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Venting...

Posted by on Jan. 18, 2018 at 4:35 PM
  • 31 Replies

it has been a year and a half, since I started searching for a therapist, and trying to get my transition on track.  I still haven't started testosterone, still have not had any leads on getting my top surgery or phalloplasty.... and still have absolutely no f**king idea how to handle my dysphoria or how to talk to my fiance about it when I have really bad days for it.

I am just exhausted, and frustrated and I want to scream at every cis man I see on the street out of pure jealousy.  Lucky bastards born in a body they can feel comfortable in... I don't talk about it often, I don't know HOW to talk about it. 

It's such a complex feeling.... and so deeply rooted.  I can't think of any way to explain how it feels or something I can compare it to that the average person could understand... I definitely don't know how to help my fiance understand... or say it in a way that makes sense to her.  

Some of the thoughts I have because of this dysphoria are so dark and so horrible I try to suppress them and just pretend nothing is wrong.  I am just at a loss... 

I HAD a good therapist. She graduated college and moved away, so now I am looking for a new one and because of all of the turmoil in my life in the last few months, I just haven't been able to find one... the only other therapist I saw was quite literally just blaming all of my problems on me.  I told her about being bullied as a child and about how my parents and my ex husband treated me like shit.  She actually said "If you keep ending up in these situations you need to look at the common denominator. That's you."

She made it seem as though I had DESERVED being emotionally abused, or that I had deserved all of the abuse and trauma i dealt with growing up.  I complained to the director of the program she works for but from what I can tell nothing was done about it.  I just stopped going to see her.  She was the worst therapist I have ever seen.

Yes I am rambling and I am probably going to KEEP rambling because there is so much crap piled up inside my brain.  I'm not even going to bother to hide, thats how fed up and frustrated I am. 


I got a cat though... I'm sure some of you saw that post.  Having him helps. If I am feeling really upset he can sense it and he will come snuggle up to me and lick my face like a dog its actually pretty funny. Never had a cat before in my life that did that.   My fiance helps me when she can, when I am able to let her in... 

I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the idea of opening up and really telling her what is going on in my head. I haven't even really opened up in this post i've just complained about how hard it is TO open up. 

by on Jan. 18, 2018 at 4:35 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Jan. 18, 2018 at 4:38 PM

Hugs!

Jambo4
by Gold Member on Jan. 18, 2018 at 4:40 PM

Good luck!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 18, 2018 at 4:42 PM

theres no way to really help on this end except say keep moving forward and find a good therapist

FarscapeMama
by Silver Member on Jan. 18, 2018 at 4:45 PM

I know, thats why this process is so goddamn frustrating.  

My son is absolutely precious though.  He was trying to explain to his 2 year old cousin, that her uncle is also his mom.  She's way too young to get it, but it was just so cute watching him try to explain this. x"D


I find my joy in the little moments, and it helps me push forward. I dont think I would be alive today if it weren't for my son to be honest.

Quoting Anonymous 2:

theres no way to really help on this end except say keep moving forward and find a good therapist


nattyleilani
by Silver Member on Jan. 18, 2018 at 4:51 PM

First off, *hugs*. You are loved, and you deserve happiness and security in the people around you.

When I tried to explain being trans to my husband (we are both cis), I told him to imagine himself exactly as he is: male. He feels male, he thinks male, he behaves male. Except: his body is a womans body, and everyone around him keeps telling him that he's a woman and corrects him when he tells them he's a man. And that's been happening his entire life. I think he kind of got it, but he's not the deepest thinker. I don't know if that helps? Or hurts? I got the analogy from a trans friend, so I'm hoping I'm on the right track with it.

Keep searching for a therapist. Perhaps ask around at local chapters of GLAAD or any other LGBTQ+ organizations in your area. They should have some inkling of trans positive therapists or know of someone who knows. 

And keep living your truth! You are amazing.

FarscapeMama
by Silver Member on Jan. 18, 2018 at 5:21 PM

First, let me say thank you for the support, it is greatly appreciated.


About that analogy, I've used it before, It is really the only analogy any of us have, but frankly,

it doesn't help because most people CANT imagine that. They can sort of imagine, but most of the time they really have absolutely no idea. They can't fathom that feeling. The best thing I've managed to compare it to is being claustrophobic or having panic attacks. That helpless and almost lost feeling. 

We don't have a lot of local LGBT resources, there is a therapy center for LGBT community members and that is where my therapist was.  

Quoting nattyleilani:

First off, *hugs*. You are loved, and you deserve happiness and security in the people around you.

When I tried to explain being trans to my husband (we are both cis), I told him to imagine himself exactly as he is: male. He feels male, he thinks male, he behaves male. Except: his body is a womans body, and everyone around him keeps telling him that he's a woman and corrects him when he tells them he's a man. And that's been happening his entire life. I think he kind of got it, but he's not the deepest thinker. I don't know if that helps? Or hurts? I got the analogy from a trans friend, so I'm hoping I'm on the right track with it.

Keep searching for a therapist. Perhaps ask around at local chapters of GLAAD or any other LGBTQ+ organizations in your area. They should have some inkling of trans positive therapists or know of someone who knows. 

And keep living your truth! You are amazing.


nattyleilani
by Silver Member on Jan. 18, 2018 at 5:24 PM

Have you considered an online therapist? I know it's not quite the same as seeing someone in person, but it could open up a whole world of therapists for you.

Quoting FarscapeMama:

First, let me say thank you for the support, it is greatly appreciated.

About that analogy, I've used it before, It is really the only analogy any of us have, but frankly,

it doesn't help because most people CANT imagine that. They can sort of imagine, but most of the time they really have absolutely no idea. They can't fathom that feeling. The best thing I've managed to compare it to is being claustrophobic or having panic attacks. That helpless and almost lost feeling. 

We don't have a lot of local LGBT resources, there is a therapy center for LGBT community members and that is where my therapist was.  

Quoting nattyleilani:

First off, *hugs*. You are loved, and you deserve happiness and security in the people around you.

When I tried to explain being trans to my husband (we are both cis), I told him to imagine himself exactly as he is: male. He feels male, he thinks male, he behaves male. Except: his body is a womans body, and everyone around him keeps telling him that he's a woman and corrects him when he tells them he's a man. And that's been happening his entire life. I think he kind of got it, but he's not the deepest thinker. I don't know if that helps? Or hurts? I got the analogy from a trans friend, so I'm hoping I'm on the right track with it.

Keep searching for a therapist. Perhaps ask around at local chapters of GLAAD or any other LGBTQ+ organizations in your area. They should have some inkling of trans positive therapists or know of someone who knows. 

And keep living your truth! You are amazing.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jan. 18, 2018 at 5:25 PM

Im sorry you hate the body you were born with, that must be hard. I hope you find the help you need to love yourself in whole. Good luck. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jan. 18, 2018 at 5:28 PM
*hugs* I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. It really sucks finding a good therapist you can feel safe opening up to. I have no idea what being trans is like, my wife has been very open about it to me though. (I’m the only person who knows.) She stopped therapy a couple of years ago, and hasn’t started transitioning yet, but seeing me going to therapy and see my shrink has really helped her to see that results are possible. I really hope you find a good therapist soon, your other one sounds just awful. You don’t deserve to be feeling hopeless , nor should you have to pretend to be ok when you’re not feeling that way.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jan. 18, 2018 at 5:30 PM

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