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I think it would help BM a lot but she doesn't see it that way.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 40 Replies
This may be long. I just want to get every detail to avoid repeating myself if there are questions. :) and it's really a vent, but if anyone has helpful suggestions (let's read that again, but slower: h e l p f u l), feel free to leave them!

Backstory: I met DH when his son had just turned 2. DSS will be 5 next month. BM stayed home with DSS when she and DH lived together, and she's never worked or finished any school. I believe she has a GED.
DH got custody of DSS (at this point DSS is 3yo) in Feb. 2016, and BM got every other weekend. That's the only thing in their situation that's court ordered- DH didn't go for child support because he knew she wouldn't work and it would be pointless. She would try to give him money when she could, but he told her just to take it to the daycare and help out what she could with that.
About 6 months into DH having DSS, he started acting horrible at daycare. He'd throw things, have tantrums, etc. DH was in denial about DSS having any mental issues, but I finally encouraged him to have him evaluated (he also had horrible anger issues and was very tedious about certain things, he doesn't like affection, and doesn't like playing with other kids, etc). This was about September or October 2016.. so a year ago. They told DH that DSS was definitely a form of autistic, and I *think* they said Asbergers but they don't diagnose that anymore- it's just kind of an "umbrella" diagnosis now. They prescribed him Riddlin. It worked for him until about noon, so DH would send him to daycare with another one to take again at lunch time. That only worked for about March of this year.
March 2017: DSS was kicked out of daycare for his violence. DH's job required him to go to work for a week at a time, 3 hours away (At this point, DH is not my husband yet, just my fiancé). With no daycare for DSS, and DH having to be gone for a straight week, DH let BM keep DSS as long as she'd start him in Kindergarten in August because she told him he could start in her state (he can't start here until Aug. 2018 because of his October birthday).

Here's where we're at now:

DH and I got married in May and I moved in. We're expecting our first baby in February. We get DSS every other weekend. DH gives BM money when we pick DSS up, for groceries or whatever he needs. BM was "misinformed" and DSS can't start Kindergarten there until next year, too. Last month, DH asked her if she wanted him to take DSS back, but BM went into a crying spell about how everyone already thinks she's a bad mom because she doesn't have her other kids and said that her boyfriend won't give her money to give to DH, so she's just going to keep DSS. DH didn't like it, but he was giving her the benefit of the doubt.

A week ago, BM texted DH that he needs to start giving her more money because she was going to start paying someone to watch DSS while she goes to classes and tries to find a job. DH didn't believe that for a second, so he asked her who would be watching DSS, how much she's paying them, and to send her proof of when her classes start. She blew up at him and told her how she's been taking care of DSS, how she paid him when he had DSS, etc. She said she was going to pay her boyfriends daughter to watch him- but she's 14. So she has school and we can't figure out how she'll be the one watching him, and BM absolutely would not send DH proof about classes.

So DH and I talked about it and I told him that since I'll be staying home once our baby is born, I'll keep DSS and then he won't have to worry about daycare. DSS will have structure and stability (honestly that's something he's never had- that's both BM and DH's fault) and I'll work with him regarding his anger and behavior issues to the best of my ability. Plus, he'll start Kindergarten in August next year, so I'll really only have him home by myself from Feb-May because my DD will be out for the summer with us. He's not a bad kid, DH just ignored for too long his "issues" and BM let's him do whatever, whenever, as long as he's quiet and out of her hair.

DH is going to tell BM to send DSS back, but we know it's going to be a shit storm. He's going to tell her not to worry about giving him money at first, and hope that makes for a smooth transition. Plus, if she really IS trying to go to school and find a job, it would help her out a lot if we kept DSS so she can focus on that. She's going to see it as us taking him and trying to make her look bad though. It's going to be nuts.
Posted by Anonymous on Sep. 13, 2017 at 12:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 13, 2017 at 12:13 PM
2 moms liked this

If dh had legal custody of ds and just physically gave bm the child without having anything written up in court documents, Dh is going to have a very hard time of getting the child back from her

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Sep. 13, 2017 at 12:18 PM
Honestly a child with aspergers around a newborn is going to be very difficult for you, especially sense he hasn't been around you as much for awhile now. I'm not saying it to be mean, and I know you're saying this to try to do what's best for ss, but idk if it would really be in his best interests. Do you have any sn training? Can you take him to therapy appts with a newborn? I just don't want you to set yourself up to fail.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 13, 2017 at 12:20 PM
Nah. She won't take him to court, she can't afford it, and she doesn't care that much. Plus, they gave DSS to DH because he's the more fit parent for a reason. DH was the one to start the legal process in the beginning anyway. It will only be difficult because she's going to be stubborn about it.

Quoting Anonymous 2:

If dh had legal custody of ds and just physically gave bm the child without having anything written up in court documents, Dh is going to have a very hard time of getting the child back from her

JalynSpoon
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by CajunTarHeel on Sep. 13, 2017 at 12:22 PM

Don't get why he didn't get full custody.. Ugh.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 13, 2017 at 12:22 PM
Thank you! He's actually been better behavioral-wise. I was concerned about having my newborn as well, but he's kind of grown out of the violent stuff. Though that could be just because I don't see him as often as I did when DH had him.. idk. I just think it would be better for him in the long run. BM doesn't give him his medicine or take him to any appointments. He hasn't had one since DH had him.

Quoting Anonymous 3: Honestly a child with aspergers around a newborn is going to be very difficult for you, especially sense he hasn't been around you as much for awhile now. I'm not saying it to be mean, and I know you're saying this to try to do what's best for ss, but idk if it would really be in his best interests. Do you have any sn training? Can you take him to therapy appts with a newborn? I just don't want you to set yourself up to fail.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 13, 2017 at 12:23 PM

She could try and say he abandoned ds . I think ds should be with you guys but she may try and make it difficult to get him back

Quoting Anonymous 1: Nah. She won't take him to court, she can't afford it, and she doesn't care that much. Plus, they gave DSS to DH because he's the more fit parent for a reason. DH was the one to start the legal process in the beginning anyway. It will only be difficult because she's going to be stubborn about it.
Quoting Anonymous 2:

If dh had legal custody of ds and just physically gave bm the child without having anything written up in court documents, Dh is going to have a very hard time of getting the child back from her


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 13, 2017 at 12:27 PM
Yeah she might, but trust me. The courts won't favor her over DH. We live in a southern state where it's RARE that they award custody to dads. It's so dumb. With her track record and everything.. he's kicked himself over and over again for letting DSS stay with her.

Quoting Anonymous 2:

She could try and say he abandoned ds . I think ds should be with you guys but she may try and make it difficult to get him back

Quoting Anonymous 1: Nah. She won't take him to court, she can't afford it, and she doesn't care that much. Plus, they gave DSS to DH because he's the more fit parent for a reason. DH was the one to start the legal process in the beginning anyway. It will only be difficult because she's going to be stubborn about it.

Quoting Anonymous 2:

If dh had legal custody of ds and just physically gave bm the child without having anything written up in court documents, Dh is going to have a very hard time of getting the child back from her

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 13, 2017 at 12:30 PM

When he is going to go get the child? The sooner the better

Quoting Anonymous 1: Yeah she might, but trust me. The courts won't favor her over DH. We live in a southern state where it's RARE that they award custody to dads. It's so dumb. With her track record and everything.. he's kicked himself over and over again for letting DSS stay with her.
Quoting Anonymous 2:

She could try and say he abandoned ds . I think ds should be with you guys but she may try and make it difficult to get him back

Quoting Anonymous 1: Nah. She won't take him to court, she can't afford it, and she doesn't care that much. Plus, they gave DSS to DH because he's the more fit parent for a reason. DH was the one to start the legal process in the beginning anyway. It will only be difficult because she's going to be stubborn about it.
Quoting Anonymous 2:

If dh had legal custody of ds and just physically gave bm the child without having anything written up in court documents, Dh is going to have a very hard time of getting the child back from her


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 13, 2017 at 12:32 PM
My pregnancy is high risk, so as soon as my doctor tells me I need to stay off of my feet (my job requires me to be on my feet all day), then I'm going to start staying home. I have an appointment next week and will ask her when would be a good time for that. I love my job and want to work as long as I can.. but it will most likely be before Christmas.

Quoting Anonymous 2:

When he is going to go get the child? The sooner the better

Quoting Anonymous 1: Yeah she might, but trust me. The courts won't favor her over DH. We live in a southern state where it's RARE that they award custody to dads. It's so dumb. With her track record and everything.. he's kicked himself over and over again for letting DSS stay with her.

Quoting Anonymous 2:

She could try and say he abandoned ds . I think ds should be with you guys but she may try and make it difficult to get him back

Quoting Anonymous 1: Nah. She won't take him to court, she can't afford it, and she doesn't care that much. Plus, they gave DSS to DH because he's the more fit parent for a reason. DH was the one to start the legal process in the beginning anyway. It will only be difficult because she's going to be stubborn about it.

Quoting Anonymous 2:

If dh had legal custody of ds and just physically gave bm the child without having anything written up in court documents, Dh is going to have a very hard time of getting the child back from her

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 13, 2017 at 12:35 PM
I think he just feels bad for her honestly. DSS is really all she has had a chance with. Her first born was taken at a year old and lives with her aunt and is 11 now, and her second is adopted by her sister and doesn't know that BM is his mom.

Quoting JalynSpoon:

Don't get why he didn't get full custody.. Ugh.

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