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MIL advice

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 40 Replies
I love my MIL. She's generally a wonderful person. I grew up with a terrible mom so I appreciate her.

We have an issue though. For ten years we lived in the same small town as her and she kind of flaked a lot with helping out with my four kids. She was great with them when she showed but generally we had a hard time getting her to be with them. It always seemed like she wanted to but just had other things keeping her busy.

Anyway, a year ago we moved about ten hours away. Since then we've been to visit once for Easter but wanted to go last thanksgiving. We told her that but she later said she and FIL were going to see my sister in law several states away.

She hasn't visited once even though it's a one day drive. She sees my sister in law and her younger kids every other month. I understand her being close with her daughter, I really do. I also know that SIL helps pay for her flight. They have more money and half as many kids and we just can't afford it.

MIL also has sent nothing for birthdays for my kids but flies out for all SIL's kids bdays.

Ugh...anyway, on the one hand I think I'm being too jealous and MIL is in her 60's, I don't want to start anything. At the same time, I know my kids miss her and wish they had more contact.

What's the reasonable thing to do? Am I too jealous? Help!!

ETA I didn't mean to phrase it like I expected mil to take my kids off my hands. Some help would have been nice but mostly I just wanted her to spend some one on one time with the kids when we lived close and it just wasn't a priority. I mean she was retired half of the time we lived there so she was busy with other things by choice. Which is her prerogative. I just know my kids were so happy when they did see her so I wish she had been around more. She sees SIL more now than she saw my kids when we lived there. I know I am probably being petty. Ugh!
Posted by Anonymous on Aug. 13, 2017 at 3:18 AM
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Replies (1-10):
AnotherKim
by Platinum Member on Aug. 13, 2017 at 3:23 AM

I wouldn't start anything. I'd just conviently start forgetting her birthday. I'm passive/aggressive like that. Actually, if you're close, I'd just bring it up. Tell her honestly that you're hurt that she doesn't visit and send the kids cards. See what she says.

Ted1242
by I'm listening. on Aug. 13, 2017 at 3:24 AM
Maybe she didn't like being expected to help with your four kids.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 13, 2017 at 3:25 AM
She is super conflict avoiding so I try not to upset but I think You're right. Part of me feels like we don't have a right to bring it up since SIL can afford to fly her out. It's weird guilt lol.

Quoting AnotherKim:

I wouldn't start anything. I'd just conviently start forgetting her birthday. I'm passive/aggressive like that. Actually, if you're close, I'd just bring it up. Tell her honestly that you're hurt that she doesn't visit and send the kids cards. See what she says.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 13, 2017 at 3:26 AM
I never expected help although I might have wrote that. Just wanted her to spend time with them more, one at a time of course. When she did they both seemed so happy. She was super upset when we had to move away.

Quoting Ted1242: Maybe she didn't like being expected to help with your four kids.
Ted1242
by I'm listening. on Aug. 13, 2017 at 3:28 AM
I'd just be honest with her then.

Quoting Anonymous 1: I never expected help although I might have wrote that. Just wanted her to spend time with them more, one at a time of course. When she did they both seemed so happy. She was super upset when we had to move away.

Quoting Ted1242: Maybe she didn't like being expected to help with your four kids.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 13, 2017 at 3:29 AM
You're right. I just hate making anyone feel bad. But I know the kids need more.

Quoting Ted1242: I'd just be honest with her then.

Quoting Anonymous 1: I never expected help although I might have wrote that. Just wanted her to spend time with them more, one at a time of course. When she did they both seemed so happy. She was super upset when we had to move away.

Quoting Ted1242: Maybe she didn't like being expected to help with your four kids.
thenameshailie
by Emerald Member on Aug. 13, 2017 at 3:30 AM
You've listed all of the reasons why in your post. She was busy, she lives a day away, her daughter pays for her to visit them. Have to tried to Skype with her and your kids? Save money to bring her to you.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 13, 2017 at 3:34 AM
I could try that. She's bad with technology but we could try. Just not sending even a card for the kids bdays or calling ever is frustrating. That's part of what makes it feel like it's one sided.

But I also have my own issues mom-wise. So I think making more of an effort might at least help me understand things better.

Quoting thenameshailie: You've listed all of the reasons why in your post. She was busy, she lives a day away, her daughter pays for her to visit them. Have to tried to Skype with her and your kids? Save money to bring her to you.
AnotherKim
by Platinum Member on Aug. 13, 2017 at 3:41 AM

Oh. Well, there you have it. If SIL is flying her out, then that's a different story.

My MIL and I used to be very close. She sided with my husband's ex over something stupid, and things haven't been the same. We're not rude to each other. We just don't talk or get together like we used to. I kind of miss it.  

Quoting Anonymous 1: She is super conflict avoiding so I try not to upset but I think You're right. Part of me feels like we don't have a right to bring it up since SIL can afford to fly her out. It's weird guilt lol.
Quoting AnotherKim:

I wouldn't start anything. I'd just conviently start forgetting her birthday. I'm passive/aggressive like that. Actually, if you're close, I'd just bring it up. Tell her honestly that you're hurt that she doesn't visit and send the kids cards. See what she says.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 13, 2017 at 4:01 AM
Oh well that's her loss if she doesn't want to be in their lives. Someday she's going to regret it. Just watch.
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