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what should i tell her, how would you handle this? *update*

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 99 Replies

I came into my step daughters life when she was 2. A few months into my relationship with her dad, her mom left. Moved across the country and didnt come back for visits and didnt want visits with dd. Dh got full legal and physical custody and visitation was up to him incase bm decided to come back. DD is 13 now and bm just moved back to town. She found out where we live and wrote dd a letter telling her she was in town and wanted a chance to be her mom again. Of course dd was confused and hurt but she wanted a relationship with her mom. I encouraged her but also told her i would be here if something bad happened (bm leaving again) At first she just came over and saw her once a week and then it just progressed from there. She now spends 1 night a week there. She has never called her mom she always called her by her first name. DD came home tonight and was upset. She said bm told her she has to call her mom and stop calling me mom. DD told her she wasnt comfortable doing that because i am her mom and bm might be her real mom but she doesnt feel like calling her mom. I guess that upset bm and she told dd that she either calls her mom or she will leave again. How do i handle this? I told dd that dh would talk to her bm about it and see what happens. Thats all i got right now. I'm not trying to take over but ive raised her for 11 years. Ive done everything for this girl and i love her with all my heart. I dont want her to be hurt but i also dont feel she should be forced to call bm mom. Thoughts?


Update: DD just got out of school an hour ago. DH called bm to ask why she thought it was ok to threaten dd and bm told him that shes dds mom and i need to learn my place. that just because i played mommy for 11 years doesnt mean i am mommy. shes here now and i need to start getting called by my name and i need to let her do everything for dd. He asked her if she was going to start paying child support and she laughed and said she couldnt afford that and that we have that handled. DH said we? as in my wife and i and bm actually said yes. dh said well wouldnt part of learning her place  mean that her money doesnt go towards dd? bm said no shes your wife she should help with your kids. DH looked pissed at that statement and said well technically shes our kid and you havent paid a dime for dd so no. Then she says being a parent isnt all about money. Shes right its not. Its about being there. She wasnt. DH told her that dd wouldnt be calling her mom and she would call me whatever she wanted. bm said fine im gone then. DH said ok bye, dds done coming over there anyways. 


dh also talked to dd and she went from upset to pissed because i guess bm has been texting her all day, bad mouthing me. she told dh she doesnt want to go over there anymore. dh said good because you're not. so i guess thats settled for now. i know dd is hurting so dh also called a therapist and dd starts next week. such a big mess over something so petty. 

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 18, 2018 at 11:34 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Mar. 18, 2018 at 11:36 PM
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That is horrible of BM! I would tell DD to call her and you whatever she is comfortable with and,like you said, you will always be there if anything bad happens.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 18, 2018 at 11:38 PM

trying to manipulate her isnt going to get her what she wants. shes 13 i would think it would just piss her off and she will just tell her ok leave i dont care but dd seemed really upset about it. ive always told her that was up to her. 

Quoting Anonymous 2: That is horrible of BM! I would tell DD to call her and you whatever she is comfortable with and,like you said, you will always be there if anything bad happens.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Mar. 18, 2018 at 11:39 PM
1 mom liked this
You tell her that while you can understand why her bm wants her to call her mom it is wrong of her to force the issue. She should be allowed to call her by whatever name she is comfortable with. Tell her you will love her and support her no matter what.
jws120567
by Platinum Member on Mar. 18, 2018 at 11:39 PM
1 mom liked this

Tell her that love isn't achieved through threats, and that she needs to do what she's comfortable with, and not what BM is demanding of her.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Mar. 18, 2018 at 11:40 PM
2 moms liked this
She walked away from that title and it got past to you. Sd is old enough to know and make the choice. I would tell sd that if bio mom would leave so quickly over something so trivial, then she may not be truly invested in wanting to develop a relationship, and to not let her be manipulative. I’m sure sd does want to keep the relationship, but if she gives in now to this, there will be a lot more demands to come.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Mar. 18, 2018 at 11:41 PM
Let dh know what was said and let him handle it.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 18, 2018 at 11:41 PM

i always tell her its up to her what she calls me and her bm. it should always be up to the child not the adult. i told her a lot that i loved her. she was so upset. 

Quoting Anonymous 3: You tell her that while you can understand why her bm wants her to call her mom it is wrong of her to force the issue. She should be allowed to call her by whatever name she is comfortable with. Tell her you will love her and support her no matter what.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 18, 2018 at 11:43 PM
1 mom liked this

that sounds good. when i talk to her tomorrow ill say that. i just dont want her to feel like she has to kiss ass to keep her bm around. 

Quoting jws120567:

Tell her that love isn't achieved through threats, and that she needs to do what she's comfortable with, and not what BM is demanding of her.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Mar. 18, 2018 at 11:43 PM
You have acted as a great stepmom. You should not contact bm about this. Let dh. This is a huge issue in sp families. While it has worked with no contest, now is an issue. You are not mom, you can't tell bm how to feel. You can only continue to be supportive. Will your relationship with sd change if she calls you sm? I would hope not, but will her relationship with bm be hostile if she doesn't? Probably.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 7 on Mar. 18, 2018 at 11:44 PM
1 mom liked this
This. If your daughter is smart, she'll tell BM she better get going, because she's not going to be forced to do that.

Quoting jws120567:

Tell her that love isn't achieved through threats, and that she needs to do what she's comfortable with, and not what BM is demanding of her.

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