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"feeling pressured" ( Aziz Ansari)

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 66 Replies
1 mom liked this

Here is an honest opinion about the topic of being pressured into doing something that makes uncomfortable. I feel like this whole story surrounding the comedian and the #metoo movement is starting to blur the lines of what is acceptable and what is dangerous behavior. So here is my POV.

My issue is with the people saying that the poor lady surrounding this allegation was coerced into performing sexual acts with Ansari. Claiming that she didn't verbally speak up or leave because " she felt pressured" into staying. If this was a child, I can understand and I would be livid. I would be all for going after a sick sex predator that would pressure an unknowing child, who has yet to learn that they have the strength and the ability to say no and walk away when someone makes them uncomfortable. But we are not talking about a child, we are talking about a fully grown, capable woman. A woman who was raised, and thought to have the capacity of a person who could take care of themselves. That's our goals as parents, isn't it? To raise our children and protect them, as children, and then when we feel they are capable of knowing right from wrong and standing up for themselves we let them go. 

I don't feel Ansari is to blame here. The woman who made these claims should have spoke up, as a grown woman. If she felt she couldn't, the real person to blame here is herself. Also, her parents might hold some responsibility for failing to teach her how to deal with something we were all taught since the first day of preschool *peer pressure*. If Ansari had "pressured" her into robbing a bank that night the same way he supposedly pressured her into those sex acts, would she still be the victim? As an adult, no one should be able to pressure you into doing anything be it sex, robbing a bank, jumping off a bridge or whatever. There is always a choice, speak up and be clear. Make your own decisions and don't let anyone make them for you. Any mature adult knows this and practices it well in every day life. As parents this is exactly what we should be teaching our children, making sure they recieve this message.  We need to teach our children to have respect for others ( like no means no), and also, to have respect for ourselves and speak up when we want to say no. 

This can't keep happening. For the record I don't believe he knowingly pressured her, I believe she just didn't speak up. If she wasn't emotionally mature enough to handle herself on a date, she needs to stop dating a while and mature a little bit before she gets out there again. We cant expect every one to read our "cues" because every ones cues are different than others and some people struggle in reading social cues. I have to wonder, all these women blaming this man for ignoring her cues, what about the men who might be on the spectrum? As in high functioning on the spectrum individuals who might struggle with social cues? What if you found out that this Ansari guy is one of those guys who just missed the cues because he might be on the spectrum? Would your opinions of him change? Sexual assault? No! 

I read the article, I read her statement, I'm still not buying. As Ashley Banfield stated, and I stand by 100%, this is a set back for the #metoo movement and a set back for real sexual assault victims. Because people don't know the difference between real sexual assault, and how to speak up instead of expecting the other person to read their mind. I am a sexual assault survivor. I spoke up, I was clear in my feelings and my intentions. That didn't matter and I was sexually assaulted. Physically forced into doing something I did not want to do. My friend is also a survivor, she was drugged and rape despite her spurring the guys advances. That was rape. Regretting that you didn't speak up for yourself and getting mad at the guy for not being able to read your mind is not sexual assault. You might have felt bad after, but its only because you let yourself down and you are looking for someone else to blame because its easier to blame someone else and take it out on them. No one wants to own the blame, but it doesn't cover up the facts, you are to blame if you have sex with someone and then regret it afterwords because you forced yourself to go through with it instead of speaking up. You're to blame if you have sex with someone and then realized you made a mistake. Its not on them, its on you so own it yourself and stop trying to ruin others lives because you felt you ruined your life. 

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 18, 2018 at 12:01 PM
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Replies (1-10):
momto2boys973
by Sapphire Member on Jan. 18, 2018 at 12:04 PM
10 moms liked this

If I were a single guy, I would be terrified to even ask a woman out on a date nowadays.

luckysevenwow
by Emerald Member on Jan. 18, 2018 at 12:06 PM
6 moms liked this
Morning after regret is not #MeToo worthy.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 18, 2018 at 12:11 PM
1 mom liked this

Hell, ask on a date! I'd be afraid of looking at a woman these days. This is insane. I do my best to teach my sons to have respect. My husband has been a vital role in teaching them how to treat women, and I thought we were doing a pretty great job. But I'm afraid for my sons even looking at a woman or expressing any kind of feelings about women in the future. They might be slapped with a sexual assault or harassment claim for saying they like someone.  I'm all for #metoo and protecting women, but dang! This is getting out of hand.

Quoting momto2boys973:

If I were a single guy, I would be terrified to even ask a woman out on a date nowadays.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 18, 2018 at 12:12 PM
3 moms liked this
Well, for one, when it comes to sexual matters, most girls are not taught or socialized to speak up and be assertive, whereas men are taught to be persistent and disregard the word no from childhood. Secondly, when Grace did speak up and tell Aziz that she didn't want to continue with things, he agreed, but then proceeded to continue to shove his fingers down her throat, his hand down her pants and aggressively kiss her.
As women, we are given conflicting messages. We are not supposed to assume all men are rapists or sexual predators, because that is an unfair generalization, but if something happens, it's our fault, because we didn't assume the guy was a rapist or sexual predator.
Damned if we do, damned if we don't.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jan. 18, 2018 at 12:12 PM
3 moms liked this

I think it's bs and he did nothing wrong. The whole thing is just a huge joke. She's just looking for a payoff. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 18, 2018 at 12:12 PM

Agreed!

Quoting luckysevenwow: Morning after regret is not #MeToo worthy.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jan. 18, 2018 at 12:16 PM
1 mom liked this
She did verbally tell him to stop. She also physically removed his hands from her body many times.
Inappropriate sexual behaviour is a whole spectrum. From verbal harassment, to a butt grab without asking, to coercion, to having sex with someone impaired, to physically overpowering someone to rape them. She never accused him of the last one. She never said he "raped" her. It isn't black and white. Men can't always be labeled angels or monsters. Women in these situations can't be judged that way either.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jan. 18, 2018 at 12:26 PM

I agree, we need to teach girls it is okay to say no and that it's okay to be firm about it. When DH and I were dating we had very drunk sex one night, I keep thinking, "Why was I the only one who is raped by standards today?" I couldn't consent... but neither could he! We had just started dating. I don't know, at some point, these lines need to be clarified because men can be raped as well. 

This is a huge issue, not one I want set back because it effects all of us, young kids to grown adults... and little boys can be survivors of abuse. We need better education and I guess that starts with us.  

Edit: I read an article where she said nothing, I'm now seeing where she did speak up and say no... So I guess it depends on what really happened. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Jan. 18, 2018 at 12:28 PM

I stopped feeling sorry for her when she said she expected him to stop because of the cues. 

Lunarprancer
by Betsy on Jan. 18, 2018 at 12:29 PM

clapping

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