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DH may not be the one.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 16 Replies
1 mom liked this
My DH and I have been married almost 4 years, together for 5. We get along on nearly all fronts except 1.) My oldest son (his stepson) and 2.) Careers. We were both in the military when we met but soon after we got together, he was medically retired for ptsd. I stayed in while he transitioned, kept us afloat. He did not want to stay home with the kids, and local jobs were not cutting it. While I was away for work, he took a job in another state and left our kids with my mom. It was unexpected and abrupt, and we had a huge fight over it. When I got back from my trip, I started the process to get out of the military so we could move to where he was. It's been almost 2 years and I have been in school. He likes his job, but has always been antsy for "more". When he was trying to figure out a direction, I told him I did not want a lifestyle where we were always apart, with him being gone most of the time. I feel the same about whatever career I pursue. I was recently offered a paid internship with a federal agency with the possibility of a job offer when I graduate. He went into a tirade about how it wasn't "fair" that I may have to go to a 10 week training course. That is where my oldest son comes in. He is autistic (high functioning) and is a transplant recipient. He's 9 years post-op, he basically just takes daily medication. He hasn't been sick in over 2 years. In any case, my husband is incensed that he might have to take care of him and our 3 year old alone for a little while and feels like he gave up other careers he wanted because it would have taken him away most of the time and now I'm leaving for a training course. I'm really starting to wonder if we are going to make it. I mean, if you can't hold me down so I can train for a good paying job, and if you feel like I'm holding you back, what kind of relationship is that? 😣
Posted by Anonymous on Sep. 16, 2017 at 9:48 PM
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Replies (1-10):
corticosteroid
by Sapphire Member on Sep. 16, 2017 at 9:50 PM

He doesn't know how to handle the kids by himself.  That's what this is all about.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 16, 2017 at 9:52 PM
What do I do with That? Lol

Quoting corticosteroid:

He doesn't know how to handle the kids by himself.  That's what this is all about.

LeftieX
by Ruby Member on Sep. 16, 2017 at 9:53 PM
This. And he's a big baby.

Quoting corticosteroid:

He doesn't know how to handle the kids by himself.  That's what this is all about.

LeftieX
by Ruby Member on Sep. 16, 2017 at 9:53 PM
This. And he's a big baby.

Quoting corticosteroid:

He doesn't know how to handle the kids by himself.  That's what this is all about.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 16, 2017 at 9:57 PM
Sounds like fear and avoidance to me.
Anyone (family) to come help him during your training? Maybe find a elderly sitter to help?

Some people cant do 10 weeks on their own. Doesnt make them bad people.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 16, 2017 at 10:00 PM
I think our moms would be willing to come take turns helping. My ex is deceased so he cannot take DH although if school is out, his dad's mom would probably keep him for a few weeks but I'd rather not send him away. He does better with as much stability as possible.

Quoting Anonymous 2: Sounds like fear and avoidance to me.
Anyone (family) to come help him during your training? Maybe find a elderly sitter to help?

Some people cant do 10 weeks on their own. Doesnt make them bad people.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 16, 2017 at 10:01 PM
It has definitely lowered my opinion and confidence of him and in him. And that's difficult.

Quoting LeftieX: This. And he's a big baby.

Quoting corticosteroid:

He doesn't know how to handle the kids by himself.  That's what this is all about.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 16, 2017 at 10:02 PM
See if you guys can arrange intermittent support and help for him if that makes him feel better.

I agree w/ nit wanting to uproot your children.

Quoting Anonymous 1: I think our moms would be willing to come take turns helping. My ex is deceased so he cannot take DH although if school is out, his dad's mom would probably keep him for a few weeks but I'd rather not send him away. He does better with as much stability as possible.

Quoting Anonymous 2: Sounds like fear and avoidance to me.
Anyone (family) to come help him during your training? Maybe find a elderly sitter to help?

Some people cant do 10 weeks on their own. Doesnt make them bad people.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Sep. 16, 2017 at 10:09 PM
Handling two kids alone for ten weeks is a lot of work even if the kids don't have special needs. Caring for a child with special needs, like ASD, would likely make it even harder. Add to that his own anxiety problems with his PTSD and that's really a lot to cope with for that long alone. It sounds like he is just stressed and afraid of dealing with all of that on his own.

Is there a compromise you can come to about the situation? Could you take a training of some other sort near your family or search for a different job that doesn't require training far away? Could you maybe hire a sitter for three days a week while you are gone so he could have help every other day or two. That would be an expense, but it might help him to cope more easily while you are gone. You may be able to come up with a compromise.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 16, 2017 at 10:21 PM
I definitely know how hard it is. We lived apart until our 3 year old was 6 months old. So I had him and my oldest by myself for 6 months. It also took 3 months for me to get us moved to where he was working so I was on my own with them again, while I was active duty. That means I was dropping the baby off at 5:45am to be at work by 6am, working 12 hours, and then coming home and taking care of both of them. No to mention the oldest was in pt and ot at the time. So yeah, I've done it. The oldest is in school until 3:30pm and the youngest would be in daycare while he works. So, he won't even be home with them except nights and weekends. I don't see how that's so hard. My oldest is Autistic but it's mostly socialization. He's very quiet and the most difficulty we have with him is helping him with his homework.

Quoting Anonymous 3: Handling two kids alone for ten weeks is a lot of work even if the kids don't have special needs. Caring for a child with special needs, like ASD, would likely make it even harder. Add to that his own anxiety problems with his PTSD and that's really a lot to cope with for that long alone. It sounds like he is just stressed and afraid of dealing with all of that on his own.

Is there a compromise you can come to about the situation? Could you take a training of some other sort near your family or search for a different job that doesn't require training far away? Could you maybe hire a sitter for three days a week while you are gone so he could have help every other day or two. That would be an expense, but it might help him to cope more easily while you are gone. You may be able to come up with a compromise.
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