings in a positive way.
TinkTink205
by Gold Member on Aug. 8, 2017 at 12:49 PM
Yup. We just ignore ta tantrums in this house. That behavior is discouraged. It works because after a few tantrums, they realize they're not effective. The "lies" are a surefire way to get negative attention and it seems to be working for him.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Aug. 8, 2017 at 12:51 PM

So you hate your ex?  Because this post is all about your ex and his failures

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