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DH has a decision to make...

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 53 Replies

DH is considering filing for full custody of SS (11).  He is really conflicted about the situation and really doesn't know what to do.


BM has 3 children, SS, a 6yo boy, and had a new baby girl in July.  The 6 yo has severe non-verbal autism.  Things have been pretty rough around their house since the new baby.  BM is basically on her own with the kids.  She lives with her mom, but grandma works two jobs trying to support everyone.  DH is the only father involved with any of the kids.  SS is extremely good with his little brother.  He does a very good job at getting him to calm if he's in a meltdown and just keeping him peaceful.  Basically, since the 6yo was diagnosed, BM has complained that when SS is with us, it's chaos at her house. Since the new baby, it sounds like its complete hell for her. In September, BM started calling us when SS is here and seeing if we can run SS by if things are completely out of control.  We don't live far, and when she started it was just once in a while.  DH, trying to help her out accommodated this hoping it would happen just a few times.  Well, at this point it's now every time he is here.  Plus she's started negotiating visitation based on the 6yo's attitude.  We have SS every Wednesday night.  This week BM called DH and basically just said SS couldn't come Wednesday because the 6yo had a bad day, could they change to Thursday.  Ok, so SS comes here yesterday.  At 11 o'clock last night BM called crying saying she couldn't get the boy to sleep asking if DH could bring SS home.  We were in bed, SS was in bed.  DH said no.  She called at 1 again, begging him to bring him over.  DH again said no.  At some point after that she sent him a pretty crappy text about how shes doing this all on her own and she needs SS here and if we can't help her out, maybe she would just file for full custody.


Since Thanksgiving, DH has been considering the idea of filing for full custody.  He feels that BM is putting too much responsibility on SS and at this point is just using SS as a babysitter.  But he also knows that SS loves his little brother and would do anything for him.  He's afraid if he takes custody of SS, SS will resent him for it.  We know BM needs help, but our time with SS shouldn't suffer because she can't handle the other children she has.  It's not like she didn't know what life would be like with the 6 yo when she got pregnant again.  

Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 15, 2017 at 6:32 AM
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Replies (1-10):
stepperbepper
by Gold Member on Dec. 15, 2017 at 6:39 AM
How does the SS feel? Does he want to live with you guys full time and why would the courts change the custody agreement already in place ?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Dec. 15, 2017 at 6:41 AM
Tell your DH, do what is in the best interest of his son.
fatcat0908
by Platinum Member on Dec. 15, 2017 at 6:44 AM
How old is SS? This should be up to him as well.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 15, 2017 at 6:47 AM
1 mom liked this

SS has started being annoyed by the phone calls and this changed visitations.  He said last night he was mad he didn't get to watch Wednesday's basketball game with DH.  But he goes because he's a good kid and wants to help his mom.  DH would talk with SS about it prior to actually filing.  He just doesn't want SS to feel like he's being used.  

Quoting stepperbepper: How does the SS feel? Does he want to live with you guys full time and why would the courts change the custody agreement already in place ?


Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Dec. 15, 2017 at 6:47 AM
Does the kid want to live with you?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Dec. 15, 2017 at 6:48 AM
His son is old enough for his opinion to be considered. What is the child's feeling on all of this?
Valentina327
by Bronze Member on Dec. 15, 2017 at 6:49 AM
That's a tough decision. He loves his brother ... Very sweet! Sounds like a good little guy. Is he able to communicate to you that he feels stressed by the situation or is he happy to help out? If he's indicated that he's unhappy living there I might do something. If it doesn't bother him, I'd ride out the inconvenience in the near term.

This really is a temporary situation though. The baby is going to grow up and grow out of this phase then it will no longer be an issue.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Dec. 15, 2017 at 6:49 AM
How old is ss? He should really be part of the decision, unless there are obvious signs of stress. Dh should definitely put a stop to her constant contact on his time no matter what.
Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on Dec. 15, 2017 at 6:51 AM
2 moms liked this
I think you guys need to sit and talk with SS.

I think it’s fabulous SS is such a great big brother however BM is relying on him for the wrong reasons.

Where is that child’s father or the baby’s father?!
If he’s SN like you are saying BM can file for help.

Trying to think....Dept of Developmental Delays or DDD.

She needs to learn to handle her SN child or SS and that baby will grow to resent BM and their SN sibling
themrs007
by Ruby Member on Dec. 15, 2017 at 7:02 AM
I believe to get full custody you would need to prove SS is in direct harm or is being abused. Can you prove that?

It does sound like BM needs help or training of some form and is bothering you when SS is with you, but I am not sure that warrants abuse from what you have told us.
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