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Advice on grieving and family drama **updated 4-17**

Posted by Anonymous
  • 19 Replies
Well this has been the longest, hardest month of my entire life.
On the 3rd of this month my dad,46, was killed in a horrific car accident. His girlfriend of 5 or 6 years was driving and she broke her back and collar bone. She also will go through the rest of her life carrying the guilt of this tragedy even though accidents happen.

My mom who my dad was divorced from for like 20+ years is being really aggravating about the whole thing. Every chance she gets she tells me the girlfriend has no rights to anything and has no say in anything. It’s true she doesn’t have any legal rights really, but I’m not going to exclude her just because they weren’t married...
His girlfriend and I split the cost of the funeral home services and my mom was PISSED about that. Told me I shouldn’t have spent anything on it. Whatever.
She’s also getting a memorial tattoo that says “husband” on it and I just feel like that’s so disrespectful. They’ve been divorced for almost my entire life and I’m 25.
She’s also throwing a temper tantrum about not being allowed to be there to spread his ashes...
my sister told her that it was just going to be her and the girlfriend and me.
“That’s not fair!!”
We are having a celebration of life this weekend and she keeps making really passive aggressive comments about how she’s not allowed to make any decisions on it.
I’m so frustrated with her and nothing anyone says makes her stop acting crazy.

ALSO, the girlfriend told my sister and me that we have another sister that we never were told about. She’s 16. That girls mom tried to get in contact with us several times but my mom shut it down.
Is it right to be angry with my mom for not letting us have the chance to know?
My dad never told us either. His girlfriend said he wasn’t sure for a long time if the kid was even his. But she looks just like him.
My sister and I are going to meet her on Thursday.
I’m so nervous it’s crazy. We told them today about my dads death and they were shocked ..everyone was/is.
I half expected her to already know because it was on the news and everything but they didn’t.

Update 4-17:
my dads girlfriend has been kind of out there today.
She’s angry that my aunt and uncle and their families want to be able to come to the ash spreading. I told her they have a right to be there.
I also told her that we were thinking about inviting our new sister and she said no she’s not ok with that.
Again I think she deserves to be allowed to come...
she knew about my dad, and my sister and me this whole time. She’s sad about this whole situation and I think it would be good for her to be there and have some sort of closure.

We are going to dinner on Thursday , me my sister and my new sister . I don’t even know what to expect. I’m so nervous and excited and anxious lol.
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 16, 2018 at 8:40 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 17, 2018 at 2:52 AM
That's sad. Congrats on your new sister. Hope she brings you joy.
by Anonymous 3 on Apr. 17, 2018 at 3:32 AM
Sorry .
My mother wasn't as dramatic but ...
after my dad died of mal practice she went and got the family portraits they had taken over the years they were married out of the storage closet in her hous . She hung them in the halls , bedrooms and studies .They had been divorced 21 years He had married the woman he cheated with , they divorced ..... she cheated such a shock and then married again to a very nice woman . They had been married 10 years and going strong .
For a few years after my dad died she told people she was a widow ????? Then she dropped it . I think old friends met new friends at Christmas parties so the divorce / widow thing got a little weird .
by Ruby Member on Apr. 17, 2018 at 7:11 AM
Your mom sounds like a narcissist. She has no rights to the funeral planning since she is not his wife and neither does GF. You and your sisters have all the rights as you are next of kin. If you want to include GF or Mom you can but it is up to you. I think you are being gracious to the GF and good for you. Your mother needs to have several seats. Its not about her. If she wanted it about her, she should have stayed married to him.

I would not hold the sister thing against your mother because that was partly on your Dad too since he was the one out knocking up random women after the divorce. So that is way way way more on him than your mother. And if he really wanted to tell you, he could have. So really I hold that one 100% on your Dad actually.
by Fix Me on Apr. 17, 2018 at 7:18 AM
Good Lord! That's awful and tragic!

I hate family drama
by Platinum Member on Apr. 17, 2018 at 7:23 AM
Sorry for your loss. Don't buy into mom's drama. Good luck with your sister. Remember she didn't ask for this.
by Navy Mom on Apr. 17, 2018 at 7:28 AM

You have every right to be angry with your mother.  Your mom seems to forget that she and your dad divorced YEARS ago, and she doesn't have the right to assume the grieving widow role.  

by Silver Member on Apr. 17, 2018 at 7:29 AM

Hello - so sorry for your loss.  You have a lot to deal with in addition to your Dad's passing.  It is understandable that your would feel overwhelmed.

Please know that there is no right or wrong in most of this. Everyone grieves in different ways, and sometimes a death can bring out emotions you didn't even realize you had.  This may be the case with your Mom. It may seem like a long time ago to you, but for her it may have been the most signifigant relationship of her life. And it created her children - so that kept it alive to her all this time. 

That said, she did not stop you from knowing your half-sister.  That is on your Dad.  It was his decision to make the contact, tell you or not, and include her in his life. You Mom may not have shared that info but it was not for her to decide. Let that go, meet her if you want, but allow yourself time to process this and don't make any financial or emotional decisions around it.

If your Dad did not have a Will there may be a lot of pressure to use the situation to "honor" people or act for him. You don't have to rush or make any decisions right away. Let things unfold and allow yourself time to grieve before you take any actions.  With a sudden death like this you aren't able to think everything through for the first few months.

by Anonymous 4 on Apr. 17, 2018 at 7:29 AM

I'm sorry about your Dad.  Deaths in families can bring out the worst in family members.  Continue to downplay your Mom's drama - she's being totally nutty about the whole situation.  I'm also sorry that your Dad never shared with you that you possibly have another sibling - that has to be truly shocking to find out.  You've had a lot of traumatic stuff happen in a short time period - I hope things calm down for you soon.

by Anonymous 5 on Apr. 17, 2018 at 7:38 AM
Ok I get your moms feelings are complicated but seriously I'd just distance myself from her for awhile. She says gf has no rights well neither does she so she can stick her nose elsewhere. Also if gf has no rights then she has no responsibility and that makes her generous to help pay for the memorial.

Congrats on the sister I however do feel your dad should have told you before but you have a chance now. Are you going to do a DNA test?
by Platinum Member on Apr. 17, 2018 at 7:38 AM
I’m sorry for your loss and how your mom is acting. I understand.
My awesome Grandma died in December and greed, arrogance took some family over.
Now our family has been pulled apart and relationships ruined beyond repair,Feelings changed forever. It has been the worst.

I hope your Mom slows her roll before she causes too much damage .
Big hugs to you.
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