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I think it would help BM a lot but she doesn't see it that way.

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
This may be long. I just want to get every detail to avoid repeating myself if there are questions. :) and it's really a vent, but if anyone has helpful suggestions (let's read that again, but slower: h e l p f u l), feel free to leave them!

Backstory: I met DH when his son had just turned 2. DSS will be 5 next month. BM stayed home with DSS when she and DH lived together, and she's never worked or finished any school. I believe she has a GED.
DH got custody of DSS (at this point DSS is 3yo) in Feb. 2016, and BM got every other weekend. That's the only thing in their situation that's court ordered- DH didn't go for child support because he knew she wouldn't work and it would be pointless. She would try to give him money when she could, but he told her just to take it to the daycare and help out what she could with that.
About 6 months into DH having DSS, he started acting horrible at daycare. He'd throw things, have tantrums, etc. DH was in denial about DSS having any mental issues, but I finally encouraged him to have him evaluated (he also had horrible anger issues and was very tedious about certain things, he doesn't like affection, and doesn't like playing with other kids, etc). This was about September or October 2016.. so a year ago. They told DH that DSS was definitely a form of autistic, and I *think* they said Asbergers but they don't diagnose that anymore- it's just kind of an "umbrella" diagnosis now. They prescribed him Riddlin. It worked for him until about noon, so DH would send him to daycare with another one to take again at lunch time. That only worked for about March of this year.
March 2017: DSS was kicked out of daycare for his violence. DH's job required him to go to work for a week at a time, 3 hours away (At this point, DH is not my husband yet, just my fiancΓ©). With no daycare for DSS, and DH having to be gone for a straight week, DH let BM keep DSS as long as she'd start him in Kindergarten in August because she told him he could start in her state (he can't start here until Aug. 2018 because of his October birthday).

Here's where we're at now:

DH and I got married in May and I moved in. We're expecting our first baby in February. We get DSS every other weekend. DH gives BM money when we pick DSS up, for groceries or whatever he needs. BM was "misinformed" and DSS can't start Kindergarten there until next year, too. Last month, DH asked her if she wanted him to take DSS back, but BM went into a crying spell about how everyone already thinks she's a bad mom because she doesn't have her other kids and said that her boyfriend won't give her money to give to DH, so she's just going to keep DSS. DH didn't like it, but he was giving her the benefit of the doubt.

A week ago, BM texted DH that he needs to start giving her more money because she was going to start paying someone to watch DSS while she goes to classes and tries to find a job. DH didn't believe that for a second, so he asked her who would be watching DSS, how much she's paying them, and to send her proof of when her classes start. She blew up at him and told her how she's been taking care of DSS, how she paid him when he had DSS, etc. She said she was going to pay her boyfriends daughter to watch him- but she's 14. So she has school and we can't figure out how she'll be the one watching him, and BM absolutely would not send DH proof about classes.

So DH and I talked about it and I told him that since I'll be staying home once our baby is born, I'll keep DSS and then he won't have to worry about daycare. DSS will have structure and stability (honestly that's something he's never had- that's both BM and DH's fault) and I'll work with him regarding his anger and behavior issues to the best of my ability. Plus, he'll start Kindergarten in August next year, so I'll really only have him home by myself from Feb-May because my DD will be out for the summer with us. He's not a bad kid, DH just ignored for too long his "issues" and BM let's him do whatever, whenever, as long as he's quiet and out of her hair.

DH is going to tell BM to send DSS back, but we know it's going to be a shit storm. He's going to tell her not to worry about giving him money at first, and hope that makes for a smooth transition. Plus, if she really IS trying to go to school and find a job, it would help her out a lot if we kept DSS so she can focus on that. She's going to see it as us taking him and trying to make her look bad though. It's going to be nuts.
Posted by Anonymous on Sep. 13, 2017 at 12:08 PM
Replies (31-40):
anononononon
by Gold Member on Sep. 13, 2017 at 1:47 PM
Behavioral therapy would definitely help, I would get a second opinion. Who prescribed the meds? Was it a family Dr or psychiatrist?

Quoting Anonymous 1: Yep! It's insane. I think he just needs stability and structure and he'll be a lot better off. I definitely want to get him into appointments myself though.

Quoting anononononon: They prescribed a 4 year old ritalin?! My ds is 6 and his psych and therapist won't even give him an ADHD diagnosis let alone drugs yet. He's only taking melatonin and it doesn't do anything at all, it doesn't even help him sleep.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 13, 2017 at 1:52 PM
Yeah I would start with the second opinion and go from there. That's what I planned on. Kind of "starting over".

Quoting anononononon: Behavioral therapy would definitely help, I would get a second opinion. Who prescribed the meds? Was it a family Dr or psychiatrist?

Quoting Anonymous 1: Yep! It's insane. I think he just needs stability and structure and he'll be a lot better off. I definitely want to get him into appointments myself though.

Quoting anononononon: They prescribed a 4 year old ritalin?! My ds is 6 and his psych and therapist won't even give him an ADHD diagnosis let alone drugs yet. He's only taking melatonin and it doesn't do anything at all, it doesn't even help him sleep.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 8 on Sep. 13, 2017 at 1:52 PM

Man, what did you get yourself into???  The BM already lost custody of her other kids.  That's a big red flag.  Then you took up with a man who had his head in the sand about his son's mental issues.  Recipe for disaster when the new baby arrives.  You're not going to have the time or energy to deal with SS's issues because you'll be too tied up with the new baby.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 9 on Sep. 13, 2017 at 1:54 PM

Will you be taking ss to appts and therapy to get things under control? You should also look into public preschool through your school district. Once a kid turns 3 the school district takes over the education piece and can help you out there. Get him an evaluation and IEP before starting kindergarten will help him so much.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 10 on Sep. 13, 2017 at 2:00 PM
Lol, he gave up custody. That doesn't change because his wife suddenly thinks it'll be convenient to have him. She should go file for child support and primary custody while she still has him. It's also not your business to decide what's best for him. No one cares about your opinion your opinion is irrelevant.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 13, 2017 at 2:08 PM
This baby won't be my first rodeo. I'm pretty confident about it.

Quoting Anonymous 8:

Man, what did you get yourself into???  The BM already lost custody of her other kids.  That's a big red flag.  Then you took up with a man who had his head in the sand about his son's mental issues.  Recipe for disaster when the new baby arrives.  You're not going to have the time or energy to deal with SS's issues because you'll be too tied up with the new baby.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 13, 2017 at 2:09 PM
Who hurt you? πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Quoting Anonymous 10: Lol, he gave up custody. That doesn't change because his wife suddenly thinks it'll be convenient to have him. She should go file for child support and primary custody while she still has him. It's also not your business to decide what's best for him. No one cares about your opinion your opinion is irrelevant.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 13, 2017 at 2:13 PM
Thank you! Yes I plan on taking him to whatever he needs.

Quoting Anonymous 9:

Will you be taking ss to appts and therapy to get things under control? You should also look into public preschool through your school district. Once a kid turns 3 the school district takes over the education piece and can help you out there. Get him an evaluation and IEP before starting kindergarten will help him so much.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 11 on Sep. 13, 2017 at 4:06 PM

Bm was crying because everyone already thinks she's a bad mom for not having her other kids.


Look there's reason why she doesn't have custody of any of her kids. Your dh needs to man up and follow the custody order and get his son back.

Bm is obviosly not thinking about the child's best interest.

jesusismyfriend
by Love All on Sep. 13, 2017 at 4:11 PM


Quoting Anonymous 9:

Will you be taking ss to appts and therapy to get things under control? You should also look into public preschool through your school district. Once a kid turns 3 the school district takes over the education piece and can help you out there. Get him an evaluation and IEP before starting kindergarten will help him so much.

This. Get him into an intermediate unit. Head start can usually point you to one. They will establish an IEP for him and when he approaches regular school they will help set up an IEP with the school.

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