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Mom is upset AGAIN... what is your take on this? Am I that horrible a daughter?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 76 Replies

omg.... she has been here since Tuesday and this has to be the 5th thing she has gotten fussy over.  Damn this woman is on a roll this trip!!!


What is your take on this: She is thinking of moving from the mid-west to FL.  I think it might be nice for her to move to an adult only community with a bunch of retirees because of the social life.  Plus it is DIRT CHEAP where she is looking and so she could travel more.  She asked my brother and I if we would visit.  I was evasive my brother flat out said "probably not".  

backstory - we took our kids to visit her EVERY year when for about 10+ years when they were little and she rarely visited us.  Our kids had nothing to do in her speck of a town, and her home wasnt child friendly, but I felt obligated.  Now my kids are grown and she is divorced, I pay for her flight here EVERY year since the divorce.  She gets to see the grandkids and my brother on my dime. 

Back to today - she got very upset saying a mom wants to have her kids visit her once and a while.  Though I understand it a little, isnt the idea of visiting about the people?  She can come here for the price of one ticket (agian, Im paying) vs. us visiting for 2-3 tickets and time off work. Reality is I will not be flying to the midwest or FL unless it is a medical issue with her.  I feel I met my obligations and am still meeting them by paying her way here and hosting her for a month once a year and two weeks for the 2nd trip of the year.


Im just tired of her fussing.

Thanks for letting me vent.... trying to keep the peace here and not fuss back... but had to let it out.

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 17, 2018 at 3:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Talkingheads
by Emerald Member on Mar. 17, 2018 at 3:55 PM
13 moms liked this
The only thing you are wrong g about is paying for her trip. Stop that
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Mar. 17, 2018 at 3:56 PM
8 moms liked this
“Come visit me” probably actually means “I’m scared to take this big step alone and afraid that I will be lonely”.
Littlebunnyfufu
by Platinum Member on Mar. 17, 2018 at 3:57 PM
3 moms liked this
It sounds to me like she feels overly entitled to be catered too. You are doing more than enough to facilitate a relationship with her and her grandchildren and her and her children. She doesn’t seem willing to put forth any effort into maintaining those relationships she thinks all of the effort should be directed at her, not from her.

Personally I set some boundaries and be firm on them. I’d say, mom, I’m willing to host you at my house and pay for your ticket to come and visit once or twice a year, anything beyond that you’re going to have to find a way to make the effort to see us.

At that point any bitching would make me say “fine I revoke my previous offer since it’s obviously not good enough. When you can decide to be an adult and realize that relationships are give and take, not just take, maybe we can have a loving family relationship”
slw123
by Silver Member on Mar. 17, 2018 at 3:59 PM
2 moms liked this
Compromise. I get your argument when you have kids at home because it costs a fortune to buy 4+ plane tickets. But it’s not as big of a deal to buy 2. Or just go by yourself and enjoy a trip to FL, or wherever she ends up. At some point it will become more and more difficult for her to travel then it will fall on you to go to her. My in-laws are in their 80’s, but we still have kids (teens) at home. For years we let them come to us, now we have to go to them. My FIL can’t drive (safely), my MIL has too many health issues to be on a plane. We know we don’t have many years left with them, so we suck up the expense and go to them.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Mar. 17, 2018 at 4:00 PM
This... But it could also mean she hates traveling. I love my sister but I'm sick of going to Michigan to visit her. come to Ohio!!

But she has 2 dogs vs my one child and basically has an extra room for us when we visit. Actually, the entire basement lol and ds and I like to drive while one of her dogs throws up and drools uncontrollable, and the other is wanting to jump out the window to get away from the throw up. Haha

Quoting Anonymous 2: “Come visit me” probably actually means “I’m scared to take this big step alone and afraid that I will be lonely”.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Mar. 17, 2018 at 4:02 PM
2 moms liked this

I think the issue is she feels like an obligation and it hurts. Nobody wants to voluntarily spend time with her.  I’d explain it like you did here, about the expenses of 1 vs a whole family traveling. Also maybe she wants you guys to experience her life and show you things in her new place. Sounds like she is lonely.

Bonnie_
by Gold Member on Mar. 17, 2018 at 4:06 PM

Tell her what  you just posted here.  If she is moving there because she will have more  money to travel then fine.    But she is the one choosing to move that far away.   You can't move  halfway across the country   and then get mad because people don't  want to be financially   burdened   to come visit you.

VickyJoJo
by Gold Member on Mar. 17, 2018 at 4:09 PM
2 moms liked this

I completely understand the vent.  When my mom was alive and in good health, I paid for her to come visit.  It was cheaper and easier to have her come here for the cost of one ticket versus us going down and paying for 3 tickets plus a rental car (her car was not big enough).  But I was fortunate that my mom not only understood that but wanted to see my daugher here instead so she could see her at dance or riding her horse.

That changed, however, when my mom's health declined.  We had to go see her instead as she could not handle the travel.  I think you need to sit down with her calmly and discuss this.  Don't do it when she is in a snit.  See if you can really get to the root of her issue and maybe that will help solve the problem.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Mar. 17, 2018 at 4:10 PM
I do think you're wrong. Sorry.
PinkButterfly66
by Diamond Member on Mar. 17, 2018 at 4:16 PM
2 moms liked this

Stop paying for her to visit.  Just stop.

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