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I'm sorry, but it's not my fault

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 45 Replies
I was adopted as an infant, a closed, private adoption. I've always known I was adopted, and it's never been an issue. I love my parents and my siblings, and I've never had any desire to try and locate my biological mother.

About three months ago, a woman reached out to me and said she was my half sister, we shared the same biological father. I agreed to meet with her. Turns out, my biological father apparently had no clue I even existed until just a few years ago, when he reconnected with my biological mother. She told him about the baby (me) and placing me for adoption. They've been looking for me ever since. My bm died about a year ago, but my bd and his other children have been looking for me since. Fine, whatever. I met with him, answered the questions of if I had a good life, if my parents were good people, what I was doing now, but that was it.

He said several times that he hated that I'd been taken from him. It was a shitty thing to do to him, and I feel bad for him, but at the same time, I love my parents and can't imagine any other life, certainly not being raised by a woman who felt giving a man's child away without his knowledge was ok. I understand why he's pissed, but he didn't seem to understand that just because he wanted to be my dad, and that he didn't agree to the adoption, doesn't change the fact that he's nothing but my biological father, and that the adoption DID go through, and that I have two amazing parents, and siblings I grew up with. He and his children are strangers to me, and I do not feel comfortable indulging his or their fantasies of me coming into their family. Those ties are just not possible, nor are they something I want at this stage in my life. I'd be ok with some general contact, you know, exchanging cards at Christmas, the occasional email, but I can't and don't want to go from "hi, I'm your biological dad" to "daddy daughter dates". If he and his kids weren't so pushy I would be more open to seeing where things go, but being told I'm part of the family and that they can't wait to meet their other nieces and nephews (meaning my kids) and the refusal to acknowledge that my parents are indeed my parents just isn't ok.

When I explained that, they tried the guilt track, that bd had never signed off on the adoption, that his other kids had never gotten a chance to know me, that it was all my bm's actions that led to this. And that's all true, and again, I completely agree that it's a shitty situation and I feel for the guy, but it doesn't change that the situation occurred, or that I'm an adult with a complete family, and the one person who had nothing to do with the adoption going through. He can be mad at my bm all he wants, but trying to guilt me into a relationship over something I had no control over doesn't exactly put him in a good light either.
Posted by Anonymous on Sep. 21, 2017 at 2:27 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Phoenix_lament
by Fawkes on Sep. 21, 2017 at 2:32 AM
People like this often refuse to back off, and become problematic because they feel like sharing DNA with you makes them "own" a part of you. (Before someone quotes me for that, note I said often, NOT ALWAYS). I would tell the whole group of them that I wanted no further contact, and would take legal action if they don't respect it. None of it is your fault, and you have zero obligation to any of them. Your BM could have had a shitty, selfish reason to do what she did, or she could have had an excellent one. You will never know, and I would advise against taking the risk.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 21, 2017 at 2:36 AM
Its normal and great though hes wants you in his life. Why not open yourself up to getting to know that family? Do you live close?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 21, 2017 at 2:41 AM
3 moms liked this
It's not normal to act like a stranger, an adult, is your child or owes you anything. Thankfully they do not live close.
If they weren't pushy, demanding, and attempting to guilt me into a relationship I'd be more likely to open to getting to know them, but strangers making demands and acting like they know me isn't normal, nor something that's going to endear them to me.

Quoting Anonymous 2: Its normal and great though hes wants you in his life. Why not open yourself up to getting to know that family? Do you live close?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 21, 2017 at 2:42 AM
1 mom liked this
That's exactly it. They, mostly him, seem to feel like because I share DNA, he owns me or is entitled to my life.

I don't intend to continue further contact. My husband has been pushing for legal action, and I really think that's going to be the only option to get them away.



Quoting Phoenix_lament: People like this often refuse to back off, and become problematic because they feel like sharing DNA with you makes them "own" a part of you. (Before someone quotes me for that, note I said often, NOT ALWAYS). I would tell the whole group of them that I wanted no further contact, and would take legal action if they don't respect it. None of it is your fault, and you have zero obligation to any of them. Your BM could have had a shitty, selfish reason to do what she did, or she could have had an excellent one. You will never know, and I would advise against taking the risk.
Princess_s21
by Sarah on Sep. 21, 2017 at 2:44 AM
1 mom liked this
That is awful that she did to him honestly I think that's one of the worse things you can do to someone,robbing them of being a parent without them even knowing it. I can understand why he is so upset. However he needs to accept what happened and that there is nothing that can change what your bm did or the ramifications that has caused him and you. He needs to respect your wishes no matter how hard that may be.
Phoenix_lament
by Fawkes on Sep. 21, 2017 at 2:45 AM
5 moms liked this
Being pushy about it is usually a red flag. I side with your husband, especially since you have kids. For all you know, your BM could have gone to great lengths to hide your existence from a very dangerous and/or fucked up individual. You have no way of knowing.

Quoting Anonymous 1: That's exactly it. They, mostly him, seem to feel like because I share DNA, he owns me or is entitled to my life.

I don't intend to continue further contact. My husband has been pushing for legal action, and I really think that's going to be the only option to get them away.



Quoting Phoenix_lament: People like this often refuse to back off, and become problematic because they feel like sharing DNA with you makes them "own" a part of you. (Before someone quotes me for that, note I said often, NOT ALWAYS). I would tell the whole group of them that I wanted no further contact, and would take legal action if they don't respect it. None of it is your fault, and you have zero obligation to any of them. Your BM could have had a shitty, selfish reason to do what she did, or she could have had an excellent one. You will never know, and I would advise against taking the risk.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Sep. 21, 2017 at 3:01 AM
2 moms liked this
Sorry you're so scared, closed off, and defensive. Consider therapy.
heart_n_soul
by Trinity on Sep. 21, 2017 at 3:12 AM

Yeah, I totally agree with you. Unless he's a criminal, then she should have told him. But she didn't, you had nothing to do with that, and what is done is done. He doesn't own you, nor do you owe him anything. Cut him and his kids out, and take legal action to protect yourself. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 21, 2017 at 3:15 AM
5 moms liked this
I think it's pretty normal and doesn't require therapy to be scared and defensive when strangers try to force their way into your life and make demands and refuse to respect you and your decisions.

Quoting Anonymous 3: Sorry you're so scared, closed off, and defensive. Consider therapy.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 21, 2017 at 3:16 AM
1 mom liked this
We did have a background check run on him before I agreed to meet him, and at least he's never been charged with anything. But you're right, we don't know why she hid my existence from him. They were both 18 when this happened, so I think it's more likely she was just young and dumb and scared, but she's gone and she's the only other person who could shed some light on this. With his actions, and his kids' actions, I'm going to see what my legal options even are.

Quoting Phoenix_lament: Being pushy about it is usually a red flag. I side with your husband, especially since you have kids. For all you know, your BM could have gone to great lengths to hide your existence from a very dangerous and/or fucked up individual. You have no way of knowing.

Quoting Anonymous 1: That's exactly it. They, mostly him, seem to feel like because I share DNA, he owns me or is entitled to my life.

I don't intend to continue further contact. My husband has been pushing for legal action, and I really think that's going to be the only option to get them away.



Quoting Phoenix_lament: People like this often refuse to back off, and become problematic because they feel like sharing DNA with you makes them "own" a part of you. (Before someone quotes me for that, note I said often, NOT ALWAYS). I would tell the whole group of them that I wanted no further contact, and would take legal action if they don't respect it. None of it is your fault, and you have zero obligation to any of them. Your BM could have had a shitty, selfish reason to do what she did, or she could have had an excellent one. You will never know, and I would advise against taking the risk.
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