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They're going to ruin fil's big Christmas weekend :(

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 46 Replies
Ss17 and sd14 live with their BM and have been for 5 yrs. we had them for 4 yrs previously while BM straightened her life out. Ss isn't biologically dh's child but DH has raised him since he was a baby. Although DH has been a huge part of his life, BM gives DH zero say over ss. He has no control of him whatsoever.

Ss doesn't know that DH isn't his bio dad. Ss has many mental health issues (which is why DH and BM don't think telling him is a good idea). The list of disorders is long. We are currently waiting on a bipolar diagnosis. Praying bipolar meds will help him cope better. But right now, ss is difficult to manage.

DH and BM are always at odds over ss. BM feels strongly that, due to ss's issues, it's just easier to give him what he wants. Always. So, this kid calls all of the shots at her home. DH and I don't run out home this way. We have realistic expectations of ss and a predictable cool down method to help keep him in check. But we won't ask anyone to leave the table for chewing too loudly, allow ss to demand people to do things with him, let ss decide what we do, etc. While he was living here, he was doing wonderfully with all of this. However, now that he's older, he chooses not to come here that often. Maybe once per month for dinner. DH doesn't force him and will invite him out to things we know he will like (typically hockey related events) but he's stopped calling and begging him to come do craft nights and movie nights because ss always says no. Sd comes a lot more often. She likes these things.

Right now, sd is furious with DH and not talking to him. Apparently, after DH and ss had a text argument, sd asked her mom why DH spends more time with her than Ss. BM told her that DH doesn't want to have a relationship with ss!!! Wtf?! So, now she's incredibly angry at DH. She won't talk to him, barely texts him, refuses to see him. DH is devastated.

He talked to BM and she says that what she said is true. That's why she said it. DH is livid because it's far from true! We just took him to a hockey event in November, asked him to come to another beginning of December (that he declined to attend). We text him when we are cooking his fave meals. Etc. If you were to look at the kids phone, you'd see he is invited here often.

Furthermore, sd is furious that DH treats ss 'like shit' by having so many rules in our home. She feels DH isn't being a good parent to him because he is too strict with him. She feels he should know ds has issues and just let him do his thing. She wants him to treat ss just the way BM does.

We are planning on spending next weekend out of town with dh's dads side of the family In a hotel. Both of the step kids say they're still going but are both still mad at DH. I've told DH that he NEEDS to squash this drama before the event. Fil is paying for everyone's rooms and having this event catered. I do NOT want our drama to ruin this for fil! He's spent a lot of money and time on this. DH texted sd saying that they need to all sit down and talk. She refuses and told DH 'It's sad that she has to be the bigger person and act like the adult here'. Sd says she will behave and so will ss next weekend, but, they won't talk to him until next weekend.

Would it be wrong for us to tell the step kids that if they refuse to deal with this drama now, then they can't come to the hotel next weekend?

And, before anyone says it, I've suggested counselling to all of them. I have been for years. No one feels like it's necessary.



Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 16, 2017 at 12:48 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Dec. 16, 2017 at 12:52 PM
1 mom liked this
I would not allow them to go while arguing
.oOPoisonOo.
by on Dec. 16, 2017 at 12:52 PM
Tldr
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 16, 2017 at 12:55 PM
That's what I say. I don't mean to exclude them. I've never excluded the step kids from anything. But I absolutely refuse to be the family that ruins a huge extended family event.

Quoting Anonymous 2: I would not allow them to go while arguing
bleumonster
by Sapphire Member on Dec. 16, 2017 at 12:55 PM
2 moms liked this
I wouldn’t. I would tell sd that by refusing to talk she is not acting like an adult. An adult would want to get things out and the air cleared. I would tell them that this is all very important to FIL and you really think things will be strained they don’t talk to dad before then.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 16, 2017 at 12:56 PM
Then why bother commenting?! Lmfao

Quoting .oOPoisonOo.: Tldr
Mrsfitz0305
by Bronze Member on Dec. 16, 2017 at 12:56 PM
If they will behave, let them go. Having them there in person should give your husband a chance to have a conversation about this.
luckysevenwow
by Emerald Member on Dec. 16, 2017 at 12:56 PM
I’m sure grandpa wants to see everyone, not everything involving family is so easily solved. Maybe this vacation is what everyone needs, you all can’t escape each other so some talking should go on during the down time.

Teens are pain in the asses to begin with, if you disinvited them for every argument, no one would every hang out.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Dec. 16, 2017 at 12:57 PM
She’s not an adult, she’s 14, if she thought and acted like an adult she wouldn’t need parents.

Quoting bleumonster: I wouldn’t. I would tell sd that by refusing to talk she is not acting like an adult. An adult would want to get things out and the air cleared. I would tell them that this is all very important to FIL and you really think things will be strained they don’t talk to dad before then.
.oOPoisonOo.
by on Dec. 16, 2017 at 12:58 PM
For a bump?

Quoting Anonymous 1: Then why bother commenting?! Lmfao

Quoting .oOPoisonOo.: Tldr
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Dec. 16, 2017 at 12:58 PM

Tell dh to text ss and his dd and say "that IF they do NOT come over and hash this bullshit out BEFORE you are supposed to leave for the weekend trip that they will NOT be going"...period!!!!

The ball is in their court now....

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