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Divorce or give in? (Could be long) UPDATE

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
THE UPDATE: original post is below. I officially am signed up for fire school in February passed the background check and the physical and everything. My dh was pissed that I went through with it. I stayed with my dad a few days when i started the process. Then my husband ebded up coming here to talk. He basically gave me 2 options. I give up this idea comoletely, keep living as we have been until the kids start school and then he would support me finding a "more appropriate and less time consuming path". If i insist on doing this, I could home and do it BUT he is not supporting me in any way beyond the bare minimum. I would have to give up my atm card, I wouldn't be allowed to drive "his cars", he wouldn't keep the kids while in in school etc etc. a I'm very torn. I am 25 years old. I havI chose option C. None of these and I am living with my Mom now. The kids are with me and she has agreed to help and to baby sit as much as I need her to. My Dad bought me my own car for Christmas so he can't take it from me. He hasn't seen the kids since I moved out office. He is always too busy. I am getting all the paperwork together to file for divorce.

The OP:

I have been married to my husband for 6 years. We have 2 kids together who are 4 and 18 months. He is 32. I have been a sah wife/mom basically forever.

I have recently become close friends with another Mom in the neighborhood. She is 28 and a single Mom of 2 and is a paramedic and a firefighter. She loves her job and from what I can see seems to be very good at it. I have met several of the people she works with and they all seem to really like and respect her. She has told me stories about things she has done and people she has helped and it got me thinking and I started doing my research.

I t would take me maybe a year and a half to two years to get my firefighter card, my emt basic license and then my paramedic. But I could feasibly start working on the field within 6 months to a year, I just wouldnt be able to get on full time with a department until I finished all 3. I could get grants and financial aid to cover all of the schooling. The more I think about it the more I know it would be a perfdect path for me.

The issue. My dh is very old-fashioned and believes women should stay home if at all possible and if not, there are certain professions that should remain strictly for men - this being one of them. When I broached the subject of wanting to follow this path, he put his foot down and said no way would he stay married to me if I made that choice and he said he would fight tooth and nail for custody of the kids. He told me he didn't mind if I went to school but that it should be for something more suitable like secretarial work or even something more hobby related, like art classes or cooking. He said he could compromise and let me get a part time job doing something like that once our kids are in school but until then I am expected to stay home.

To be fair, I do love him and I did marry him knowing his views on this sort of thing. I did agree to the lifestyle he feels is right. But I have grown up a lot since then and I am starting to realize I want to do something more than this and I find myself longing to make this happen. I just don't know. Am I being unfair? Should I give up on this and just love the life I agreed to? Bit I don't think I can be content living this way forever. But I do love him. I am SO torn.
Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 11, 2017 at 2:40 PM
Replies (521-527):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 109 on Dec. 14, 2017 at 4:04 PM
Love can not and will not keep you satisfied in all aspects of your life.
You know you won't be happy in this life forever.
The longer you wait, the more time you waste, and the more you will resent him from keepin fb you from what you want.
If you have essentially been the "sole care taker"of the kids so far, I doubt a judge is just going to automatically give him custody.

My suggestion, start making a plan.
Show your children you do not just have to stay at home and cook and clean.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 110 on Dec. 14, 2017 at 6:17 PM

My dad was this conservative. And there was probably another reason why he would not let my mom go back to work: he was not good at parenting nor good at any work around the house. Therefore, he thought his role in the family was to be the bread winner. -After being a sahm for a long time, mom eventually started working. She changed a lot and I think my dad never really got over this. 

You are thinking of your life. Your dh seems to think of your kids, your family and your relationship as a couple.

Maybe dh remembers how much time, energy and focus he put into his career and does not want you to commit all that to a career instead of your kids right now. Maybe he has an idea of how he and you can be perfect parents to your kids. Or, maybe he just does not want you to risk your health or life for a job that IS risky (injury and fatality rates are much higher for firefighters than in any other job). Maybe he does not want to have to deal with crazy work hours. Maybe he feels that you will change a lot when you start that career so that you might drift apart as a couple. Maybe has has already seen some change in you and is unhappy or just scared. 

He is clearly serious about what he is saying. And there is eventually more to it than the conception of a profession.You should respect that.

Your kids are young. If you don't have your dh'es support with that career, maybe you shouln't force it at this point. Do what's best for your kids.

Maybe your wish will "sink in" over time or you will come up with job alternatives that he will approve.

Meanwhile, you can do some stuff with your 4 year old at home. Clean the car together. Build forts at home or in the woods. Go on scavenger/treasure hunts. Pack outgrown clothes for younger kids. Help some animals. Ride the bike somewhere and have a picknick. Plant or harvest a  tree. Build a small dam on a slope and "test" it with water. Take a night walk with a flash light.

And, you could volunteer...offer to give a presentation about fire fighters at your child's preschool; educate homeowners about fire safety (plant selection, clearance around homes, fire resistant materials). 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 14, 2017 at 7:30 PM
I've already made my decision. I'm getting signed up.for fire school. It starts in February. My husband refuses to accept It So thekids and I have moved in with my dad.

Quoting Anonymous 110:

My dad was this conservative. And there was probably another reason why he would not let my mom go back to work: he was not good at parenting nor good at any work around the house. Therefore, he thought his role in the family was to be the bread winner. -After being a sahm for a long time, mom eventually started working. She changed a lot and I think my dad never really got over this. 

You are thinking of your life. Your dh seems to think of your kids, your family and your relationship as a couple.

Maybe dh remembers how much time, energy and focus he put into his career and does not want you to commit all that to a career instead of your kids right now. Maybe he has an idea of how he and you can be perfect parents to your kids. Or, maybe he just does not want you to risk your health or life for a job that IS risky (injury and fatality rates are much higher for firefighters than in any other job). Maybe he does not want to have to deal with crazy work hours. Maybe he feels that you will change a lot when you start that career so that you might drift apart as a couple. Maybe has has already seen some change in you and is unhappy or just scared. 

He is clearly serious about what he is saying. And there is eventually more to it than the conception of a profession.You should respect that.

Your kids are young. If you don't have your dh'es support with that career, maybe you shouln't force it at this point. Do what's best for your kids.

Maybe your wish will "sink in" over time or you will come up with job alternatives that he will approve.

Meanwhile, you can do some stuff with your 4 year old at home. Clean the car together. Build forts at home or in the woods. Go on scavenger/treasure hunts. Pack outgrown clothes for younger kids. Help some animals. Ride the bike somewhere and have a picknick. Plant or harvest a  tree. Build a small dam on a slope and "test" it with water. Take a night walk with a flash light.

And, you could volunteer...offer to give a presentation about fire fighters at your child's preschool; educate homeowners about fire safety (plant selection, clearance around homes, fire resistant materials). 

armstrongc7
by Member on Dec. 15, 2017 at 11:19 PM
Just go ahead and do it!! Most men will talk a big game but do you really think he will leave you and the kids because you do what you want??? Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. What you agreed to at 19 is a joke. If he does really leave you for this...any judge would give you the kids, child support and alimony. He only says it's a man job because he would be jealous. Take your life and be what you want!!!
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 31, 2017 at 11:24 AM
Bumping update
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 31, 2017 at 11:28 AM
Updated
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 31, 2017 at 11:43 AM
B
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