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I told him that if he goes and helps his mom I'm filing for divorce

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 503 Replies
My husband's mother was diagnosed with cancer. She thought she would be able to continue living alone and just take advantage of the rides to and from chemotherapy that her insurance company pays for but it is proving to be too much for her. Obviously I have no problem with her moving in with us. She lives out of state but there is a great oncology place close to us. she said that she doesn't want to move. She's afraid she's going to die and never go home again. She also feels that her church and friends are such support system for her that she doesn't want to leave them. But this wonderful support system doesn't help her which is why she needs us in the first place so I don't really understand it. Anyway my husband came to me with a plan. He said that we are all just going to have to move to her. But she lives out of state 8 hours away. My oldest child is from a previous relationship. His dad sees him one weekend a month and I'm not going to take my son away from his father. Even if I was willing to fight this battle in court I would be very unlikely to win. When I told him that, my husband suggested maybe letting my ex take custody of my son temporarily. No I am not giving up seeing my son on a day-to-day basis so I can go take care of his mother. We got into an argument about it with him saying that my son would be fine with his dad and his mom is the one who really needs help right now. I told him that my priority is not my husband's mother it is my children. I offered to open my home up to his mom, she doesn't want to take us up on that offer so she obviously doesn't need the help that badly. A little while later my husband came to me with a new plan saying that he would move alone with her as long as she needed. I asked about work and he said that he would try to get a job there but it would only be able to be part time because he would be so focused on taking care of his mom. I asked him how he's going to pay things like his car payment car insurance gas and plane tickets or the gas to get back and forth to come see us, let alone help with the household bills. he told me that for the time being he will probably have to take more out of the account then he's putting in. I said so basically you're going to leave me responsible for the two kids we have together plus my son plus all of the household bills and then on top of that you're going to be taking some of my paycheck when money is already going to be tight because you're not bringing in much of a paycheck anymore? I told him absolutely not. I'm looking for a marriage and a partnership not my husband pulling me and the kids down with him because of his bad decisions. I told him I'm willing to help his mom by letting her move in with us but that is it. If she needs help that badly she will take us up on it. Until then if he wants to move in with his mom I will be filing for divorce. Which means he's going to have to get a full-time job, pay child support and take care of his mom.

He hasn't talked to me since last night. I understand he's angry with me but what he was expecting was completely ridiculous. We are not going to turn our lives upside down for a woman who is demanding we help her in a specific way. Like I said if she needs help she'll take us up on our offer. Or maybe she can stay where she is and her great support system that she can't possibly leave will help her
Posted by Anonymous on Aug. 17, 2017 at 9:10 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 17, 2017 at 9:13 AM
3 moms liked this

my  EX did the same thing...hence, now EX...

mojogirl
by Ouiser Boudreaux on Aug. 17, 2017 at 9:13 AM
11 moms liked this

i feel like i've read this before. i hate recycled posts.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 17, 2017 at 9:14 AM
7 moms liked this

with the aging boomers, this is becoming a problem more and more, because people don't have a plan

Quoting mojogirl:

i feel like i've read this before. i hate recycled posts.


mama_danetta
by She's so heavy on Aug. 17, 2017 at 9:15 AM
5 moms liked this
But it's faaamily.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Aug. 17, 2017 at 9:17 AM
2 moms liked this
She can't get a nurse or something to stay with her for a while? Your husband can't put in some over time and help by providing her one?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Aug. 17, 2017 at 9:18 AM
24 moms liked this

Life presents us with challenges to ourselves and our marriages. Why not try to figure out with your DH how to help his sick mom?
It cant be ALL or nothing. There is grey area.

Just giving up on your marriage for him needing to temporarily help his mom seems short sighted.

The fact that divorce is your snswer I think is dismissive and youre looking for a way out.

Hell, Id live apart S-Th from my DH and on Fridays afterschool drive to visit. He could arrange to come home (having church/friends step in for short times). You could meet 1/2 way.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Aug. 17, 2017 at 9:28 AM
5 moms liked this
I dont blame you what he wants to do is unacceptable
Maime13
by Platinum Member on Aug. 17, 2017 at 9:29 AM
6 moms liked this

Ha!

Right? You are supposed to do anything and everything for family.  At least according the CM.

Except for the part where it hurts you or other members of the family. 

This is a pretty simple many vs one. What is the benefit to many is to have the MIL move in with the family. That the DH isn't willing or able to set boundaries with the Mom is indicative of a bigger issue. I can't believe it hasn't been a problem in the past, pre-cancer.

Quoting mama_danetta: But it's faaamily.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Aug. 17, 2017 at 9:29 AM
8 moms liked this
There is another alternative his mom didn't want it. I would do the same thing as op.

Quoting Anonymous 5:
Life presents us with challenges to ourselves and our marriages. Why not try to figure out with your DH how to help his sick mom?
It cant be ALL or nothing. There is grey area.

Just giving up on your marriage for him needing to temporarily help his mom seems short sighted.

The fact that divorce is your snswer I think is dismissive and youre looking for a way out.

Hell, Id live apart S-Th from my DH and on Fridays afterschool drive to visit. He could arrange to come home (having church/friends step in for short times). You could meet 1/2 way.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 17, 2017 at 9:31 AM
4 moms liked this

and giving away custody of HER son isn't the answer either, nor should SHE have to soak up the entire financial responsiblity becauser MIL is stubborn, and apparently so is her DH - gee wonder where he got it?   

Quoting Anonymous 5: Life presents us with challenges to ourselves and our marriages. Why not try to figure out with your DH how to help his sick mom? It cant be ALL or nothing. There is grey area. Just giving up on your marriage for him needing to temporarily help his mom seems short sighted. The fact that divorce is your snswer I think is dismissive and youre looking for a way out. Hell, Id live apart S-Th from my DH and on Fridays afterschool drive to visit. He could arrange to come home (having church/friends step in for short times). You could meet 1/2 way.


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