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I regret that we went for an open adoption

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

When we adopted DS we thought open adoption was the best thing. It would give DS the chance to know his birth parents and them the chance to see him. We talked about yearly visits and pictures/updates. It has not been great at all. 

Well we started having problems when they posted pictures of DS all over social media. We had agreed that it was okay with them to share the pictures with their parents but not put them on social media. The first time they promised it wouldnt happen but it turns out they just blocked us so we couldnt see the pictures. We only found out when one of their family members showed up on the "people you might know" or whatever tab on facebook with DS as their profile picture. I think it was birth moms grandmothers account. 

We stopped sending any pictures. That only made them more angry. The demanded to see DS more. We ended up blocking them on everything. We contacted the adoption agency to see what we should do about the situation. They set up meetings with the birth parents and asked if we would attend one so we can all talk and hopefully get on the same page. Well it didnt go well beause we didnt bring DS and they were expecting him. 

They got mad and refused to talk to us until DS was there. We went to leave because that just wasnt going to happen. They pretty much pitched a fit saying they had the right to see their child and we needed to realize that. 

I told them that he is OUR son and they have 0 rights to him. We have gone out of our way to make this open adoption thing work but clearly it wasnt working. We told them not to contact us in any way again or we would report them for harassment. 

I know it was harsh but it needed to be done. It is clear that they do not have the maturity to handle contact with us and DS. We didnt ask much of them but to just respect our rule of no social media. We didnt have to try to work it out with them at all but we did and all we were met with was disrespect. We are done with them. 

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 2, 2018 at 10:29 PM
Replies (71-80):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jan. 3, 2018 at 3:21 PM
I let my bf at the time talk me into adoption and I was scared to do it on my own. Thr only way i agreed to it was on thr condition it would be a completely open adoption and that we wpuld know each other. No, there is no.legal way to enforce that so legally shr had the right to close the adoption when she changed her mind but that dossnt make it right. And nownsjes paying for it. We could very easily have gone on like it was and all of us cpuld have had her and had relationships woth her. But she made that choice and it backfired.

Quoting Anonymous 23: Don't argue with them they aren't worth it. I know what you are saying and I agree with you. Just because you raise a child doesn't mean you care and love that child like that child deserves to be loved. And there is an automatic bond between a bm and child that no one can break. I understand why the adopted parents lost their daughter they raised. The adopted mom was selfish and wanted to cut you from her life but it back fired on her and she got what she deserved.

Giving up a baby you carried for 9 months and delivered is a selfless act and it is so much harder then anyone can imagine. I almost put my 7 year old for adoption but quickly changed my mind because of situations like yours and I am so glad I did. She is so wonderful and we have always had a bond like no other and no one can love her the way that I do .



Quoting Anonymous 5: They werent selfless. They wanted a baby. They got one. That doesnt make them selfless. And then they got jealous because she and I were close and it made them feel threatened. Even though that relationship with me was good for her
And it was what she needed to feel whole. Thats far from selfless. No one in this situation was selfless except maybe HER.

Quoting Anonymous 20: You gave her up....you had zero rights to her. She will see how selfless they were one of these days and she will be sorry she was so ungrateful.

Quoting Anonymous 5: I placed a daughter for adoption 19 years ago. It was originally an open adoption but they closed it when she was 10 because her mother was jealous of the relationship she and I had. She found me the day she turned 18 and moved across the country to live with me and refduses to soeak to her adoptive parents any longer. She resents them for closing the adoption and taking me away from her.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 20 on Jan. 3, 2018 at 3:25 PM
2 moms liked this
Maybe they were pissed that the child YOU DIDNT WANT, that they raised, was being ungrateful. so nice you two were able to forge a relationship after the hard part of the upbringing was done. You're a fucking loser👎🏻

Quoting Anonymous 5: They werent selfless. They wanted a baby. They got one. That doesnt make them selfless. And then they got jealous because she and I were close and it made them feel threatened. Even though that relationship with me was good for her
And it was what she needed to feel whole. Thats far from selfless. No one in this situation was selfless except maybe HER.

Quoting Anonymous 20: You gave her up....you had zero rights to her. She will see how selfless they were one of these days and she will be sorry she was so ungrateful.

Quoting Anonymous 5: I placed a daughter for adoption 19 years ago. It was originally an open adoption but they closed it when she was 10 because her mother was jealous of the relationship she and I had. She found me the day she turned 18 and moved across the country to live with me and refduses to soeak to her adoptive parents any longer. She resents them for closing the adoption and taking me away from her.
SitaStJames
by *Sita* on Jan. 3, 2018 at 3:25 PM

Not all birth parents are alike and it's birth parents like those two that make it harder on the other birth parents who respect the adoptive parents' wishes and respect the boundary lines. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 24 on Jan. 3, 2018 at 3:26 PM
Cue those that bash open adoptions all together.

It doesn't work for all but it works great for some and each situation is different and should be treated differently. You need to close the adoption and honestly probably put a restraining order on them.

Quoting Anonymous 1:

When we adopted DS we thought open adoption was the best thing. It would give DS the chance to know his birth parents and them the chance to see him. We talked about yearly visits and pictures/updates. It has not been great at all. 

Well we started having problems when they posted pictures of DS all over social media. We had agreed that it was okay with them to share the pictures with their parents but not put them on social media. The first time they promised it wouldnt happen but it turns out they just blocked us so we couldnt see the pictures. We only found out when one of their family members showed up on the "people you might know" or whatever tab on facebook with DS as their profile picture. I think it was birth moms grandmothers account. 

We stopped sending any pictures. That only made them more angry. The demanded to see DS more. We ended up blocking them on everything. We contacted the adoption agency to see what we should do about the situation. They set up meetings with the birth parents and asked if we would attend one so we can all talk and hopefully get on the same page. Well it didnt go well beause we didnt bring DS and they were expecting him. 

They got mad and refused to talk to us until DS was there. We went to leave because that just wasnt going to happen. They pretty much pitched a fit saying they had the right to see their child and we needed to realize that. 

I told them that he is OUR son and they have 0 rights to him. We have gone out of our way to make this open adoption thing work but clearly it wasnt working. We told them not to contact us in any way again or we would report them for harassment. 

I know it was harsh but it needed to be done. It is clear that they do not have the maturity to handle contact with us and DS. We didnt ask much of them but to just respect our rule of no social media. We didnt have to try to work it out with them at all but we did and all we were met with was disrespect. We are done with them. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 25 on Jan. 3, 2018 at 3:28 PM
I have no issue that she chooses to have a relationship with you as an adult at all, but why are you so fixated on the fact that she doesn’t have one with her parents? It’s really weird and creepy to me. You keep repeating that in several of replies I’ve read. I’m guessing there is more to why they closed the adoption other than your “bond”.

Quoting Anonymous 5: It doesn't matter now. She lives with me and calls me Mom and we have a very close relationship. She wants nothing to with them at all.

Quoting Anonymous 15: Basically you're saying you loaned your daughter to another family so they could have the responsibility of raising her and cover all the costs but you still intended to be mommy.

That is so wrong.

Quoting Anonymous 5: I only placed her on the condition that the adoption remain open and I have a relationship with her. They are the ones that went back on their word.
Quoting Anonymous 15: You should have stepped back until she was an adult. People like you are why so many think open adoption shouldn't happen.
Quoting Anonymous 5: I didnt interfere with anything. She and I clicked and had a very natural bond. Her adoptive mother thought closing thw adoption wouod break that bond but it didnt work. And It has only gotten stronger since she moved here.
Quoting Anonymous 15: You GAVE her away. It was selfish of you to interfere with the bonding between the child and her mother.
Quoting Anonymous 5: It was selfish of her adoptive mother to close the adoption because she was jealous that she and I had a close relstionship. She made her choice though and she lost her adopted daughter because of it.
Quoting Anonymous 15: You had no right to put the child in that position. You gave her away. You were no longer her mother. What you did was so selfish.
Quoting Anonymous 5: It eads a mistake on my part. I admit that. But she hates them for closing the adoption. She resents the He'll out of them because the only reason I agreed to an adoption in the first place was under the condition that it was open and rewmain so and the only reason they chose to close it was because her adoptive mother was jealous that she and I were very close.
Quoting Anonymous 12: But YOU gave HER up. They raised her for you.
Quoting Anonymous 5: I placed a daughter for adoption 19 years ago. It was originally an open adoption but they closed it when she was 10 because her mother was jealous of the relationship she and I had. She found me the day she turned 18 and moved across the country to live with me and refduses to soeak to her adoptive parents any longer. She resents them for closing the adoption and taking me away from her.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 26 on Jan. 3, 2018 at 3:28 PM
Adoptions overall are not a good idea. They’re not that fairy tale ending like everyone thinks they are.

Quoting ilovemykids323:

i dont think open adoptions are a good idea.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 27 on Jan. 3, 2018 at 3:31 PM
But you took yourself away from her

Quoting Anonymous 5: I placed a daughter for adoption 19 years ago. It was originally an open adoption but they closed it when she was 10 because her mother was jealous of the relationship she and I had. She found me the day she turned 18 and moved across the country to live with me and refduses to soeak to her adoptive parents any longer. She resents them for closing the adoption and taking me away from her.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 28 on Jan. 3, 2018 at 3:31 PM
I never thought open adoptions were a good idea. I would never agree to one. What’s so wrong with people finding their birth parents when they got older? I would close it.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 29 on Jan. 3, 2018 at 3:32 PM
1 mom liked this

I am so sorry.  You had the best intentions and tried to make it work.  I agree it is time to close the adoption.

They are wanting the best of both worlds - to be involved with the child yet have no responsibility for him.  You are his mother and you get to decide what is best for him.  End of story.

Hoping you have a much better 2018 :-)

Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jan. 3, 2018 at 3:32 PM
I never didnt want her. I wanted her but i wasnt able to provide for her. I hated giving her up. I didnt want to and i always regretted it. I only did it on the condition that we would be able to know each other amd have a relationship. They agreed to that. And then when that relationship made them jealous, they took it away.

Quoting Anonymous 20: Maybe they were pissed that the child YOU DIDNT WANT, that they raised, was being ungrateful. so nice you two were able to forge a relationship after the hard part of the upbringing was done. You're a fucking loser👎🏻

Quoting Anonymous 5: They werent selfless. They wanted a baby. They got one. That doesnt make them selfless. And then they got jealous because she and I were close and it made them feel threatened. Even though that relationship with me was good for her
And it was what she needed to feel whole. Thats far from selfless. No one in this situation was selfless except maybe HER.

Quoting Anonymous 20: You gave her up....you had zero rights to her. She will see how selfless they were one of these days and she will be sorry she was so ungrateful.

Quoting Anonymous 5: I placed a daughter for adoption 19 years ago. It was originally an open adoption but they closed it when she was 10 because her mother was jealous of the relationship she and I had. She found me the day she turned 18 and moved across the country to live with me and refduses to soeak to her adoptive parents any longer. She resents them for closing the adoption and taking me away from her.
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