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Husband won't shower!

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 63 Replies

I'm so frustrated with this and I am seeking someone who has gone through something similar.

My husband is 30 and has basically stopped showering or taking care of himself. He will shower or shave but it's many days in between (4 or 5 if I had to guess, maybe longer) unless I bring it up. He wasn't like this when we started dating or even the first two years but it's gradually decreased over time (been together almost 7 years). 

I think part of it is he is depressed over losing his job last May that he had for 11 years BUT it started even before that and he was unhappy at his job. He also has another job now but it doesn't pay anywhere near what it did before and is only part time. He said at that time (previous job) he didn't shower because he "didn't want people touching" him. As far as I know no one ever tried to sexually assault him (this is somewhat common among sexual assault victims). I also tried explaining that no one will want to hire him if he does not have good hygiene, he just dismissed it by saying that no one had called him to interview anyways.

I've tried encouraging him, massaging/bathing him (this is difficult for me due to low back issues), and telling him outright he needs to shower (which he does then) but nothing seems to work consistently. It's more than just showering, he'll claim he forgets to put on deodorant or it "wears off". I also got an electric razor that he said he wanted/needed to shave everyday and it still didn't make a difference. This is the same with showering, but he'll say that he meant to but forgot. I've even taken him to a upscale guy's salon (where they massage your scalp and all that) but he didn't really care.

He brushes his teeth everyday twice a day but I caught a look at his toothbrush a few days ago and it was DISGUSTING and looked like it had mold on it (wish I'd taken a picture but i just couldn't before i made him throw it away). We had extra toothbrushes on hand or he could have easily picked one up from the store. He won't comb his hair (it's usually short but he needs a haircut which is a battle in itself) unless I say something. He has horrible dandruff even after washing.

I think another part is he simply isn't washing thoroughly enough, his hair will be kinda greasy even just right after it's dried from a shower. I asked him what his shower routine is and suggested changing it up a little (washing his hair twice instead of once, letting the shampoo sit for a minute) but unless I stand and watch from outside the shower I don't know if it will actually happen.

It's not an outright refusal but he just won't do it or won't remember unless I say something. Close friends have said things to me about him smelling and I relayed them to him but he still didn't seem to care very much or will say he didn't have time to get ready and put on deodorant or shower. Between all this and playing video games (doesn't play them excessively but could be using the time for something else, like showering), I feel like I'm living with a teenager!!

His mom died after being sick with cancer twice when he was 14 so idk if this is some kind of "stuck" thing or what but it seems like she never went through the "teenage boy bad hygiene" phase with him, I feel like I am.

Some people and posts I have read about similar issues say "deny him sex" or "deny him oral" or just leave/divorce him. While I feel uncomfortable denying him sex, I would if it would work but he just doesn't have that high of a drive and oral sex makes him feel uncomfortable. He thinks his penis and genital area are "gross", says he doesn't even like touching them (I think this is from his sheltered upbringing but idk). However I know he does masturbate on occasion so he can't be that grossed out. I married him for better or worse so simply leaving isn't an option for me.

Sorry this is kinda long but would appreciate any help or advice! PIOG.

ETA: Thank you for all those that offered helpful suggestions. I didn't know places offered mental health services on a sliding scale OR even think of us qualifying for Medicaid. I do wholeheartedly agree he is depressed and know firsthand that depression affects everyone differently. Just to clarify I do NOT want to deny him sex because I don't feel that is right personally but I am desperate to help him. 

I asked him last night via text (he works overnight and I thought may be easier over text vs face to face) why this was happening. He said he hates himself on a daily basis because of all the crap going on (losing his job, not having insurance, etc). He said he wasn't sexually assaulted, not that he could remember anyways. I had him go to the store and get some bodywash he likes thinking that might help or encourage him to shower.

Posted by Anonymous on Sep. 25, 2017 at 4:01 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Quakercaoimhe
by Esperantisto on Sep. 25, 2017 at 4:07 AM
1 mom liked this

You need to talk to him and get him some counseling. Please don't use sex as means of manipulation. That's really unhealthy.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 25, 2017 at 4:10 AM

I hate that advice, which is why i made sure to include it. I don't believe in using it as a weapon but I want so badly to help him. If we could afford counseling I would but we are both working part time. I've tried talking to him but IDK what else to say?

Quoting Quakercaoimhe:

You need to talk to him and get him some counseling. Please don't use sex as means of manipulation. That's really unhealthy.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 25, 2017 at 4:23 AM
He needs help. Hes depressed. I finally just showered. I cant tell you how long ago i did last. I dont brush my hair everyday or put my makeup on. Im in a severe depression. These are all the signs.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 25, 2017 at 4:54 AM
I understand, I've been there myself since I was 12. I was to the point my hair was just a knotted mess and they had to cut almost all of it off. I was "up" for a few years from 14-18. Then had a down time and I couldn't concentrate on anything, my boyfriend at the time left me (22 at this time) after dealing with my depression for the last two years of our relationship (5 years total). I get its more then just being sad, it's more like physical pain to just do anything.

I know depression is different in everyone. He told me just now that he hates himself because of everything that has happened (him losing his job, struggling with infertility even though it's not due to him).

It breaks my heart. I was able to learn some coping techniques but of course depression is always there. I wish I had more resources to help him, right now it's just us.

Quoting Anonymous 2: He needs help. Hes depressed. I finally just showered. I cant tell you how long ago i did last. I dont brush my hair everyday or put my makeup on. Im in a severe depression. These are all the signs.
Quakercaoimhe
by Esperantisto on Sep. 25, 2017 at 4:55 AM

Do you folks hve any insurance at all? If so, perhaps the company has some free counseling avilable for a few sessions.

Quoting Anonymous 1:

I hate that advice, which is why i made sure to include it. I don't believe in using it as a weapon but I want so badly to help him. If we could afford counseling I would but we are both working part time. I've tried talking to him but IDK what else to say?

Quoting Quakercaoimhe:

You need to talk to him and get him some counseling. Please don't use sex as means of manipulation. That's really unhealthy.



Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 25, 2017 at 5:02 AM
No, we can't afford it. We had insurance through his previous employer but now we both only have part time jobs that don't offer insurance. We tried getting on with the ACA health insurance but the payments were $600 a month and our state was one that did not "accept" (forget the word) it therefore we weren't able to get any help or breaks with the fee.

He has an exemption for health care due to having a CDIB card but all health services have ridiculous waiting lists (like 6 months to see a dentist).

I did suggest seeing a counselor when we did have insurance but he never went.

Quoting Quakercaoimhe:

Do you folks hve any insurance at all? If so, perhaps the company has some free counseling avilable for a few sessions.

Quoting Anonymous 1:

I hate that advice, which is why i made sure to include it. I don't believe in using it as a weapon but I want so badly to help him. If we could afford counseling I would but we are both working part time. I've tried talking to him but IDK what else to say?

Quoting Quakercaoimhe:

You need to talk to him and get him some counseling. Please don't use sex as means of manipulation. That's really unhealthy.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Sep. 25, 2017 at 5:07 AM
Yeh sounds like he is having issues that may be in need of counseling.

How does he feel about counseling? Maybe at church or some meeting.. maybe your pcp wild know more about where you can get that at lower cost.

But if it's severe enough I would get him help even at what ever cost. this might be a reason he can not get a job..
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 25, 2017 at 5:12 AM
He says he is okay with it but I brought it up with him when we had insurance however he never went.

A church MAY work, if we could find a fairly secular one. I am not religious and he hasn't been to a church in about 12 years. We talked about trying some out but didn't.

I would like to get him the best help money could buy but only having part time jobs, paying bills is a big concern. His mental health is very important but won't be helped by us having our house foreclosed on.

Quoting Anonymous 3: Yeh sounds like he is having issues that may be in need of counseling.

How does he feel about counseling? Maybe at church or some meeting.. maybe your pcp wild know more about where you can get that at lower cost.

But if it's severe enough I would get him help even at what ever cost. this might be a reason he can not get a job..
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Sep. 25, 2017 at 5:20 AM
Oh yeh absolutley.. are there any centers in your area..
I mean mental health is such a huge issue.. it get so overlooked.. maybe going to the dr if nothing else is found and getting some meds.. I mean I really do not know severity of it in your hubby .. you see and interact with him..

How long has it been since he stoped caring ( for the lack of a better word)..

Quoting Anonymous 1: He says he is okay with it but I brought it up with him when we had insurance however he never went.

A church MAY work, if we could find a fairly secular one. I am not religious and he hasn't been to a church in about 12 years. We talked about trying some out but didn't.

I would like to get him the best help money could buy but only having part time jobs, paying bills is a big concern. His mental health is very important but won't be helped by us having our house foreclosed on.

Quoting Anonymous 3: Yeh sounds like he is having issues that may be in need of counseling.

How does he feel about counseling? Maybe at church or some meeting.. maybe your pcp wild know more about where you can get that at lower cost.

But if it's severe enough I would get him help even at what ever cost. this might be a reason he can not get a job..
Quakercaoimhe
by Esperantisto on Sep. 25, 2017 at 5:21 AM

Ugh. That's so shitty. I'm so sorry there's not more professional help available for your husband. Mental health issues are frustrating enough without all this red tape and restriction. He's really lucky to have you for a spouse. You care far more than a lot of folks would.

Quoting Anonymous 1: No, we can't afford it. We had insurance through his previous employer but now we both only have part time jobs that don't offer insurance. We tried getting on with the ACA health insurance but the payments were $600 a month and our state was one that did not "accept" (forget the word) it therefore we weren't able to get any help or breaks with the fee. He has an exemption for health care due to having a CDIB card but all health services have ridiculous waiting lists (like 6 months to see a dentist). I did suggest seeing a counselor when we did have insurance but he never went.
Quoting Quakercaoimhe:

Do you folks hve any insurance at all? If so, perhaps the company has some free counseling avilable for a few sessions.

Quoting Anonymous 1:

I hate that advice, which is why i made sure to include it. I don't believe in using it as a weapon but I want so badly to help him. If we could afford counseling I would but we are both working part time. I've tried talking to him but IDK what else to say?

Quoting Quakercaoimhe:

You need to talk to him and get him some counseling. Please don't use sex as means of manipulation. That's really unhealthy.



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