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Wondering what to do

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 35 Replies
Very long sorry. Mainly trying to get it all out since I don't have anyone else to talk to.

Background: met my ex-bf while ex hub and I were separated 11 1/2 yrs ago. Ex hub and I both thought the marriage was over for good so we were seeing others while waiting for divorce to be final. Ex-BF seemed like a good guy. Single dad of a 12 year old, we all got along well. He was good to my ODD and SD and we fell hard and fast. After a year or so, things turned out to be not so good. He had been injured prior to us meeting and used the pain to excuse his laziness and lack of parenting his son. I moved out and during family counseling with ex hub we decided to give things another chance and eventually reconciled. After the reconciliation, I found out I was pregnant. I know it was ex-bf's baby because ex hub and I decided not to have sex right away while we worked on everything else. I tried to include ex-bf during the pregnancy, but his laziness and procrastination just got worse. He wanted to be at the birth, but the night I went into labor his new girlfriend supposedly turned his phone off and he didn't get the messages until the next night after YDD was born. I gave birth alone because ex hub was with ODD and SD and I was still hoping that ex-bf would get the message and show up.

Ex-BF finally called about 15 hours after YDD was born and said he would come see her the next day. He showed up the next day and stayed about 10 minutes before he said he had to go. After YDD was born, ex-bf said that he wanted to help raise his DD and promised to be there. He only saw her in the hospital that one time. After we got home from the hospital, it took him almost a week to come see her again. Ex hub backed away a bit so that ex-bf could spend as much time as he wanted with YDD as well as his son. Ex-bf realized that he couldn't take care of YDD like she deserved because of his situation with being a single dad on a fixed income and his injury as well as his PTSD from the military affecting his life.

Ex-hub and I decided to move and ex-bf was fine with it as long as I kept him informed of how YDD was doing and provide pictures. He agreed to allow ex hub to raise YDD as his own since he wanted her to have a stable life with her sisters. For years we talked and sent pictures back and forth and he was informed of how all the kids were doing. We were able to stay friends, even though we still loved each other, we all agreed that we were doing what was best for the kids. His son ended up in jail and ex-bf ended up in the same city my family was in. I encouraged him to go back to school and the girls knew him as uncle since that was what SD and ODD had always called him. Ex hub even dropped the girls off with him for visits and took him places if he needed. The only thing we didn't do was tell YDD the truth.

A few more years passed and ex hub and I decided that after almost 17 years, it was time to end things. There was no animosity, we just had different ideas about life. We decided to share custody of the girls and never even went to court to finalize things. Since he was never actually put on YDDs birth certificate, custody wouldn't have applied to her, but we just added both girls to the custody agreement and went on with everything. Around that time, ex-bf said that he realized what he screwed up with and wanted to try again. He said we were always his family and he felt empty without his family and my support encouraging him to succeed. I talked to ex hub and asked if he had a problem with it and he said no, just to take things slow and if we decided to tell YDD the truth, he wanted us to to do it together. I agreed and ex-bf and I started seeing each other. The girls were already familiar with him as uncle and so after a while we told them that we were seeing each other. Ex hub and I were still sharing a house until we could get off the lease and get his mom settled, but we weren't even sharing the same room. Ex-bf started demanding that the girls and I move in with him, but even though we had known each other so long and had a history, I felt it was too soon. Plus he only had a one bedroom apt and obviously we needed more space. We had a fight and we decided to end things because he wanted more too quickly. We didn't talk for a few months and during that time he started seeing someone else. They met online and he told my SD about her, but didn't say anything to me. When I found out, I was upset and he tried to lie about it and say they were just friends, but they had posted on Facebook and he confirmed it in one of the comments. I cut contact for a little bit, but allowed SD to take her sisters to his house for visits that summer. I found out at the end of the summer that ex-bf had moved the new girl and her kids in temporarily and didn't bother to tell me that they were there when the girls visited. I told him that he at least needed to let me know and not ask the girls to lie to me. He agreed and said that she had left to go to her moms making it seem like they had ended things.

He again started the whole thing about wanting his family and wanting to tell YDD the truth. I agreed because love. I thought he was my soulmate and that was why we kept getting drawn back. We started talking about our future and getting a place together eventually and then he told me right after Christmas that the other girl was coming back over New Years and they were going to work on giving it a try since they didn't have much time when she was there before. I asked and he admitted that they had been together the whole time, but she had to get custody of her kids taken care of before they could be together. I told him that we were done and to take all the time he needed with her.

He then decided that he didn't want to lose my girls so he told YDD the truth about her parentage. She was almost 7 and obviously very hurt. Ex hub and I did our best to reassure her about everything and explained that we all did what we thought was best since ex-bf wasn't able to be in her life when she was younger. By the end, she was starting to be ok with having two dads and was interested in meeting ex-bfs family and knowing his son as her brother since she always wanted one of those. Ex-bf wanted to be put on her birth certificate finally since he had gotten on disability and wanted to be able to make sure that she was supported financially by him. He had also supposedly been told that due to his heart condition, he only had a few years to live and wanted her to receive the benefit when he was gone. He also told her that the new girl wasn't working out and she would be gone in just a few months when she got the funds. He actually promised YDD that it would just be them working on their relationship and that the new girl would not interfere as long as she was around.

Fast forward 3 years and the new girl never left. Ex-bf keeps saying that she is gone and if she posts something on Facebook it is just because she is delusional that they are not together. Come to find out ex-Bf lost his apt and became homeless because of the new girl. He went and lived in a tent for a bit and told YDD that new girl wasn't with him, that she went somewhere else. He had multiple stories the whole time that she was gone for good and that he was finally keeping his promises and he and YDD would build their relationship. YDD during the time reached out to new girl and found out that they had never ended things and that ex-bf was telling new girl that YDD would be a part of the life they were building and that they would need to get a place that YDD could stay with them and that new girl would eventually be YDDs new mommy. New girl then started sending abusive messages to YDD and called CPS on me to try to get the girls taken away and gave her name and said she was the stepmom and they would be more than willing to take custody of YDD. Everything was unfounded of course.

At that point, YDD was done and asked that he not contact her because he had hurt her with the lies and broken promises and wanting to take her away from me and her sister and other dad. Ex-bf decided to come to where we are living now in April of this year and found a homeless camp to stay at while he supposedly got his life together. He said that he realized his life went to hell and he had lost everything and everyone important to him when new girl came around. We believed him and YDD was willing to start working on fixing things, but she asked him to keep his promise that new girl was out of his life. He agreed and then did nothing. He spent all his time helping the camp and only came for a couple of visits to my house. He always had an excuse why he couldn't keep his word and when he was here he was always pushing me for sex instead of working with YDD. He said that I was part of the family that he had lost and he wanted all of us back. I didn't give in because YDD was more important and I am in a relationship. I kept telling him to work with YDD and ODD and they were all that mattered.

A few weeks ago, ex-bf got kicked out of the camp and begged to stay with us and work on all of us being a family. I told him no and that he needed to get his own place and work towards the girls visiting him there. Around the same time, he let it slip that he and new girl had never broken up and that she had paid for him to travel here so that he could earn YDDs trust and eventually get custody and take her up north so new girl could help him raise her. At that point we were all done. When he came for a visit, YDD waited until he went out to smoke and took off down the road to ex-hubs house. When I got there she said that he kept talking about how new girl would be a good mommy to her and loved her so much.

YDD asked that I keep him away while she went back to counseling and she would think about having him join her so they could discuss everything. I agreed and told ex-BF that it was best for a little bit so YDD could come to terms. He of course didn't agree and started telling us that he was leaving and going back up north unless YDD made an effort to fix things and prove she wanted him around. I told him that it was his responsibility as an adult to fix things with his child. His response was that he was leaving at the beginning of the month and she knew how to get a hold of him if she wanted.

Ex hub is leaving it all up to me, he is supporting YDD and letting her know that she can count on him. Fiancée doesn't want ex-bf around and has threatened to leave if he shows up even for a visit. Ex-bf is threatening to come over anyway and get fiancée to leave so he can have his family which doesn't exist. I have the girls in counseling and they don't want ex-bf around right now but want him to join them so they can express their feelings safely. After everything, ex-BF never even kept one promise and continued to lie about it all. We are still waiting for him to even get on the birth certificate, which YDD has decided she doesn't want anyway.

I know this is all screwed up and I am trying to do what's best for the girls. I made mistakes and was given the chance to correct them and make things right and I wanted to give ex-bf the same chance and all he did was mess with my kids.

So thanks if you read all this.

I guess I'm wondering if I should allow the kids to make a clean break or push them to keep trying.
Posted by Anonymous on Sep. 16, 2017 at 4:24 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 16, 2017 at 4:42 AM
Ok I will admit that I am not as smart as others but what the hell is ODD and YDD? Omg just spell it out already
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Sep. 16, 2017 at 5:03 AM
1 mom liked this
Keep them away they 've been thru too much already let them go thru counseling and get themselves together and if they want to express their feelings let them write this guy a letter and get it all out the guy sounds like a loser and a very toxic person who should stay away from those innocent children they need a chance at a normal life
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Sep. 16, 2017 at 5:08 AM
1 mom liked this
I wouldn't have him put on the birth certificate. I wouldn't allow any visitation. If he wants it he can go to court. He and his girlfriend sound like people who shouldn't be allowed around your kids.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Sep. 16, 2017 at 5:22 AM
1 mom liked this

Has he even so much as gotten a paternity test to prove he's her father? If not, then stop ALL contact with him. He's a toxic influence and is only making everyone miserable. The paternity test has to be court-ordered, by the way, for it to be valid. Until he does this he is considered to be a stranger to your daughter in the eyes of the law.

Stop giving him chances he doesn't deserve! Stop pushing, you are only making your children unhappy! Who is more imoirtant to you? Your chidren or this waster? This is such a no-brainer that I can't believe you're actually asking us.

He has no rights! Drop it!

corticosteroid
by Sapphire Member on Sep. 16, 2017 at 5:32 AM
3 moms liked this

Fake your deaths, move to Spain.

Ash452345
by MamaBear on Sep. 16, 2017 at 5:39 AM
1 mom liked this
Lol I thought this halfway through and then it dawned on me Oldest dear daughter and youngest dear daughter.

Quoting Anonymous 2: Ok I will admit that I am not as smart as others but what the hell is ODD and YDD? Omg just spell it out already
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 16, 2017 at 5:41 AM
Thank you so much. That was driving me crazy

Quoting Ash452345: Lol I thought this halfway through and then it dawned on me Oldest dear daughter and youngest dear daughter.

Quoting Anonymous 2: Ok I will admit that I am not as smart as others but what the hell is ODD and YDD? Omg just spell it out already
Ash452345
by MamaBear on Sep. 16, 2017 at 5:42 AM
1 mom liked this
I would keep your daughters away from him. He sounds very unstable. And wth would that crazy gf of his try to take your kids away? She sounds bat shit crazy too. Keep them in counseling and explain that your ex bf is in no condition to see them right now. He might be on drugs too..
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 16, 2017 at 7:46 AM
They have been in counseling since before we left the old state, mainly for help dealing with the divorce, but also because of this. ODD hates that the guy she thought of as an uncle has become so untrustworthy. He had a few issues regarding his disability and PTSD in the beginning, but it seems like it has just gotten worse. She wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt due to her dad talking to her about forgiveness, but he hurt her sister. As far as she's concerned, nobody can hurt her sister even when she is picking and teasing her.

They have both been in a little contact through text, but they both decided to stop it right now. The counselor thinks once he gets up north he will forget about pushing for a relationship and I agree at this point.

Quoting Anonymous 3: Keep them away they 've been thru too much already let them go thru counseling and get themselves together and if they want to express their feelings let them write this guy a letter and get it all out the guy sounds like a loser and a very toxic person who should stay away from those innocent children they need a chance at a normal life
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 16, 2017 at 7:51 AM
We signed the acknowledgement of paternity, but I never submitted it because he just wouldn't get off his ass and do what he needed to do. I did tell him that he needed to take it to court if he wanted to be on the birth certificate and they would order a DNA test and we could go from there. He chose not to follow through because the girls' counselor suggested a supervised step up plan to begin with and he wanted all or nothing. He couldn't have gotten visits in the camp anyway because they are a veteran based camp that didn't allow minors except for special occasions and he said he couldn't get a place of his own because he didn't feel comfortable under a real roof due to his PTSD. The girlfriend lost custody of her own kids, so I really don't want her around mine.

Quoting Anonymous 4: I wouldn't have him put on the birth certificate. I wouldn't allow any visitation. If he wants it he can go to court. He and his girlfriend sound like people who shouldn't be allowed around your kids.
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