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10 Things 90s Kids Will Have to Explain to Their Children

Posted by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 10:39 AM
  • 11 Replies

I stole this from another group, I thought it was funny lol

10 Things 90s Kids Will Have To Explain To Their Children

Nov. 23, 2011
While most things we experienced as tots in that headiest of eras seems pretty self-explanatory (plaid was everywhere, Leonardo DiCaprio was the molten ball of light around which the solar system turned, and there was no color too bright for your sweatpants) there are some things that will be a bit harder to explain. Here, a primer for when your future children want to know what the hell you were doing with your boxy, multicolored electronics.

1. Topanga was at some point in human history considered not only a legitimate first name for a human being, but the kind of name that would inspire in malleable teenage boys a life-long infatuation. Topanga, in our day, was leading lady name-material. Topanga (pronounced Tah-payne-ga, for those who will have only ever seen in it written down) is the name of the quintessential girl-next-door who will live, along with Feeney, in our hearts forever.

2. At some point, we carried around little plastic eggs with tiny screens on them — in these screens lived our hearts, our pets, our raison d’etre, our very own Tamagotchi. We loved them, we listened to their tiny electronic screams of malnourishment, and we occasionally forgot to pick up their poop for long enough that they died a tortured, poop-filled death. They were perhaps our first foray into the life-consuming world of electronics and self-absorption, later to be fully manifested by Facebook.

3. The black Power Ranger was black and the yellow Power Ranger was Asian because…we were so completely ahead of our time and beyond the capacity to even think in terms of something as inconsequential as race that… uh… I don’t know. Casting directors were racist in the nineties.

4. Long before he was spending his days foisting his mediocre children on us, Will Smith was actually the perfect human specimen. He also undoubtedly holds some world record for saving the world the most times while simultaneously delivering flawless catchphrases and giving cool guy nods to the camera. The Men In Black rap song, at the time, was created and received by the public without the slightest trace of irony. Really. He was that good.

5. In some inevitable shift of the time-space continuum in which James Cameron continues to rob humanity of all that is good and sacred in this world, Fern Gully will be known as that movie that ripped off Avatar. It will be up to us to crusade for what is right. It is up to us to explain that Fern Gully was not only a predecessor to Avatar, but far better, in that it contained both Tim Curry as a singing pile of molasses and Robin Williams rapping about animal testing in the pharmaceutical industry. (As a side note, if you have not recently listened to the full lyrics of the “Batty Rap,” I recommend you do, as they are horrifying.)

6. A neighborhood boy who completely disregards your family and puts a ladder directly under the teenage girl’s window to climb up at his discretion is not only acceptable, it’s charming. It’s the kind of stuff that would make said family take the ladder boy under their wing and into their heart. The nineties were a simpler time, one where we didn’t have to worry about things like breaking and entering. Clarissa today would have steel bars on the inside of her window and her father would continually remind her that the next-door boy with his ladder and his touchy hands have no place in his household.

7. Though on the surface, they are the exact same thing in every conceivable way, whether you liked The Backstreet Boys or N*SYNC said more about your character than all of the terrible macaroni art you could ever make for your child psychologist. Essentially, liking *NSYNC meant you liked Justin Timberlake, as he was clearly the Seabiscuit in that race from the get-go. You even liked him with his terrible, icy-blond mini-fro. Liking the Backstreet Boys gave you a bit more of a cultured palate, as there was no clear Diana in those Supremes. Nick was kind of the wholesome, if northern-Florida-redneck safe choice (save for his humiliating younger brother, Aaron). Brian was the shy, sensitive type. AJ was the hottt, dangerous meth addict. Kevin Richardson was mute with sexy, sculpted facial hair. No one liked Howie. Choosing between the two groups was like choosing between two beloved children, but once that line was crossed–there was no going back.

8. “I wanna really really really wanna zig a zig ahh,” has a meaning, and all true nineties kids know it, but we must never share it. Like the Illuminati, it must remain between us, the keyholders. With great power comes great responsibility.

9. Lisa Frank is not the name of a woman, it is the name of a movement, a culture, a way of living. It is a theory, a concept, a belief in something greater than yourself. It is the belief that all girls are entitled to dolphins covered with rainbows, jewel-encrusted frogs, and unicorns in acid-trip colors hugging each other. It is the ideology that no notebook is complete until it literally hurts your eyes to look at from so much color saturation. It is the hope that no school supply, no matter how insignificant, will be left un-bedazzled. It is the knowledge that your eraser cap, and that of your granddaughter’s, and her granddaughter’s after her, will not be some boring little nub–it will be a diamond covered with butterflies in a rainbow of colors. It is the dream of a better tomorrow.

10. Incredibly depressing women in Indiana covered in cats and glass figurines they buy at The Hallmark Store used to troll the web 1.0 to invest thousands of dollars in tiny stuffed animals filled with plastic beans. That happened. Beanie Babies were not just significant, they were the first example most of us had of envy, greed, and wrath. If someone messed up that little heart-shaped Ty tag, so help you God, that was the end of whatever contact you had with that monster of a human being. That tag-less Beanie Baby was now trash, and you had to deal with the consequence. It was at that moment, that de-valued Beanie Baby moment, that most of us accepted the truth… we’ll never have nice things. TC mark

Read more at http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/10-things-90s-kids-will-have-to-explain-to-their-children/#3uCJrSTmQWIHfzdp.99

by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 10:39 AM
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Replies (1-10):
janessa27
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 11:22 AM

 Lol- I am a 79 kid but loved N'Sync and still love Justin Timberlake! I also had a digi pet- in highschool....with my pager!:)

momofsixangels
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 11:52 AM
1 mom liked this

 I am an 80's kid but love this!

KenzieQsMommy
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 12:19 PM
Lol! I was born in 86 so I totally grew up in the 90s. The author is right, nobody liked Howie LOL


Quoting janessa27:

 Lol- I am a 79 kid but loved N'Sync and still love Justin Timberlake! I also had a digi pet- in highschool....with my pager!:)


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SisterPeach
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 2:32 PM
1 mom liked this

Okay, this cracked me up!

KenzieQsMommy
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 2:41 PM
I was a little sad none of my fb friends, clearly 90s kids, have taken notice since I posted this.
I really am tempted to look up Robin Williams' Batty Rap. Oh the memories. Lol.


Quoting SisterPeach:

Okay, this cracked me up!


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kerryket
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 8:30 PM

Ha, can relate as I was raising my 90's kid.

Mrs.wilcox01
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 8:39 PM
I was born in 88.I miss being a kid .sigh
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LindaClement
by on Sep. 25, 2012 at 12:28 AM

I saw this somewhere else recently... I love #10!!

gmadiane
by on Sep. 25, 2012 at 12:25 PM

my daughter loved backstreet boys and n sync, lol

taniamorse85
by on Sep. 25, 2012 at 11:54 PM

Holy ****!  I just googled the Batty Rap lyrics, and horrifying is putting it mildly!  Now, I can't believe that was in a kid's movie.  Here they are, for anyone who wants to read them.

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