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She's leaving me no choice but to cut her out

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 30 Replies
My first husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer when I was 19 weeks pregnant with our first child. He died when I was 30 weeks along. Despite having only such a short time between his diagnosis and his death, he made his wishes very clear, and his biggest concern was our child. He did not want our child to only have a dead father, and he told me that after I grieved for him, he wanted me to find another man, get married, be happy, and for that man to adopt our child, and be a real father, in every way, to our son. At the time, I never imagined that I'd find another man to love that way, but I have, and we got married 4 months ago. My son is now 5. He's already started to call my husband dad, it's not very frequent, he's just testing it out, but he loves dh, and dh loves him. We've now started the process for him to adopt ds, and to change his last name so that our names match (something my first husband wanted, as he did not want our child to have a different last name than me, or any other children I might have).

The problem is my first husband's mother. She does not want the adoption or name change to take place, she does not want ds calling my husband dad. I do understand where she is coming from, but I've explained to her, many times, what my first husband wanted, and she knows that he is very much a part of our lives still. DS knows all about his dad in heaven, he has pictures of him in his room, he can look through our wedding album any time. My first husband's mother has always been a big part of my life and ds's life, but I don't know if I can continue to deal with her constant negativity and down right hate towards my husband, towards me, probably towards any more children I have, and worst of all, the things she says, or has tried to say, to my son, about how he's a bad boy for calling my husband dad, how his real dad is hurting and sad. I've talked to her, emailed her, told her what her son wanted, and it does no good. I don't want to keep her out of my son's life, but I think I don't have any other option at this point.
Posted by Anonymous on Aug. 21, 2017 at 6:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
heart_n_soul
by Trinity on Aug. 21, 2017 at 6:19 PM

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this situation. I don't blame you, I think it sounds like you really need to keep her away for you and your child. 

RaynesMommy07
by Ruby Member on Aug. 21, 2017 at 6:20 PM
Your DH can be his "dad" without all the changing his name and adoption. Your son is all she has left of her son why taint that.
paigea
by on Aug. 21, 2017 at 6:22 PM

I am sorry for your loss.  I am more in the position of your former mother in law.  While I understand my late niece's husband will move on and remarry some day, and my great nephew will likely see that new woman as his mother, it is still sad and hard.  I would never say anything to them no matter how they go about it.

If he calls another woman mom, I will accept that and so should your mother in law.

Though your late husband was specific that he wanted your son to change his name, I think you could still honour his wishes without changing your son's name.

oryxx31
by Captain Cook on Aug. 21, 2017 at 6:22 PM
She'd have been done with me the first time she told a five year old he was a bad boy for calling the only father figure he knows in real life dad.
I guess at this point I'd tell her to give me a call when she was ready to respect her son's dying wishes.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 21, 2017 at 6:23 PM
What grandma wants doesn't matter. He will still be her grandson. It us what his dad wanted and my his mom wants and what his step dad wants

Quoting RaynesMommy07: Your DH can be his "dad" without all the changing his name and adoption. Your son is all she has left of her son why taint that.
Talkingheads
by Ruby Member on Aug. 21, 2017 at 6:23 PM
1 mom liked this
Op's child is not a replacement for her dead son. Mil is causing all sorts of mental anguish to this innocent child. Mil is the one tainting a family's relationship by mentally abusing a small child. She needs to go

Quoting RaynesMommy07: Your DH can be his "dad" without all the changing his name and adoption. Your son is all she has left of her son why taint that.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Aug. 21, 2017 at 6:25 PM
Because it was his dying wish. She doesn't need to like it, but she needs to respect it.

Quoting RaynesMommy07: Your DH can be his "dad" without all the changing his name and adoption. Your son is all she has left of her son why taint that.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 21, 2017 at 6:25 PM
Because it isn't about her, it's about my son, and honoring my first husband's wishes. The only one tainting anything is her.

Quoting RaynesMommy07: Your DH can be his "dad" without all the changing his name and adoption. Your son is all she has left of her son why taint that.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 21, 2017 at 6:27 PM
Thank you.

Changing his name is something I've thought long and hard about, and want to do, not just because for my late husband, but for my son and for me. I want us to all have the same last name, and I don't ever want my son to feel left out because his siblings will have a different last name.

He has no middle name, so I'm not actually changing his name, just adding a new last name, and my late husband's last name will be his middle name. His first name is a variation of my late husband's first name.

Quoting paigea:

I am sorry for your loss.  I am more in the position of your former mother in law.  While I understand my late niece's husband will move on and remarry some day, and my great nephew will likely see that new woman as his mother, it is still sad and hard.  I would never say anything to them no matter how they go about it.

If he calls another woman mom, I will accept that and so should your mother in law.

Though your late husband was specific that he wanted your son to change his name, I think you could still honour his wishes without changing your son's name.

onethentwins
by Ruby Member on Aug. 21, 2017 at 6:28 PM

I don't blame her for being upset about the adoption, I would be too. But the part where she's making her grandson feel bad about it is wrong. I hope she comes around and your son doesn't have to lose his grandmother as well as his father. 

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