Forgive me for using this forum as a journal, but its good to get it out and talk about it.
I went to the home of my friends mom and she had her granddaughter, my friends almost 5 year old. She is Sarah with brown eyes, very cool, but ripped my heart right out at the same time. My daughter looks like me with brown eyes and seeing the two play together was really great. Andi LOVED McKenzie and wanted to show her everything she touched lol.
I got to tell my friends mom how sorry I am that I wasn't there for her daughter the last couple of years. How I wish I could've filled her days. I told her I had no idea Sarah was this sick, I left off at rheumatoid arthritis, which she was initially misdiagnosed with. I think she thought I knew. She told me nobody knew Sarah was really going to die. She said in December the dr's said it wasn't looking promising. Two weeks before she died the dr's warned them of her final days. But Sarah never believed it, refused to give up, she was going to go home and be with her daughter. Its all she ever talked about.
I brought her mom some copies of pictures and a CD I burned of some of Sarah's favorite songs which I could tell she really cherishes. Music was very therapeutic for Sarah. How ironic that the songs that hummed her through her tough times are comforting to me, and hopefully her mom, right now. I told her that the first song, the Fray's Look After You was what Sarah used to sing to Andi as a baby. Something nobody else knew because she was so shy about her singing voice. I know a lot about Sarah not many knew and I really hope I get the chance to be a part of their lives for that reason.
I brought Andra the book and read it to her. She was too excited about Kenzie so she didn't sit still but Sarah's mom did and she loved it! Afterward I told her how I found the book and she said she thinks that was Sarah's doing. Hearing her say those words brought me a sense of peace because I have felt Sarah around me a lot lately and thought she would think I was insane for saying so lol. But I swear I have heard her say things to me.
I didn't get to say nearly as much as I wanted to, they had dinner plans, so I'd like to get together again. She mentioned getting the girls together at a park and I *really* want that to happen. I got a chance to tell her mom what Sarah thought about her oldest brother when nobody was around. They didn't always get along and seeing him at the memorial was painful. He was full of regret and sadness. I hope she passes my message along but more importantly I'd like to get with her to discuss the ways Sarah always admired her mom. And how I think Sarah might be 'feeling' right now, based on previous discussions I have had with her. Among other things about Sarahs material possessions, things she loved and what she would have wanted kept for her daughter or her neices/nephews, present and future.
So that's how it went. Painfully well.